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Stop Saying "Single Mom"

Quit Playing Victim

By LittleFish BigPondPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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I hate the term “single mother,” even though I guess I am one. I think saying “single mother” denotes weakness, a victim. That’s not me. I am a single woman with children, a divorced woman with children. I am a strong woman, like I’ve always been. My marital status doesn’t change that. I realize what I’m saying may be controversial to many, but quit playing the victim, even if you are one, become a victor.

What typically comes to mind when someone is described as a single mother? A poor, weak, dejected waif, dumped, wronged, forever alone, struggling, pathetic female that can’t handle her life or children and absolutely everyone needs to help her. That is NOT the image I want to project to my children. I’m not trying to act like a hardass or protect them from a cruel world. I am attempting to show them that life is not always fair, life can be very difficult, but Mom is strong, capable and will handle the situation. Children need, more than anything, a sense of security. I also feel that if you constantly use the term single mother to describe yourself and make excuses for your lack of strength, you are basically telling them that they are a burden, that taking care of them is just oh-so-hard for a weak woman. My kids are not a burden, they are a blessing, whether I am married to their dad or not. That’s just a relationship status and should have nothing to do with my relationship with my kids.

I recently worked with a woman who constantly used the “single mother” card to make excuses for her shortcomings on the job. Late for work? “Well, you know that I’m a single mother.” Work not done? “Well, you know that I’m a single mother.” Calling off repeatedly? Yep, again, “single mother.” Since she was a “single mother,” nothing was ever her fault, the whole world had been put upon her. I’m not sure what this woman did at work before she got divorced, but situations come up, married or not, that you need a firm back-up plan to make sure that you can get to work. Unless your husband was a stay-at-home dad when you were married, you had to have a backup plan for problems that came up before with childcare. What happened to that plan? Having children is a personal choice, your fellow employees and employers shouldn’t have to pay for your choices on a daily basis. Absolutely everyone has a personal life that is just as important to them; pets, friends, families, second jobs. But if you call off one-too-many times because your dog is sick, well, it’s not going to be accepted. And it shouldn’t be a constant excuse because you are a single parent. After all, if there is a serious medical problem with your child, get a family medical leave. It’s the law, you can get one if the situation warrants it. If not, get your life together.

I’m not saying that being a single mother isn’t difficult, it is. Motherhood in general is a challenge, for everyone. Parenthood is one of the hardest thing men and women can do. But you have to rise to the occasion and not use your children as pawn because you don’t want to be an adult. Show that you have accountability for any shortcomings you have, and everyone has them, your kids will appreciate it, it’s honest. It’s real. There’s probably no more important thing to show your children than self-accountability. I do happen to know, for a fact, that the aforementioned woman who constantly cried “single mom,” didn’t have it hard. She maintained the gorgeous, expensive home, got an excessive amount of child support, a nice vehicle, a cleaning lady and the father always showed up to take the children for his visitation time. For any mother, married or not, to have a nice home, secure finances and every other weekend completely to themselves is a DREAM life.

So, I really don’t like the term single mom, or what I believe it projects to the world and most importantly, to the kids. Whether you have it easier in your situation or not, whether it was your choice or not, be reflective and be careful about the image that you send to the world and more importantly, to your children. It is supposed to be all about the children, remember them? Project that you are a blessed mom, a happy mom, a strong mom.

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