Strength Through the Times

This is a letter to Heaven, hoping to reach you in thought, just like I do every day. this is something that should have been written a long time ago. I should have taken the time to ensure nobody forgot where we all came from and who was here before us.

Today like every day I want to say how thankful I am for all that was given to me; I want you to know that I miss you, that after all these years I still need you. In my heart I carry you every day and even though I don’t talk about you as much as I would like; you are part of my daily thoughts. For I would not be here if it were not for your loving heart, patience, dedication and your passion to show us that life’s setbacks were not something you spent time on.

Mrs. Dolores Or Mrs. Lolita as everyone called you (Mommy to Me). I knew you to be my mommy, the one who was there day and night, who calmed my tears and celebrated my successes, who reduced a fever or calmed a cough. You made me who I am, I hope I am making you proud. I wish I had a chance to give you all that you deserved in return for your sleepless nights.

Your life started early and though it was not how you may have pictured it, you made the best of it, 6 children, 15 grand kids, 28 great grand kids and about 75-80 great-great grandkids are your legacy. I wonder if they all have the same admiration for you that I do.

What makes you special is all that you did to make life comfortable for all your children. The hard work in a world where being a woman had high demands and severe limitations. You were a strong loving wife, raised your children, mourned the loss of young children, worked the land, cared for the home, cared for your elderly parents. survived the wars, depressions, and death of loved ones and kept your heart open to all who needed a kind word. Born in 1907, married in 1923 at only 16 years old to a husband 10 years older, and from there expected to be a grown up and the core of a family. You did it all and more without a question, you were the strongest woman I ever met and great grandpa knew how amazing you were. Your education was home based, all you knew and taught came from personal experience, and you adapted as the times changed, you taught us religion and faith, hard work, respect, dedication, love, passion and self-reliance.

I know that not everyone saw what I saw, felt what I felt because you and I had a special bond. I came into your life late, yet you took the job without a complain like always, at 63 years old it was time for you to enjoy life and all that you had accomplished with no more responsibility. Except to retire and enjoy life with your husband. It was time to have others care for you. But life had other ideas and you accepted fate as you always did, with pride and with an open heart. You took me in no questions asked, it was always the way you did things from the heart.

In 1970 you took in this newborn who was to be there for just one afternoon, but destiny had other plans. The baby was there the mother was not, and you took to the challenge while others told you to do things different. In your care the baby grew and years later when the parent came back you had made a life for the child, that the mother did not want to change.

You raised me and many people who were there have told me, you basically brought me back to life. I only knew you as my mom, mommy, mother and that is how I introduced you to everyone and still do to this day. From you I learned all about life, I still remember the phrases that you taught me, I tell my children about the amazing woman who gave up her life for me, the great grandmother who took to making sure that I had food, clothes, a place to sleep. You stayed with me and made sure that everyone new “Caya” was your child, we went everywhere together, some say that I became your emotional support after great grandpa passed away in 1973. It was the two of us from there on. You worked several jobs as a cleaning lady to make sure we had an income and the places you worked got to know me and provided a place for me to stay while you worked, before we knew it, I turned 5 and you moved us to a new home, with your youngest son, my god father, soon after an earthquake tested your strength, another economy set back, but you saw it as a blessing because all your family had survived the deadly quake. You went to work to help others recover, still in mourning for your husband. We carried on: as you taught me that one is never too young to learn about helping others. I was loved and cared for by everyone who loved you. You and my grandfather were my mom and pop.

By now I was learning that I had a biological mother and a father, stubborn me wanted nothing to do with her, I was happy where I was. Thank you for all you gave me, for the patience in my stubbornness. As life went on tragedy struck again, your oldest son (my Pop) took his own life, and you went back to mourning, I learned that death is inevitable. And that as ugly as it may be you must move on. I feel I failed you in that I never really moved on, I held on to the events of papas’ death, the events of your death.

In life we must make the best of what we have, change what we can and work hard for what we want. You taught me that and to be proud of who I am. At times I have forgotten that…

Late night feedings, warm bottles in the middle of the night, days at work with baby in tow, to make sure that baby needs would be available. Even though economy was tight you made room for me, as I grew up I came to see all you had to do for me to grow up safe, secure and nurtured, but just when I was ready to learn to give back, to be a provider for you, life would change again. I remember you saying that one day when I was old enough you would leave because it would be your time, that it would not happen until I could care for and defend myself. Selfish thought: I was not ready I would never be ready. I wanted you there forever if possible.

Just a month before my 15th birthday you left this earth and went on to become an angel and join those who left before you… I never got to say goodbye, thank you, I’m sorry, or even I love you. Of all the things I remember, our outings, out trip to a new land new people, and our return home, I don’t remember if I ever said I love you.

I love you, Thank you for all you gave up for me, I only hope that I have honored you to at least one percent of the woman you were.

I LOVE YOU!