Silent

Processing .....

I am trying to still process the devastating news I received yesterday. What I thought was going to be a normal exciting routine doctor visit to hear my son’s heartbeat, turned into devastating news that there no longer was a heartbeat to be detected, and he stopped growing at 11 weeks. I am supposed to be 14 weeks, and approaching the time to schedule the big, exciting ultrasound. Now I am scheduled to partake in a D and C, for my body has yet to recognize that the baby is no longer alive. How am I supposed to handle this? I have 4 other children, the youngest being almost 11 months old, who desperately need my love and attention. However, I cannot stop thinking about what is happening inside my body right now. It has been 24 hours since I found out this news, and I must carry on until Monday (3 more days) when I will go to the hospital and have them take care of him. COVID-19 is causing a stressor for I can not have any support in there, just as I could not have support when I found out this news. My husband will drop me off at the doors and I will then walk the halls alone. Walk the halls of the hospital carrying my son inside me yet I will be leaving without him. How am I supposed to handle this? I know he is only 11 weeks, and I know he is small, but he had a heartbeat, he was there. Now he is gone, and I will never get to know who he could have been. This is hard to wrap my mind around, and focus on the positives, and the fact that everything happens for a reason. Why, why did he stop growing? Why is my body not letting go? I have had 3 healthy babies, what happened? Did I do something? I will never have the answers, and I must live with that. This is not easy for me, and I am trying to process as much as I can. I am trying to think of the future and what will be, but it is hard as I am still carrying him inside me, but he is not there. So many questions…I know I will be okay, I know we will be okay, I just do not know how to handle this one.

This was my thought process all with in a 24-hour time frame. The days continued to go on so slowly, as I anticipated the arrival of Monday. The day when he will be taken from me, and I won’t even know when it happens. More thoughts race through my head as I am trying to understand and answer my own questions. A Silent Miscarriage is the technical term for this situation. Silent, what a word right. It is Saturday, and it has been 48 hours since I found out the news. At times I get frustrated because I see my family moving on acting like nothing has happened. All in a great mood and having a good time. As I am screaming inside, because all I can think about is this baby trapped inside of me; no longer living. I realize that it is different for them for they did not see the ultrasound or feel the feeling. It does not make it any easier. Then it begins; my mind has accepted what is happening and is telling my body to begin to let go. I panic even more for I fear going to the restroom. I do not know what to expect each time, and I do not have any clue what I will do if I go and he comes out. Then what? New set of stressors over coming my body. I am surprised I am not in shock or just zoned out. I continue moving on because I am a mom, and a wife…they need me too. I take 10-minute breaks to go to my room and cry, but then pull myself together and face the world. The cramping is intense, and tears silently fall down my cheek as I am watching tv trying to focus on something other than the pain.

Sunday rolls around, 24 hrs to go. What do I do now? How do I prep for tomorrow? I cook and clean to distract myself, but then the pain comes back stronger than ever. I knew then it was going to happen. I prepped myself mentally, and had a plan incase he came out. Would I go through with the plan though? I could go into detail, but the thought of it may make you nauseous. It is hard enough to process everything else. I am not as sad though today. I realize what has happened and have accepted it. I just fear that my husband is more upset than he is letting on. I hope he is not mad at me. The answer to that is of course NO, he was not mad at me. He is my best friend, and amazing husband, he of course is worried about me. Yes, he is sad, but he knows I am hurting physically and mentally. Will we try again for another one? Geeze, tough call right now. I do not know If I could go through this again. I do want one more baby though. This is something I will only allow the stars to answer. I have not cried yet today, which is good. I did join a support group, and I think that is helping me a lot. It is a good way to see what other women are going through, and their thought process. I know I will be okay, and we will move forward. I prepare everything in the home for tomorrow. A dear friend brought over a ton of food, so nobody had to cook for a few days. Which is always nice…. I never planned on trying to come up with dinner EVERY NIGHT. Sometimes that is just frustrating on its own.

Monday, January 25th 2021…. the day. Wake up and help the children with virtual learning. Good ol covid19 sure knows how to make life difficult. Prep myself and the home for me going to the hospital. Dreading the walk and procedure all alone. My husband can not be with me, again THANK YOU COVID19. I get to the hospital and I am honestly calm and at peace. Something was comforting me in a way that I was at total peace and accepted everything that was about to happen. No tears, just peace and love in my heart. The team of medical staff was amazing. I got a couple of those sad eye looks; I HATE THAT. None the less I was fortunate to have a great team. I won’t go into details, but the procedure was quick, and I was able to come home. This is an experience that I will never ever forget. Obviously, I won’t because I lost a son. He may have only been 11 weeks inside me, but he is still my son for life. There is a lesson I have learned from this; I cannot put it into words just yet. I will one day, until then I will embrace each day to the best of my ability, and make sure at some point I am doing something to make a change somewhere. As I write this, I am not writing for sympathy or therapy. I am writing to share a story, a story that is silent. A story that is not heard of, and one that I know women can relate to, and feel a since of relief when they see that someone else has gone through it too. Stay strong, stay humble, and always be kind.