She Made Me Who I Am

Red, orange, and yellow, all fell blissfully from the giant oak tree that rests in front of grandmother's house on her green grassed lawn full of dandelions. Grandmother sat respectfully in her rocking chair on the front porch watching as mother nature transformed into the season of fall. Fall was her favorite season. Smiling, resting, and occasionally crocheting. Grandmother was extremely talented at crocheting. She made blankets, little baby booties, pot holders.. you name it. If you desired something or thought of something that she could make, she could, and would. She also loved baking and cooking. Can you guess who cooked for thanksgiving? And Christmas? What about who spoiled all the grandkids? Yep, you guessed correct my friend. It was always grandmother. Not only did grandmother have so many grandkids, but she also had 9 kids total of the family. It's a big family.

My grandmother was someone to me of importance. We'd go shopping, and I'd help. I came over to help her in any time of need. I even did all the cleaning for her. And I know, you are all probably wondering why I am saying the words, "was" and "had". Well, I am about to tell that story. I'm sure we all know the dreadful year of 2020. Right? At the beginning of 2020, when Covid was a brand-new thing and things ran amok, my grandmother became sick. Do you see? It may not be Covid. But something rather horrible that may as well have been. My grandmother was sick. She hadn't eaten for days at a time. Couldn't have if she tried. She was bedridden, by her sicknesses doing. She wouldn't awake for days and would hardly get out of bed. It was always so dark in her room, the windows closed tightly closing out all the light. She was in and out of the hospital. On a day in February, I went to see her in the hospital. But it wasn't her. She was barely awake, all doped out on hospital drugs. I think she forgot who I was at that moment. I tried to hold her hand, be there for her. But it was hard. I knew then, that it wasn't her, when she told me, "Get out! Get out of here! I don't ever want to see you again!" You may not think that this is true, but trust and believe me that it is. I knew that something like this would have happened, so I braced myself. I had to step out of the room. I cried. 5 minutes passes and I took a deep breath and got myself together and went back in. I stayed with her all day. Did she know I was there? Maybe. But even if she didn't, I cared less. I just wanted to be there for her.

As my grandmother was in and out of the hospital, I continued to make my presence every day. However, every day got a little bit harder as Covid shone through the door more and more into the world. I couldn't see her in the hospital as I wanted. It was hard. Though, I still stuck around.

One day, when my grandmother was home for a day before returning to the hospital the very next day, things started to slope down a little. My grandmother invited me and my younger sister over. And we happily hurried over. When we got to her house, she had tubs of ice cream set out on the table. All sorts of topping and cones. I chose the coffee ice cream of course, who wouldn't? My grandmother was sitting at the table alongside all of that. She made us huge cones. In the middle of this, when I and my sister were happily licking the drips of our ice cream, my grandmother had told us something. She said, " I wanted you guys here, and I wanted to do this because this may be the last time we will ever get to". And trust and believe that that very sentence broke my heart. I didn't think much of it though.

The next day, my grandfather and grandmother stopped by my house. They were on the way to the hospital because my grandmother wasn't doing so well. So we said our initial "Goodbye" and "See you soon, I hope you feel better". I hugged my grandmother through the car window telling her that I loved her and that I would see her soon. Later that night, we got a call. My grandmother wasn't doing so well and we were told that she couldn't live off of the support machines they had her on at the hospital. She was very sick at that point, and I knew. My family had to take a day to have a family meeting and talk about what was best for her and what was best for the family. Soon enough, everyone decided to let her go so she wasn't suffering. We didn't know what else to do. My grandmother was let off of her machines at 10:00 am on May 29th, 2020. And she passed away around 12:00 pm on May 29th, 2020. I didn't get to say goodbye to her, which hurt a lot. It still impacts me very hard to this day. My boyfriend's grandmother is going to pass away soon as well, and it will be very destructive to me, in a way, if I don't get to say goodbye to her either. Minutes before my grandmother passed away, I was sitting at the phone, waiting for my mom to call. And when she did, I kept that straight face, that strong face. Hoping that I could be strong for the family. But after that phone call, a giant tear rolled down my face and the waterworks flowed. It was very hard. My nana is gone. How does this story make me who I am today? Well, my grandmother helped me face challenges. She built me up. She was there for all the good times and bad times. As my mom was too, they are spitting images of one another. And now, I do everything to make sure my grandma and my mom know that I am strong. I know that she is looking down on me, knowing that I can do this. I am almost an adult now, and I know that she is proud of me. I will never forget those last words of "I love you". Now that's authenticity, just me showing my true self. And this is my story.

Rest In Peace. Debra Anne Clawson 1959-2020~