Rock Bottom

by Kennedy Rae about a year ago in grief

The lowest time of my year

Rock Bottom

My year started out wonderfully. I seriously couldn't have asked for better. I was in a healthy relationship with my boyfriend, and I had my whole year in front of me. In April I received the best news I could have. I saw the pregnant sign on a test. I was filled with joy and sadness and fear that day. My body couldn't quite comprehend. We had been trying for four months, and finally I got what I desired. I was probably one of the happiest people being pregnant, but it didn't last long for me at all.

I was only pregnant for three weeks when tragedy struck. My miscarriage.

For days I had been feeling strange back pain and cramping. I had noticed my back started to hurt like I was on my period for three days straight. I thought it was odd and brushed it off, because I've had back pain problems in the past before. Then I had to call in sick from work or go home early, because I was cramping. In truth I thought they were gas bubbles that got stuck under my rib cage. Those can be quite painful. It wasn't gas bubbles at all. I called my doctor and told them what was happening, she recommended bed rest. I followed her orders exactly. No getting up unless to go to the restroom, and keeping my feet elevated. I even had to take progesterone. One day I started to spot. I had the most panicked face, I know I could feel it, when I told my boyfriend. He just told me to relax and try not to stress. He said it was probably nothing. But in the back of my mind I knew what it was. I didn't want to believe it. I willed myself to think of this not going the direction I though it was. I was so desperately afraid.

I kept spotting for days, all brown. one morning I woke up and it had turned a very light pink. at this point I was so worried. I began cramping even more that night and felt off in general. I ended up going to the ER that night for the spotting and cramping. They gave me an ultrasound and I saw my baby, the heart beating strong. I smiled and went home to rest easy.

The next day I followed up with my ob doctor. She also did an ultrasound and I heard the heartbeat loud and clear. Everything was perfect. I went to the pharmacy and filled the prescription of progesterone she prescribed and went home to lay down. The day I started taking progesterone I laid down for two hours before feeling this horrible cramping sensation. Quickly Idialed my mother on the phone andexplained what was happening, and what it felt like. Then while on the phone, I felt the biggest and most sharp pain I have ever felt in all my years. I got up with the urge to pee and was panicking even more. I started to pee and it was bloody, soon after another cramp, I had passed my baby. I was staring at it in the toilet.

Screaming and crying I barely managed to tell my mom what was happening. She hung up and called my boyfriend who rushed home from work. I was unintelligible with my speech, just sobbing. We reached the hospital around seven PM, and I kept bleeding. All the way through my pants, soaked, sitting and waiting. I had stopped crying now, accepting what had happened. I saw many large clots leave my body adding to my horror. It was painful, stressful, and emotional. It wasn't until midnight that they finally came to me with the ultrasound machine. I had known already what they would say, I was more interested in if I had loose material still in the womb. Everything came out naturally, and I went home.

It wasn't until I got home that I began to cry again. I dropped to my knees and wept looking at the baby gifts my mom surprised me with a week earlier. It was unbearable. I felt like a shell of myself. I felt like less of a woman because I couldn't carry a child to term.

My boyfriend and I started to split. I was in bed with him one night just talking and I said, "you're going to leave me aren't you?" and he replied simply, "yes." The truth I had known already broke my heart to hear out loud. We spent the next few days together in a weird and broken state as he tried to process, and I tried to pick myself back up. Come Monday I went back to work slapping a smile on my face. I was far from ok.

It took time, but I healed. We healed. We said goodbyes through talking about it, revisiting it. We worked together to find a way out of the mud. I am stronger because of it now. I am woman. We are strong beings by nature. But most importantly, I was a mother.

grief
Kennedy Rae
Kennedy Rae
Read next: Allie on the Sand
Kennedy Rae
See all posts by Kennedy Rae