Solution Seeking With Kids

Problem solving

Problem solving is at the core of gentle parenting. I adapted this technique from Ross Greene, author of the Explosive Child and Raising Human Beings. His website is a great resource for more information, but I wanted to write a quick overview of how we can collaborate with our kids to solve problems rather than imposing our will — which brings up counterwill.

Mainstream parenting is based on the idea, the adult makes the decisions and children comply. And this model is replicated in so many areas of our lives. When people start with gentle parenting, they want to know they can set limits and use consequences.

I don’t find boundaries to be the best use of my time and energy. For one, boundaries don’t build relationships and that is the goal of parenting. A good relationship helps in many ways. Second is if your child resists your boundary, enforcing it becomes a sticky situation and can turn ungentle when parents don’t know how to proceed. Hands up if you’ve ever yelled because your child pushed against your limits and you didn’t know how to make them comply. Me, me.

Enter problem solving, collaboration so everyone has their concerns addressed and everyone feels good about the solution.

Before I get into problem solving, I have some important caveats:

1. Don’t solve a bunch of problems at once. Sort them out and prioritize.
2. This may take more than one or two discussions
3. Your first solution may not work

This works better outside of the moment but you can use it in an emergency as a temporary fix, but a later conversation with a longer term solution will be needed.

Kids do well when they can. If they are struggling with anything we can collaborate to help them do better.

Step One What’s up?

— empathy and their concerns.

Do not skip through this

“I noticed playing with your brother ends in you fighting. What’s up?”

“I noticed getting your homework done after school is hard. What’s up?”

“I noticed you have trouble leaving the computer at dinner. What’s up?”

Ask questions to deepen understanding, repeat/rephrase your child’s concerns back to them. I’ll have an example at the end.

Once you have a deep understanding of their concerns, you can state yours.

“So spelling is hard for you and you don't like having words spelled wrong in your writing, so you don’t want to do your homework. My concern is it will never get easier if we don’t do the work.”

Step Two Let’s work together to solve this

— Invitation to Solution

“If we sit and think about this, we can find a solution together.”

“How do you think we can solve this?”

1. Do not come to the conversation with a plan you want to enforce.
2. Ask your child for solutions first and take them seriously
3. Ask if they are ready to hear your ideas. If they aren’t ready, emotions are too tense, take a break, use more empathy.
4. The first solution may not work, even if you chose it collaboratively.
5. If you run into issues with the solution, problem solve those now.

We’ll use screen time as an example. If you have a situation, you want me to give you a script for comment below and I will help you with the words to solve the problem.

Parent: I noticed you’re having trouble turning off your game and coming to supper when I ask. What’s up?

Child: It’s not fair.

Parent: It’s not fair. Can you tell me more? What’s not fair?

Child: You always ask me when I’m in the middle of playing.

Parent: What do you mean, the middle of playing? Like the middle of a level?

Child: Yeah, like I can’t quit or I’ll lose everything I did.

Parent: So when I ask you to quit playing, you are sometimes in the middle of a level and you’ll lose your progress if you quit right then?

Child: Yeah, exactly.

Parent: I see. That is tough. I don’t like to be interrupted and lose my progress on things either. My concern is when supper is ready your sister is starving and I can’t wait five or ten minutes to give her food. How can we solve the problem?

Child: I’ll just eat supper later, when I’m done playing. I’m not usually hungry when you call me, anyway.

Parent: Hmm, it’s important to me we all eat supper together so I can hear about your day. What if I give you a warning five or ten minutes before supper is ready so you can finish your level and quit before supper is ready?

Child: I guess. We can try it.

Parent: Okay, I’ll tell you when supper is almost ready so you can finish up your level before you come eat. Deal?

Child: Deal.

Okay, that is a bit of a perfect conversation, but you get the idea of how it might go. As stated it may take more than one conversation if tensions are high, then take a break, agree to come back to it. Your child may resist at first if they are used to you enforcing rules on them without taking their input. This is a new process, it will not be perfect the first or tenth time, maybe on the hundredth. Give everyone lots of empathy.

Further resources:

Ross Greene’s books: Raising Human Beings & The Explosive Child

Ross Greene’s website: https://www.livesinthebalance.org/walking-tour-parents

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