Surviving a Non-Survivor

First thing's first: let me just get it out there. I HATE CANCER! Now that I've said that, let's talk about those people who have to continue to survive after the fighters just couldn't fight anymore.

Knowing the Fight Is Taking Its Toll

After watching my mother fight harder than I've ever seen her fight, I knew that this horrible disease was was giving her a run for her money. She pushed on every day, putting on a brave face and a fiercer wig for those she needed to do it for. However, behind closed doors, I could see that it was taking it's toll on her. Although we still laughed and watched movies–well, I watched, she slept—she was getting weaker. The woman that was just running half marathons and taking boxing lessons was dwindling away. Oh now don't get me wrong...she was still fighting, but the odds just weren't in her favor anymore. This thing called cancer is a viscous beast. One year you're doing great, then BOOM, it comes back with a vengeance. Once it matastised into her bones and her brain, deep down I knew the bell was about to be rung.

The Stuff No One Tells the Fighters' Survivors

People always say that losing a loved one is hard. But what they don't tell you is how to survive without that loved one. My mother was all I knew. Meaning she was my all. She was the one that could call me out on my BS in her way but still make me laugh in the process. No one tells you how or where to get that from again. No one tells you how to get out of bed and continue living for her. No one tells you how to deal with the fact she won't see her first grandchild. No one tells you how to deal with the fact she won't get to see you walk down the aisle on your special day. Why don't people tell you? The answer to this question, in my eyes, is people really don't know. They can tell you it will be OK and she would want you to be happy and live your life, but they don't tell you how to go about doing those things. There are so many things that I still need my mom for in my life. Can someone tell a me the survivor of a fighter how to...

Realizing I Am Her and She Is Me

So after trying to figure out how to answer all the questions I still have without my mom, I realize I am my mom. She has indeed left this world, but she has never left ME! I find myself remembering each and every thing she has ever taught me or said to me. And I use it in raising my children. Yes, there will always be times that I cry out, "I WISH YOU WERE HERE," but then I get a sense of calm and hear my answer from within. I hear her telling me how to make a dish. I hear her telling me how to discipline my children with vocabulary that they have to look up in a dictionary. I hear her laugh when they do something I did as a child, and now I'm getting it back. I hear those words of encouragement I need when I'm at my lowest. I have now even looked in the mirror and said, "Hi mommy," because I am her! I have now come to the brilliant conclusion that I'm not surviving a non-survivor, I'm fighting with a fighter who happened to not survive this fight, but truly won her battle!