Revenge of The Frogs

In the middle of Critteden, Kentucky is a small but very fine pond. A pond that is home to some of the largest and loudest Bull Frogs in the state, Nay, the country. It is a pond that on a very late drunken Friday night my Unk said, “I’m gonna learn ya somethin’ Nephew.” Unk enjoyed the simple things, Bluegrass music, beer, bourbon, women and frog legs. The latter being one of his favorite of activities because it could be done in total darkness while enjoying many a cold fermented beverage. Too many at times.

The night started like any other when my father and I arrived at his Double wide with loud greetings and his “Damn Nephew you’re gettin’ big!” I was around the age of fourteen at the time of this particular occasion, when he was in rare form. Walking into the trailer I noticed right away the half empty bottle of Jack Daniels and the look of joy in his eyes upon seeing Dad. They were very close growing up and always looked forward to visits. Unk said, “ I got a new spot i’m gonna take ya boys too tonight. Found it a couple weeks ago on my last frog run.” “Aw hell.” Is the only reply my father made as he looked over at me with the same look he always gave when he knew we were in for a time. After dark as Dad and I were sitting on the porch watching the day come to an end Unk pushes his way out of the front door with a couple of gigs, a net, a flashlight and a pair of hip wadders on. Dropping his stash and asking me and Dad to grab it up as he goes back inside and comes out with a styrofoam cooler full of beer. “Alright now, let’s do this.” and we marched over the hill in front of his house off into the dark with nothing but the full moonlight. I was full of curiosity and thrilled because it felt like we were into some bad shit. We crossed a few different fields and fences as my Unk was explaining to me the correct way to blind the frogs once ya find ‘em to keep ‘em still long enough to nail them with the gig.

Then as we came within maybe fifty yards of the pond you could hear them all, it sounded like hundreds of victims all groaning and barking at he same time. The pond was illuminated by the moonlight and the millions of lighting bugs all around. As we got closer Unk picked out a tree to set up by, “Now I’m gonna learn ya sumthin’ Nephew. Pay attention.” I watched as he set his beer down and picked up a gig and began to walk into the water disappearing into the dark with only his flashlight marking his position. My Father was next to me softly laughing to himself at Unk’s teachings. Unk speaking as low as he could with so much alcohol in his bloodstream said, “You hear that big one over there? Now ya gotta sneak up slow and get the light right into their ey…” suddenly the flashlight was bobbing up and down violently in and out of the water and the water thrashing around sounded like a shark attack as my Unk shouted every obscenity known to man, “Son of a fucking bitch! You dirty Mother Fuckers! He jumped into my fucking face Brother!” My father had spit out the unfiltered Lucky Strike he had usually smoked all the way to his lip as he bellowed with laughter at Unk’s so called teachable moment. Unk begged for help as my father composed himself enough to try and pull him out of the water, but his wadders had taken in so much water that it was like trying to pull out three men and of course my Father found himself going over Unk’s head and face first into the water as well. All of the creatures of the night in the area had gone quiet at this point except for a very entertained and newly taught teenager who was rolling on the ground in uncontrollable laughter and possibly pissing himself.

As they both finally started to emerge from the water I noticed that Unk had taken off the wadders in the water so he could move and was now soaked to the bone and wearing only a Waylon Jennings t-shirt and his white Fruit of the Looms. My Father had a full appointment of Denim, jeans, jacket and his boots in his hands. And at that moment as though they were laughing at themselves the frogs had all gone back too they're barking and groaning and I was crying with laughter. “Well, that sucked.” was all that was said by Dad and the sound of Unk grumbling all the way back to the trailer as his socks squished with every step.

Oh the things I learned that night.