If you sat down next to me and asked me what family meant to me, would you want to hear me say that it’s all kittens and rainbows, love and being there for one another? People who always have your back? That would be nice to hear wouldn’t it? Too bad I’m not here to tell you any version like that. My family deserves to be a reality tv show with how fucked up we are. There’s room for everyone.
My family is a whirlwind of fuckups, backstabbing, name calling, lying, he-said she-said, and lets not forget... Narcissism! Everyone in my family loves to think that they are the only ones going through shit. My grandparents brutally beat my mom and her siblings for their whole lives. See a reason someone might be a little fucked up there? My grandmother was abused in more than one manner by her parents. My grandmother’s dad raped her, and her mother was jealous of her for stealing her husband. My grandmother verbatim told me that her mother said, “she has a way with men.”
My mom likes to find every way in the world possible to put all of her problems onto other people. My stepdad raped me and yet, she found a way to make me feel like shit for the fact that he was gone and she never got her pussy wet. My mom left me to take care of my younger siblings At 12 years old so that she could work a 9 hour shift and then go spend the night at some random guys’ house until noon the next day. Even though she financially took care of us (if you want to even go that far), I was the one changing baby diapers, making lunches, dinners, breakfasts, potty training my sister, curing the fevers, and plenty more, which led us into foster care... She still found a way for everything to be my fault instead of taking responsibility for her actions.
We all have been traumatized in some way, and yet, no one wants to seem to break the cycle or mend things except for me. My grandmother is a fucking hypocrit. She tells you things because they make sense to her, and then finds a way to manipulate them so that they work for you in your head, but they really don’t in real life. This woman told me that I should break up with my boyfriend of 2 years because I need to explore and “Experiment” more. Saying that I shouldn’t be tied down so young. Well, fast forward a few weeks, I find out that that’s why my uncle and his girlfriend broke up for a little while. HER grandmother told her the same thing that mine did. They got back together and are engaged, but what a fucking coincidence, huh?? They started dating the same time my boyfriend and I started dating Which was junior year of high school. My boyfriend and I are still together, and even though he can really fuck up sometimes... who doesn’t? He’s human and so am I, and I still love him just the same.
My dad keeps ending up back in jail. I’ve never met him in person. The first time I ever heard his voice was on a phone call while he Was in prison. Everyday he promised that when he got out he’d call me and/or text me everyday. Once he got out, it was like pulling teeth to even get a text back. And he got a phone the DAY he got out! He went and knocked up some girl he met at church, so now I have a little sister who unfortunately has to share our genes. And still to this day I’ve never met him.
I’m 19. I’m picking up all the pieces still from my traumatic life and trying to take care of myself physically and emotionally While also fixing everyone else in the process. I’m not saying that I’ve never fucked up, and that I never will because I have... a lot. But I do my best to learn from my mistakes. That’s what life is all about. You live and you learn. But the most important thing that I’ve learned in the past 19 years of life, is how much I don’t want to be like my mom or my grandmother. My grandmother always thinks that she’s right because she has age on her side, but she also tries to find a “logical” explanation for everything. And if what you say doesn’t please her, she’ll tell you any and everything as to why what you say is invalid. My mom never made me or my siblings feel loved. Since I’ve moved out our relationship has gotten progressively better, but the things in the past still linger near in the back of my mind. I don’t EVER want my kids to feel like what they say is wrong, or make them feel unloved.
So, what does family really mean to me? Not putting someone down when they’re voicing an opinion, not making them feel like a waist of your time. Learning from your mistakes and admitting when you’re wrong, and apologizing because we’re all human! Family is hard, but it isn’t not worth it.