Surviving Foster Care

I am not in the business of fooling myself. For years I have always been the “misfit friend” of the bunch. That is if I was even in a bunch. Friends did not come easy for me. Heck, family did not come easy for me. So, the people that I chose to be around were just that, chosen. I don’t think that any of them realized how much stock I put into that relationship with them. But I knew and that is all that mattered.

However, what this did, was place a label on me. I quickly became the friend of the group that everyone came to tell their news, whether it was good, bad, or ugly. However, I was also quickly dubbed the one to give the bad news, literally to anyone. If someone wanted to break up; I broke up the relationship. If someone wanted a roommate to move out; I literally told the roommate, they needed to leave. So, on, and so forth…

Because of this I really learned how to deliver the news; well, I learned how to deliver bad news well. You would never really think this would be an art, but it really is. No one wants to go around breaking people’s hearts or feelings; certainly not me! But I was always the one that got nominated. And sadly, I was always the one that accepted the nomination too!

Growing up in the foster care system you really train yourself to do as much as possible on your own. Asking for help is not something that you generally do. Unless you truly need help badly! So, I learned early on that one of the best things to do when you are giving anyone bad news is to just look them straight in the eyes. I have heard people say that the best communicators look in your eyes, I have always thought that to be very creepy. Probably because I always associate eye contact with bad news. I know it sounds cliché but it’s the truth.

When you spend most of your juvenile years in the foster care system, you tend to learn a lot of tricks to survive. The system taught me to always stay neutral and not to pick one side over another. That is not going to benefit anyone involved in the situation at all. This is true when bad news is involved. You are already staking a claim with the person you are talking to, and you may very well flip their entire world upside down. If that is the case, you need to be neutral and calm, all wrapped up in one nice little package.

Lastly, this is one thing that I really took into my adulthood. You always must be honest and use only facts. Do not sway from the facts or try to fill in the blanks at all. If there were blanks, leave them blank! Let someone else fill in the blanks with the correct information. I never wanted to sit down with one of my foster brothers or foster sisters and deliver their news, only to find out I was giving them the wrong information.

The main reason I tied this in with my foster care stay was that it is crucial to know that when someone is in the “system” they will give and receive bad news. It is inevitable. We all got bad news. But there is a right and a wrong way to deliver that news so it does not feel crippling throughout your entire soul. What many people don’t realize is that foster children are already missing an integral part of their life. Delivering bad news just adds to the pain. However, if it is delivered correctly, it doesn’t have to hurt so bad.

It is not only about what you say, it has a lot to do with who you are saying it to.

Until next time.

#KristinaWrites

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