Reflecting on the End of Our Journey

A couple of weeks ago, I made the tough decision to stop breastfeeding. You can read about it here.

Afterwards, I decided to keep a 14-day journal to track my moods, energy levels, food cravings and anything else I might notice.

I was sceptical and didn’t believe I’d notice any changes. At the very least, I was hoping to maybe feel a little less tired throughout the day, as I know producing milk uses a lot of energy.

As expected, I noticed no major changes. I came down with a nasty cold during the second week and I actually missed recording the last day of my journal as I just didn’t have the mental capacity to think about writing. So, if anything, I was actually more tired, emotionally and physically by the end of it.

The biggest surprise for me was discovering how quickly one of the most important things I’ve ever done in my life just quietly faded away to nothing.

I felt quite emotional in my first week, as I was still getting over the heartbreak of having to let go. I also had my first job interview since finishing work, so the combination of the two made things seem very real all of a sudden.

On the first morning, I accidentally burnt my croissant and nearly burst into tears. It was then that I realised this was all hitting me much harder than I thought.

On the positive side, I did enjoy not having to pump anymore and it was great to be able to just sit down and have a minute to myself when he was napping, rather than running for the breast pump.

We had many ups and downs over the fortnight as he started to enter his tantrum phase.

I had one particularly eventful morning where he decided to throw a tantrum for no obvious reason while I was at someone else’s house completing a dog-sitting job. I ended up having to leave early before he destroyed something at their house. I wrangled him kicking and screaming into his pram and sustained a nasty bite injury in the process. I then had to get the poor puppy quickly secured back in his enclosed area, leave the house with my tiny possessed monster and get him in his car seat.

My habit of overanalysing everything had me wondering if these tantrums had anything to do with my decision to stop breastfeeding, as they seemed to start around the same time.

But the good moments outweighed the bad.

We had lots of opportunities for cuddles while reading stories together.

He has started saying “Mama,” a lot more now and one afternoon when I picked him up from daycare he saw me and said, “Hi Mama,” and came running across the room into my arms.

He has also started getting into music, and hearing him try to sing “Incy Wincy Spider” is the most adorable thing ever.

Four weeks later, I still haven’t noticed any major changes, just the sad realisation that time slips away, and you have to savour every moment.

From now on, I’m going to cherish every time he asks to be picked up, every time he asks me to read him a story, every time he asks for a cuddle, because you never know when a last time will truly be your last time.