Recent Discovery

Mom, first off I want to tell you how much I love you and have appreciated all the effort you put into raising my brother and I. Now before I get into what I need to say, I also want you to know that I understand how hard it is raising two children, and that your actions and words were not meant to cause the reactions in me that it did. I recently realized that, even though our relationship has gotten better, I am still angry and hurt.

One of my earliest memories, that may have been the start, was when you, my brother and I were visiting a friends house. You were having some coffee and talking about how well my older brother was doing in school, he had high marks and had won a short story contest in school. Once I heard you guys starting to change the subject I had approached you with my report card, I had been really proud of how well I did. That school day was a particularly happy one for me, as we had done a reading comprehension test and I found out my reading level was four grades ahead of where I was. Now when I handed you the report card, you barely spent more than a few seconds glancing at, said "That's nice", and went back to talking about my brother again with your friend. For a very long time after this happened, I always felt like I was being compared to my brother with everything. Even if he did something bad and I didn't.

You and dad had to move my brother to a few different schools because he had started getting bullied quite severely. I remember he would often come home with bruises, and he was always angry, and when he was angry I was his target. You and dad knew he would bully me, and would just brush it off as sibling rivalry. I don't believe sibling rivalry would include one sibling trying to seriously injure or kill the other sibling. I don't think you guys were ever aware of some of the things my brother did to me because when I would tell you, you took my brothers word for it. Now, shortly after his first transfer, I started getting bullied at school. I got bullied by the same people my brother got bullied by, and they even told me that they were doing it specifically because they hated my brother. At first I just let it happen, it only started as a few comments here and there, I could put up with that, but it escalated to being shoved and physically abused. The teachers did nothing, and when I tried to tell you, you told me "it's not as bad as your brothers". That one statement told me that I was on my own. Once again, things escalated from there. The bullies had started to sexually harass me, grabbing my butt, asking me for blowjobs and saying that I gave my brother those. I didn't know back then what sexual harassment was, I just knew I was uncomfortable and that you weren't going to help me. Things finally stopped when one day a guy grabbed my butt, shoved me into a locker, and pressed himself against me, I was done with it. I grabbed the guys wrist and broke it. I got suspended from school and I remember you getting so angry at me that I got into a fight that you didn't even listen to my side of the story.

Over the years similar things had happened, and I learned to just accept it. But, new things happened too. As my older brother started acting out more and rebelling, I would do my best to make sure I was always on my best behavior. I would do more chores, make dinner or bake, do well in school, and try not to get upset or talk back even if I was angry or upset about something. At some point, you started telling me I was ninety-eight percent perfect with that two percent that can sometimes bite you in the ass. I remember trying even harder to get you to tell me that I was perfect, I would do even more chores, if you and dad fought I would let you vent to me. Nothing I did made you say the words I wanted to hear, or even get a thank you. It felt like no matter what I did it was never enough, and when I would get to that point of frustration I would lash out. You would say that ninety-eight percent thing again, and I would repeat the cycle. To this day, I hate being called perfect or told that I'm close to perfect.

Going on into my early teen years, I still tried just as hard to get your attention and approval. However, instead of being told that perfect percentage phrase you used, you started to call me a "mini me". Not only did people start mistaking us for sisters, me as the older sister, but my mannerisms, how I spoke, and my personality reminded you so much of yourself you called me the mini version of you. I hated this. I didn't hate how I looked cause there was nothing I could really change from that other than dyeing my hair, but the fact that you still couldn't see me as me. I was still someone else in your eyes. When I came to that realization, I started dyeing my hair more, wearing more edgy clothing, and I stopped caring about things at school other than my friends. I think my sudden change angered or upset you. We started fighting more, and every fight you would bring up that this was an act of rebellion and not who I was. Now, in some aspects, that was right. But I wasn't doing anything that was bad, I wasn't taking drugs or alcohol, I didn't skip school, I didn't get into fights with other people. I was still a good kid, just one that wanted to be my own person instead of being in your or my brothers shadow.

Now, I'm an adult that's engaged to be married. My brother is finally in a healthy place, he's not doing drugs or alc0hol anymore, has a stable job, a beautiful daughter, and he is in a stable relationship and household. You've done a lot better with being more open minded and supportive as well and I am proud of how you have grown as well. However, I don't think you see me as me yet. When I used to come visit you, we always had fun cooking or baking together, but at some point during my visit you would make a comment about my weight. Always needing to lose weight. I've been struggling to accept who I am and how I look, but it feels like you are still struggling to just accept me as I am still. Now that I've been in a healthy relationship for over three years, every time I come visit, you ask me if I'm pregnant. Even after I've told you several times that I don't plan to have kids yet, you still ask if I'm pregnant, and it honestly hurts. I'm either someone that needs to lose weight, or become a baby making machine. I do plan to have kids in the future, but not for at least another two years, and you know this. I understand you're excited to have more grandkids, but please show me respect.

While you were raising us, you often had to work two or sometimes three jobs. You always made sure we had food on the table, a roof over our heads, and clothes on our backs. When you had the chance, you would spend time with us and try to make sure we still had some joy in our childhood. I know you've been through your fair share of troubles as well. When dad got into that accident and couldn't work anymore, it changed our whole family dynamic and you had to work even harder for us. I'm so grateful for having everything I physically needed to grow up, I know not every child gets that opportunity. I hope you will grow more, and that your grandchildren will have your unconditional love and support. I hope that you do not show favoritism with your grandkids, because I know the damages it can cause.

Recently, I was letting you vent to me about my brothers pregnant girlfriend not doing as much around the house as you thought she should have been doing. You all live together and have to learn to live around each other. I had to remind you to be patient with her, she was pregnant, working part time, and has never really had a family. She grew up in a much different manner and didn't know how to make the familial connections. You thanked me for the advice I had given and told me how smart I was, and that made me angry. Growing up, I wanted to hear those kind of words from you, but now they made me upset. I was upset because I HAD to grow up from an early age. My emotional intelligence was so high because everything I did and went through, I dealt with on my own. This was when I realized that I was still angry and hurt by what I went through with you growing up.

One day, I will be able to have this conversation with you. I will go into a lot more detail than I have now, and I want you to listen to everything I have to say before you say anything. I won't be telling you this to hurt you, or make you apologize because apologizing won't fix it. I just need to talk it out. However, as I am right now, I am not fit to have this conversation. If we were to talk about it right now, I can't guarantee that I wouldn't say something mean or hurtful out of my anger and hurt. When the time comes for this conversation, I know you'll be hurt. You'll probably cry and feel guilty, because I know you don't remember everything that I will be talking about. I wish to move on from this, I still want you in my life. I love you, and no matter what happens, I always will.