Shadows In The Hall

Chapter 5

Shadows: with great love comes great pain: Part 2 Becoming a House Parent

Because of this great job, I was able to truly feel like a mom. I was spending precious time with my own children I didn’t have so available when I was working as Nurse. I didn’t have to leave any of them and be gone all day or sometimes all night, be called in on my day off because we were short staffed, stay over 16 hours for the same reason, work on holidays or choose which holiday I wanted off and hope I was able to get it, I didn’t have to wear a uniform or have special equipment like my stethoscope, drive my car every day, just to go to the store or appointments and I was getting to cook all the time, I loved that a lot! It was worth it to me to take a lesser paying job with all these precious benefits.

One of the things I enjoyed as well was having my best friend, Barbara come to visit our house one weekend, it was great! She was such a pleasant person, so much fun to be around. I loved her dearly. We met through my older sister, Joan. The two of them attended Cosmetology School together and became quite good friends however, when Barb and I met, we became best friends. We laughed, played games, like Canasta. She visited my home and I visited hers all the time. She and her husband had 2 children of her own.

While she was visiting, she always helped with chores. It was Gary’s turn to do the dishes. Barbara was washing while he was rinsing and drying. During the process, Gary picked up a plate, handing it back to Barb, pointing to the missed food, “You got to wash them really good or Mom will make me do this job again tomorrow! She says if you can’t do it right, maybe you need more practice…. I don’t want the practice Auntie Barb!” When she shared this conversation with me privately, she beamed proudly at the progress I was making here.

Another episode, Dale my husband, found hilarious, was when I would leave the house to go to the store or run some errands, the boys would wrestle in the front room or rough house. Rather than scolding them or worrying about it, he would simply watch for my car to return and announce loudly, “Mom’s home!” and watch them scatter like mice, running from the cat!

On the weekends, I tried to give everyone some recreation time, we either went swimming, fishing, fixed a picnic lunch, barbequed…something, everyone had a great time and as usual, I always had some of the boys from the other homes. With all these extra visits from them, I began to wonder if I was a lot or more fun OR the only one really giving them recreation activities?

From the history I was getting and had gotten when I first arrived, I began to think that it was the later. I remembered what Andy had said to me when he was telling I “would be run over as a woman” He said, “The only way they will ever respect you is if they fear you.”

When he said it, I thought it was a cruel thing to say or do to gain respect. I certainly didn’t feel the boys feared me, I felt they didn’t want to disappoint me, and I liked that idea a lot! Little did I know how wrong I was! I was to learn the truth very soon.

On one of our usual recreational trips we had taken the boys swimming. We didn’t have any public pools to take them to, we were way out in the country on this very large plot of land with the multiple houses. Our recreational spots were all natural, there was a river on the property were the boys fished and swam.

I appointed our selves a spot to be able to see the boys during their swimming activities, however not all the boys swam at the same time, some wanted to fish. In order to supervise them better, either Dale or I, had to travel between the two areas checking on them to be sure they weren’t getting into any trouble OR many times we split up to watch both groups. Since Dale liked to fish, he joined the fishermen and I watched the swimmers.

They were laughing loudly, splashing each other, playing tag in the water and bits of “Marco…Polo” could be heard. They would take turns jumping into the water, wrapping their arms around their knees, squealing with delight as they landed in the pool as I had instructed. I allowed the activities to go on for quite some time when I noticed it was time to go home. I hollered at them, “Come on! Let’s go! Pack it up! Grab your towels please!”

A single voice came floating across the waters, “Mom, one more dive please!!

Please!” “Tommy!” I reminded, “It’s time to go! Let’s go!!

“One more! Please? I promise… just one!” Tom bantered in his sweetest voice.

Oh, for Pete’s sake! I thought to myself. They were having so much fun… the other boys piped in for support, “Yeah Mom!! Just one more! Please??”

“OK, just ONE! That’s it! We need to go!” A decision I have regretted the rest of my life. I stood up, from gathering supplies, just in time to see Tom dive off the cliff headfirst not feet first as I instructed. I screamed “NO!!!”

He hit the water…we waited…. nothing. “Guys look for him, something must have happened” I cried out, tears rolling down my cheeks. I started screaming for Dale to gather up the fishermen and keep them all together, activities were over!! I hurriedly explained to him what had happened as I started up the steep trail to get to the swimming hole. I glanced to the side just in time to see a Rattle Snake in the shade, thankful he didn’t notice I was there.

When I reached the pool, they had found Tom, they were holding his head up in the water, screaming at me, “Mom! Something’s wrong with Tommy, he can’t swim, he can’t even hold his head up!”

“Oh no! Oh no! Please!” I bargained, “He’s paralyzed! He has a broken neck and its my fault!” I fought the tears back, I wanted to scream and cry my eyes out but that wouldn’t help me or anyone else at this point, so I toughened up and put on my bravest front. We didn’t have cell phones in those days, so we had to find the nearest phone, I sent Dale on that expedition, staying with Tom and the other boys while we waited for an Ambulance.

When the First Responders arrived, as I explained the story to them, they looked quizzingly at me, asking, “Why is he still in the water?”

I told them I didn’t want to cause more damage by lifting him out of the water, at least there he had no pressure on his joints to cause further injury. He was floating after all. The boys stayed in the water with him, holding him up with no complaints! They made me proud, I believed I had seen a bunch of boys truly becoming men that day.

