Synchrodestiny

Girgle...Girgle..Girgle.....it was the 10th of April 2004...the four of us lay on the floor of our roof top home sleeping....he wanted to make love to me...while I nursed our youngest daughter Sanjukta and our elder daughter pretended to sleep fidgeting all the while...."Mama, look something is coming out of daddy's mouth" I turned to see what she was pointing at..it was my husband Shivaji....eyes rolling back and face turning blue....I did not know what to do ..but thought fast so that Sanjana my elder girl could go get some help...." Take your sister with you , I said .....Once they had gone I could feel this unexplained feeling of numbness flow over me ..I watched his eyes staring at me glazed over ..tears rolling down ..as if to say, "I am sorry" ...His hand still clenching to the the silky ribbon of my jammy bottom.....

The fatal day had arrived..I second guessed myself after all those days of him monkeying around..jumping up saying" I was just playing a prank on you guys"...there was no jumping up going on today..a part of me knew and I just sat there looking at him..wondering if I was still asleep and this was all a bad dream....

"Joyti, Joyti.what happened" my sister Jamila called out when... I just got up and ran out the room and on to the street ..looking for Shivaji's friend's ,friends who had a vehicle so that we could take him to the hospital....It was just unbelievable that that very morning there was no one around ......I ran back home to see that my brother in law and sister had already brought him down two flight of steps and now Shivaji's in a sitting position..I heard a gurgle again..and said ,"I think he is waking up" yes..sounds silly now..he was long gone..with his head in my lap..I played with his curly hair and spoke to him through my mind saying..please just wake up and start laughing..please...Nothing happened...He was confirmed dead on arrival at the hospital..Cerebral hemorrhage and a heart attack.....

All of you must be thinking what my picture above has to do with this..well my Life began after the tragic death of my first husband Shibu who was only 34 and I 33, our girls then 9 and 4...and the Arabian sea had a lot to do with it....

As the day drifted by and I began to live my reality of becoming a widow..I hear my elder girl saying to me," Mama , when is daddy coming back?"I gulped and took a moment to answer ..being very gentle and strong at the same time,I said," darling daddy is never coming back, he died love..but he is with us forever...I saw those beautiful brown eyes stare at me ...not understanding what it really meant...Hardest thing ever for me to do as a mother,but better now than never ..instead of giving false hope...

Eleven days after I realized I was pregnant...and did not believe it ..so I took six pregnancy tests to confirm that I was....I guess my tragedy was not yet over..I felt a sharp pain in my lower abdomen and went rushing to the loo....I heard something clonk and splash..looking down I saw a whole lot of blood and again I knew ...My baby was gone..even then consoling myself that this was not happening..My sister in-law followed me into the bathroom and burst into tears..saying" Joyti I am taking you to the gynecologist..it must be stress...believe me you ,I had not shed a tear since the day he passed away...

At the clinic I was hooked up to this machine while the lady doc gently smothered some jelly like stuff on my abdomen..I turned my face away from the screen,still hoping for a glimmer of hope...I hear a soft cry and noticed the look on the docs face..."You have had an instant abortion" I am so sorry...she said..

I was cold and had no feeling at all...as I was wondering what was about to come next...Laying in my bed at night with my precious daughters beside me...I kept telling myself .....something was going to change but I could not wrap my head around it....

I had to be in bed for a while before I could regain my strength and get on with life..as I had to smile and live for my girls..A promise not to cry ..made to Shivaji in our intimate moments of conversations....

To be continued.....

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