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Sometimes I Wonder If I'm Cursed

Gone Through So Much in Such Little Time

By Jayden KamakeeinaPublished 5 years ago 5 min read
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When you think of a family you see a mother and a father with their children. Be it they have one or six. They spend time together, laugh with each other. Make memories, and have great moments. They would go spend time with grandparents, or aunts and uncles, or cousins. Thats what I picture as a family. I had to picture in my head what a family is.

I know some don't have the perfect family, some don't have a family by blood, and some aren't even given the chance to have a family. I have a mother and a father, and four siblings, but we're not a family. Or maybe I'm not part of the family. My siblings and I grew up knowing aunts and uncles had favorites, none of them were us. We grew up not knowing our grandfathers from either side. I was only 10 when we lost our grandmother, who was nice and loved us. She treated us so good; she treated all her grandchildren good. She was fair, and in her eyes we were all equal. Her death is what brought my mother and her 11 siblings together. My older sister had our cousin to turn to, my brothers had cousins to turn to, and my little sister didn't know what was going on, but I had lost the person I turned to. I didn't even say goodbye. After she died a lot changed in me. I felt broken, and I felt like I couldn't smile. No one noticed. Years passed and that pain went on, and still no one noticed. Then my siblings and I woke up to our mother on a call. Our other grandmother passed away in her sleep. She didn't like us much, because my dad stopped giving my uncle attention when we were born. It still hurt though. Losing someone in your "family." I once again didn't get to say goodbye.

Freshmen year something happened to my ankle and every time I put pressure on it, it would hurt. I couldn't walk for a long time, I couldn't participate in P.E. and went to a doctor and a specialist. They said it was a torn ligament, and then gave me a steroid shot in the joint of my ankle. That only made it worse. I would express how much pain i was in and my parents would tell me that it was nothing, and that I wasn't in pain.

I developed anxiety. I couldn't be around groups of people, I couldn't be in the spotlight, I couldn't talk to other people. When I told my mother and father, they both told me to get over it. They said its all in your head, and pushed me to do the things I couldn't. I would have panic attacks from being yelled at, or when others were being yelled at. I feared talking about my opinion because every time I would I'd get yelled at. So when I was getting yelled at, I learned to keep my mouth shut. It would go faster if i didn't say what I wanted to say. In the end it was always me who got in trouble.

Junior year was my worst year. I think for most of my high school career I was mildly depressed from how I was treated. But my junior year was the worst. I was told by my parents that I was a failure, that I wasn't going to amount to anything. I was kicked out of school for missing 10 days in a row. I didn't find out I could have been re-enrolled back into school until months later. My father had left, because my mother forced him out. My siblings and I were trying our hardest, but for me that was harder.

My senior year I was doing my very best. Pushing myself to my very limits. I wanted to make my mother and father proud.

When my sister graduated everyone was proud of her. My aunts and uncles from both sides came. They gave her lei and cards telling her congratulations and expressing how proud of her they were.

I didn't want a party, because I didn't want that amount of attention. I only wanted three people there other than my parents and siblings. Then my last couple of days my english teacher failed me, because I didn't turn an assignment in, but I did. The day it was due, it didn't send correctly, and I didn't know that until the day after. When I asked my teacher if i could resend it, he said no, because it was past the due date. That one assignment that wasn't my fault was going to be the reason I didn't graduate. When I told my parents they didn't say anything about it being his fault; all they said was, "I knew it." They had no faith in me.

The next day I found out there was a class I could take. It would last from the last day of school until the day before graduation. If you could finish that class you would graduate. I finished the first day. I finished within four hours. They still weren't proud.

No, they had such little faith in me that my mother told my aunt, uncle, and cousin to go on their vacation. The only three I wanted there that could make it, she told them not to come. My parents and siblings were the only ones in the audience that watched me walk across that stage. The only lei I had on were handmade by myself. I got no cards saying they were proud, and no "family" members texted congratulations. I was just nothing to them.

Last year was my extremely worst year. The beginning of the year my mother took my three younger sibling and left. She left my father, my older sister and I to go to her family. Then they finally came back, because my siblings wanted to. Not because she wanted to. But the end of the year, my godmother, she baptized me, she passed away. I didn't get to say goodbye.

I was broken mentally, and emotionally. I felt like I would never be okay again. I couldn't smile or laugh because I felt like I didn't deserve to. I cried so much I ran out of tears. For days I wanted to wake up. I wanted it to be a nightmare. I wanted to see her and hear her voice, her laughter. But she was gone and I couldn't change that. They never noticed how broken I was, am. They never notice.

I'm 19 years old, and sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm cursed.

grief
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About the Creator

Jayden Kamakeeina

Female Mage: Rank 19

Love arts of all kinds. Writing, Drawing, Photography, Anime, Manga, and Books.

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