Sacrifice of a mother

I feel like a ticking time bomb. This is what it really looks like having a high-risk, possibly life-threatening pregnancy in the middle of Covid-19 pandemic. I sit and wait for the maternal fetal specialist to call me in for testing and consultation. I have been waiting for over a month now. I put a smile on my face for my family so they can forget about the hardships during the holiday season. I smiled and opened gifts with them. We even opened a gift for Baby M, but during all of this all I could think of “what if we don’t make it”? The sad reality is our baby might not be here next year to open gifts. I might not be the same person next year. I guess I am a bit of a pessimist, because I always look at the worst possible outcomes. I want to prepare myself for what could happen, while still trusting the medical system: doctors and nurses. I know they will do their best to help us.

I am glad my husband is at home now with me and our children. He keeps the house running and takes care of our children. He took on the responsibilities I had when everything was okay. The thing is nothing feels okay anymore. I know it always could be worst; and I know that I should be thankful for everything I have. And I am thankful. But I also hate this, hate this situation, and hate the possible outcomes. I hate that after having 3 healthy, full term babies, I might not be so lucky again. I hate that my body is betraying me in the worst possible way. I hate the wait, the bed rest, and the uncertainty. I still have a slight chance that I do not have placenta accreta, but I do have soft markers that indicate this condition. The large placental lake that possibly takes the oxygen and nutrients away from my baby could be attached to my artery. It is scary to think about. Every single ultrasound fills me with worries about my child. Is my baby growing? Did my baby stop growing? Is my placenta trying to take over? It’s like having an evil placenta taking over your body slowly. It’s not supposed to happen. It supposed to nourish the life that is growing inside not taking it away.

The risks of this condition (placenta accrete) are a lot to list but here are a few of them. It can cause premature birth, postpartum hemorrhage, and damage to uterine muscle and other nearby organs. This condition happens about 0.2 % of all pregnancies. The treatment is usually a C-section and hysterectomy if the bleeding can’t be controlled. Women usually need blood transfusion, and they sometimes need to be admitted into ICU post-op.

While researching this condition, I came across a lot of personal stories. Stories where women had an easier surgery and no hysterectomy. Stories in which babies were fine; and stories in which babies had to be admitted to the NICU. In some stories, women lost a lot of blood needing blood transfusion. In other stories, women had to have multiple surgeries to “fix” their bladders due to damage caused by the placenta. And in the most heart-breaking stories, women lost legs and fingers or even their lives after carrying their babies under their hearts for as long as their bodies were able to handle the condition. I also had the chance to talk to a lot of women who have already gone through this. Some women never had any bleeding or problems, while others have had bleeding and hospital stays. Some women have told me their babies were small, some barely even 2-3 pounds at birth. I learnt a lot from these amazing mothers. Some have told me they have been therapy for the trauma they endured during their pregnancies and surgeries, essentially dealing with PTSD. Others were able to come to terms with everything and were able to “move on”. Will I be able to do the same? Or will I be dealing with PTSD? The thought of a surgery scares me to my core.

But there is still a chance that my placental lake is not caused by placental invasion. I pray and wish that it is not. I hope that I can have the birth I wanted and hold my baby

afterwards just like I did with my other children. I hope I won’t need a surgery to have this baby. And I hope that this baby can stay put till our due date. I can’t imagine having a newborn in the NICU. I can’t imagine leaving my precious baby in the hospital knowing I can’t bring it home or be there as much as I want. I can’t imagine not being able to hold my child, because I am scared it will hurt its’ beautiful, tiny body. I hope I will be able to avoid all of these. I can only hope.

How is it possible in today’s world that most people do not know about this life- threatening condition? How is it that women go into surgeries not knowing if they will keep their uterus after having their child or be admitted into the ICU? How do you say bye to your children and husband knowing after the surgery your life will never be the same? Either the surgery changes you or the experience of a high-risk, stressful pregnancy does. Most women who had to deal with this are left with a scar on their bellies which tell a scary story about their immense strength and never-ending love for their children. I hope I never have to prove my strength in such a way and be as brave as they had to be. But if I do, I know I have an amazing support system now consisting of my husband, children, family, and some of the women I got to know since this crazy journey began.