SEEKING THE PERFECT MOTHER

There are mothers, and then there are bonus mothers. This is the story of how I subconsciously went about deciding who I wanted to become by cherry-picking the most remarkable attributes of the amazing women who “mothered” me and tossing out any seemingly undesirable traits. You might say I am a combination of personalities, gifts and skills – all due to influential mothers who cared enough to shape and love me.

PATRICIA

Years ago on a cold night in mid-December, a strong, petite and beautiful woman named Patricia gave birth to a feisty, loud and stubborn baby. ME. I was nearly breach and the birth was tough and painful, with tearing and twisting required to save us both. Within days it was discovered that I had colic, adding to the stress of bringing me into the world. Eventually we worked it out, and she let me live.

Pat was an only child raised by an indifferent mother who ran a dog breeding business and had no time for her other than to criticize everything she did. At one point this heartless woman, my grandmother, told Pat that she wished she would have aborted her. Did that hurt her? I can only assume so. I know it made her singularly independent, as she was determined to carve her own path. She married young, raised three kids, and created a home life that was often tons of fun, and other times completely tense. Maybe the underlying sense of rejection from her mom caused the stress, but we certainly felt it when Mom became overwhelmed. Maybe it was that her artistic creativity was bubbling under the surface, with no outlet. Who knew that she could draw, design and paint so beautifully? It would take years to discover just how amazingly talented she was.

Memories. Mom helping us decorate Christmas cookies, her sewing beautiful Barbie doll clothes for my sisters’ doll, playing board games with us on long winter nights when my father was on swing shift. She loved watching high school basketball games and The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, and her laugh was infectious. And I loved watching her put on her makeup - flawless beauty every time.

When we were old enough to take care of ourselves, and money was tight, she went into the workforce. First there was a job in a factory wiring computer boards; then she moved into retail, managing a busy order desk for a large department store in Minneapolis. We learned to take responsibility at a young age, although I personally found ways around some of her chore assignments. I soon realized that short cuts are not always best. Her way of doing things produced good results, and when her rules were ignored, there were consequences. I may not have liked it, but I learned to respect her. Good thing she pushed me, as I eventually became a pretty good housekeeper and cook!

I loved my mother, but there remained some sort of strain between us. Dad said it was because we were too much alike, which I resented. It wasn’t until Mom passed away that I accepted that truth. Thanks to Pat, I am independent, organized, efficient, and free to discover what I like and what I don’t. I am happy to say that most of her good stuff is inside me, and the bad stuff only leaks out when things are stressful. Nature or nurture? It doesn’t matter. Mom was remarkable.

VIRGINIA

A lovely shy woman name Viriginia was blessed with a handsome husband and a brood of seven children close in age, living on a farm in Minnesota and loving her life. Things changed radically when she was suddenly widowed, with her youngest baby only a few months old. As she tells it, that’s the moment she truly became VIRGINIA. No longer just a daughter, sister, wife, and mother, she had to become someone else. Someone who could break out and take care of everything, whether she knew what to do, or not. Amazingly, she moved her family to California where she had great friends to lean on and started fresh.

Eventually working as executive assistant for major real estate developers, she remarried, had a lovely home off the coast, and threw amazing parties with a wide variety of friends and associates on a regular basis. Hostess extraordinaire, she would fill the room with grace and warmth, making sure each guest felt special. Virginia made it all look effortless.

I met her on a vacation one summer after graduation. My best friend was her cousin, and we had the good fortune to be swept up into Virg’s lifestyle in California. The timing may have been off, as she was newly separated from husband #2, but she never let on that anything was amiss. Head held high, she soldiered on, working and continuing to support her family and celebrate her friends.

And then came the moment I knew I wanted to make a radical change like she had done, and I was determined to move to Los Angeles and emulate her. Why not? Everything she represented seemed exciting and I was eager to be changed by association. So I did it. I moved to LA and setup my new life.

Virginia was supportive and helpful, and with all but one of her children still at home, we had many adventures together, and a lifetime friendship blossomed. Across the years, we had one major “falling out”– and her displeasure quickly set me back on my feet. I never wanted to disappoint her, and it was clear that I sought her approval. She was good at giving advice, and it was certainly not wasted on me.

Truthfully, without her, I would not be the woman I am today. While she is quiet and holds a lot inside, I am totally extroverted and have no problem emoting. At times I think I was too much for her, but she accepted me regardless. I am grateful to Virg for teaching me how to socialize and entertain groups of people while having elevated conversations across every topic on the planet; how to be a respected woman in business, and how to pull back from the rush of life when it’s all going too fast. She is strong in ways I am not, and I am a fighter in ways that she is not. I love her dearly and continue to be amazed at her tenacious spirit and great sense of humor.

GLORIA

The moment Gloria’s mother died when she was 20 years old, time stood still, and the girl she had been was frozen inside. She had been raised beautifully, in an upscale environment with lovely clothes, adored riding horses, and enjoyed the embrace of a big Italian family in New York. She aspired to write and create beautiful things, and life was sweet. But losing her mother had cost the family dearly, splintering the safe cocoon that had been her life, and leaving her vulnerable. And so it was that she accepted a proposal of marriage from a handsome soldier returned from WWII; they moved to New Jersey, and eventually raised five amazing children.

She was tenacious, fiercely loyal, sweet and generous. Above all, she loved Jesus, and never let a moment pass without injecting her faith to into every situation she faced. I met her at my church while singing in the choir and was touched by her tenderhearted and kind nature. Little did I know at that time that she would be my future mother-in-law.

That moment came and I married her son, and suddenly shared her last name. This is meaningful, as I didn’t realize that I married a family, and that an Italian mother would be so different than my previous experience with moms. She was obsessive about her family, and there was an unspoken expectation that life was to be shared in full, not in part. This was foreign to me, and I had to learn new ways to communicate, compromise and engage without hurting fragile feelings.

Gloria’s life wasn’t easy. She would often say that she didn’t want to burden others with her problems and would let days go by suffering in silence before we’d discover that she needed help. Yet, her undying commitment to finding the silver lining in every moment, combined with her devotion to Jesus, set an example of faith and hope that everyone who knew her could cling to. It certainly has laid a foundation for me that I would never have believed possible, as my realistic self would wage war against the shadowy invisible world of faith in things unseen. But Gloria was steadfast, and we shared years of battles, victories, and wonderful times seeing life unfold in our zany Italian family. When Gloria passed away, it became clear that her influence over me was more than I had believed. Her strength, resilience and passionate resolve resides in her children, and grandchildren. And hopefully, in me.

PAMELA

As for me, I am also a mom. My one and only son is the joy of my life, and I have loved watching him become a mighty man of God, a great friend and role model for many, a soon-to-be husband, and eventual father. Will he remember the good things about me when I am gone? Will he forgive the mistakes that surely have affected him in ways large and small? Time will tell. So for now, I remain a mash-up of attributes and habits collected across the years from lovely, talented and strong women; and I’m marching through life, doing the best I can to provide everything he needs. Don’t blink, you mothers out there, it goes by fast…

“There is no way to be a perfect mother, and a million ways to be a good one.” —Jill Churchill