Setting Boundaries While in Mourning

After my mom died, I needed to reset in a big way. I couldn't continue living my life as I was, and I couldn't continue with the same old relationships I had with certain people in my life. It was a hard transition from going from one parent to none. And I wasn't sure how to navigate through it.

One thing I had to start implementing in my life at this time was setting boundaries. Setting boundaries can be challenging, especially with people who are close to you. It's even harder when they are resistant to it. Recently I had to set boundaries with my immediate family and some friends. First, I had to check in with myself and make sure I was ok. I wasn't. I've always been a sensitive person. I use to cry a lot as a child if anyone made fun of me or hurt my feelings. As an adult, I coped by learning to laugh it off. I wanted to keep everyone else around me happy regardless of how I felt. But when my world fell apart, I could no longer do that. I soon realized that I was the only person in control of how I felt at the end of the day.

I can only make myself happy, and I can only allow myself to be angry or sad. I had that power, and no one else had the right to make me feel a certain way without my permission. Setting boundaries takes work when you first try to establish those boundaries. So, I asked a lot of questions from close friends and my therapist in the beginning. Since I couldn't check in with my therapist because she was away, I asked a friend. I checked in with myself to make sure I wasn't overly-sensitive about a particular situation. From the info I got, I assessed if my boundaries were indeed infringed upon or not. Cause again, I no longer allow that. Tell yourself that and stick to it! Even when the voice in your head pops up and says no, you can't do that. You have to people please, and discussing boundaries makes people uncomfortable. Not your problem. Or the voice will say you will seem weird or crazy if you bring boundaries up. I promise you that voice will pop up, and I had to tell that voice to take a hike.

Furthermore, I've recently discovered that people who have boundary-set issues have deep insecurities that they haven't come to terms with. Yep, I said it. I repeat, when people meet your boundaries with anger or opposition, it is usually cause something is going on with them, and it has nothing to do with you. I'm in the business of making sure Lina is ok. Protecting others and not myself is not part of that business. After my mother died, I came to terms with that. Being brought to my lowest point sent me into fight or flight. And I'm a fighter.

Here's my Boundary Example:

The day it all came to blows with my family was my mom's birthday following her death. We had all been on a zoom call and getting along royally up to then. Which is pretty rare, but it was happening. We were addressing things that happened before, and then it snowballed to tears, yelling, and way too much happening. They all try to invalidate my feelings by saying I was crazy and being too sensitive. They felt they could treat me in such a way because I was ok with that behavior in the past. But I was no longer that person. One, because I couldn't be if I wanted to grow. Two, I was no longer ok with letting people make me feel like shit.

Unfortunately, when others aren't doing the same work, they can't see their blind spots and continually blame you for everything. I knew I couldn't return to my family until I was whole, and they were too. After that, my twin sister, who was not on the zoom call when things went nuclear, came to visit me. Before she came, I had a heart to heart with her. I set some boundaries. I told her our relationship where we argue and disrespect each other will no longer be permissible. She said she understood and was proud of my growth. When she came, it was a different story. She tested my boundary and had to leave after one day. The lack of respect in our relationship no longer worked for me on both ends, which was the breaking point. I needed to grieve, grow, and I couldn't afford to let anyone set me back. We haven't spoken since and won't unless it's in a completely different manner.

But much like life, one door closes, another one opens. I discovered that I had two long lost sisters. (another story on another day) Them coming into my life was right on time. Maybe I needed this time from my immediate family to get to know these new members. Who knows, but everything happens for a reason. I did know that I had to start taking care of myself and stop letting others dictate my healing.