Between my guys and the EMT’s we got him safely out, onto a Backboard and strapped in then loaded into the Ambulance on the way to the Hospital. I gave them all the contact information for the Boys Home so they could put it on his records. I didn’t follow him that day… I had another job to do... I had to report this catastrophe to Henry. My heart was heavy in my chest…

In my many years of Nursing one of the things I am most proud of… is always telling the truth in any situation…good or bad. If I found a mistake, like the wrong medication being given, the wrong dose or whatever AND if I also found that mistake was mine? I didn’t hide it…. ignore it…... or try to blame someone else… I wrote myself up. I filled out the Incident Report against me! I also told not only the Administration or Director of Nurses; I told the offended party! I didn’t have to do that but to be truly honest I felt it was necessary. In my 46 years of Nursing, I have never spent one day in Court!

We piled the rest of the boys in the station wagon, returning them to the Grounds. I sent Dale home with our boys and the children, while I headed to the front office to find Henry. He was just leaving when I arrived. I quickly gave him all the details of the incident, unable to hold back my tears.

Patting me on the shoulder, “Linda, it doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong. They’re Juvenile Delinquents, after all! They don’t follow the rules, they just do their own thing when it suits them, no matter how hard we try.” He continued, “Ill stay and call the necessary people including his Probation Officer and his Grand-Mother, that’s my job.”

His words did not soothe me. My heart was broken, I had failed him. I was the one who let him take that last dive! He didn’t just do it… he could have… but he didn’t! Granted, he didn’t do the dive feet first like I instructed... but…. I LET HIM DIVE ONE MORE TIME!! My body felt like it weighted a thousand pounds as I trudged home.

The minute I entered the house, I headed straight for our room where the tears continued to flow, I couldn’t stop crying! My husband came in, trying to console me but to no avail. Through tears I asked him to fix the kids some sand witches. He told me he didn’t think anyone had an appetite since the accident. I reassured that our small children might be hungry and told him to tell the boys to fix themselves something when they felt like it. As for me? I wasn’t sure I would ever feel anything again.

The next morning, Dale volunteered to drive me to see Tom, he knew I was in no shape to drive myself… anywhere. Reluctantly, I showered, dressed, and left for the hospital. We let Henry know where we were headed and asked if someone could watch the boys, we were taking our small children with us.

I was so depressed; I didn’t want Tommy to see me like this, I didn’t want to see me like this… trying to be strong, I sucked it up and headed into the Hospital to find out about Tommy. Maneuvering through the maze of signs and directions I found the Neurology Unit, Tom’s new home. I went to the Nurse’s Desk explaining who I was, I was told to set down, they would call me, his room was busy right this minute.

I looked around the room, there were others waiting as well. I felt like I was in the Clinic for an office visit rather that a Hospital area. The only seat I found vacant was next to a much older woman. When I asked permission to sit, she welcomed me warmly, inviting me to sit down.

I folded my hands in front of me and starred at them, waiting to be called by the Nurse. The older woman looked at me, she could tell I was troubled and ask me what was wrong, did I want someone to talk to? I looked at her, her smile was sweet, and she seemed genuine. Keeping my head lowered, I shook it and continued starring.

A few seconds later a Nurse came over, I thought she was going to speak to me, but she spoke to the woman instead. Mrs. M.? Your grandson will ready soon and we’ll let you visit, OK?”

“How is Tommy doing?’ his grandmother questioned. “How is he taking this?”

My heart leaped…. was this Tommy’s grandmother…I was sitting next to…really?

“If it makes you feel better?” retorted the Nurse, “For someone who just broke his neck you would never know it! He’s laughing and making jokes! What a character!” She continued laughing

I starred at his grandmother in disbelief, when she turned to look at me, I asked, “Tell me about your grandson please. He sounds interesting” trying hard not to pry.

She smiled at me, knowingly. “Its OK Linda, it’s not your fault…. “My eyes widened. She continued, “Yes, I know who you are. Tommy talked about you all the time, he told me how happy he was living in the group home with you as his houseparent. He sent me pictures of you. I want to thank you for all the hard work you did trying to turn this boy around. The truth of the matter…? If Tommy had been able to come home soon like the PO offered? It wouldn’t have been long before he was in trouble again. I’m sure of it. I’ve seen it happen time and time again.”

At that point, I hoped that somehow maturity would have played a role in this boy’s life somewhere, sometime…but she didn’t think so??

“You see Linda, I made a wish a long time ago that something would happen to set Tommy down, I had no idea what it might be or how it might happen but I just kept hoping he would finally change. Stop.” Continuing, “Little did I know this is how my wish might be granted. You see? He can’t fight anymore and cause trouble like he used to. This was my answer. He is finally settling down!”

Tears rolling down my cheeks, I put my hand in hers, thanking her for her kind words and for not blaming me…. Afterall, I blamed my self enough for the both of us. It didn’t help my pain, but it did make me feel better to know his family didn’t hate me.

We entered Tommy’s room together. There he was, big as life, lying in bed on a Striker Frame, talking to some of the boys from the other homes, laughing loudly. They left when we came in, nodding at us on the way out. His grandmother looked bewilderingly at this strange contraption. I explained to her that it turned the patient from laying on their back to laying on their stomach, keeping them strapped in while turning them. It was a good way to move them and not damage the neck.

Talking to him, nothing seemed changed, except for the facts he couldn’t move his arms or legs. The one thing that still worked well was this boy’s mouth! The more things change…. The more they stay the same….

After we visited for a while I headed home with my family. I loved the boys. I wanted to do everything I could to improve their lives but looking around the car, there were 4 more people in my life that needed me more and I needed them. I had gotten the summer to spend full time with my children and it had been so wonderful but there were things I needed desperately to consider …… now.