Families logo

Shattered Beneath It All

Surviving Brokenness and Navigating Through Trauma

By Kaci J.Published 4 years ago 3 min read
Like

My brother passed away August 2019 and it wasn't until then that I realized I was broken. While that hurts me to acknowledge it's something I've had to come to terms with and accept. This was the reality that lied beneath.

Losing a sibling is like losing a part of your identity. It seemed that my identity had been scrapped and taken away all at once. What was beneath that was a very hurt, unhealed, and unsure person full of raw tender emotion. Someone who had bottled everything away and thought things were much, much better than they were. Well, as reality would have it, I would come to the harsh realization that I wasn't who I thought I was.

That is just one layer of many realities that I would peel back only to see fresh blood pooling right beneath a wound that I thought completely healed. I was so, so wrong. Coming to this conclusion almost hurt more than all of my pain collectively. As I began to think back to the years prior, everything that led to the moment I learned of his death, it all began to add up. It was such a scary reality check. Almost as scary as that moment at 3 a.m. I had learned he would no longer walk this Earth.

It's funny because grief itself comes in layers too. You think it's hit you hard the moment you receive the news: Sweaty palms, dizziness, complete shock, shutdown of all your thoughts, disbelief, and countless other awful physical and mental responses. It's the worst thing you've ever experienced... until the funeral. At least for me, that was the toughest part of it all. That and well... afterwards. The official start of moving on without him.

This all is new trauma but my brother's passing away isn't the only bad news that has come to find me. As I stated before, I realized I have not healed. I have been walking around with open wounds that appeared to be scabbed over, trauma on top of trauma. It's exhausting thinking about what I've come to terms with. Coming to terms with mourning my brother, who I was, and lastly... who I wasn't. All of this pain spilling over giving me no choice but to simply deal with it.

So, how exactly do you deal with grief while also trying to tackle personal problems? It's no easy feat. This is the first time in my life where I've had to really learn and apply the saying "take it all one day at a time." It makes it no easier but it certainly helps to slow things down just a little bit. I've also been a lot more honest with myself and more open too. Understanding that it's okay to feel. Feel my way through the grief and to feel my way through what I'm actually, well, feeling. It's all relative.

I am a completely different person now. I will never be the same person I was before my brother passed. Another pill I've had to swallow and learn to move past. Each day I work towards rebuilding anew while dissecting and understanding why I am where I am. This helps me to take a deeper look at the root cause while developing a habit of finding a solution to make each day better. Because the truth is each day can be better. No matter how much darkness surrounds you little stars of light always seem to shine their way through. That alone makes life worth living, makes life worth never giving up.

grief
Like

About the Creator

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.