Raising an LGBTQI Child

If any of you beautiful readers out there need any tips or support raising an LGBTQI child with support, understanding, caring and love, then this blog entry is for you.

This is how it all started for me as a Mum:

It was September 9th 2018 when my 11 year old child approached me and said "Mum, I've got something to tell you". I looked at my beautiful child and said, "What is it Honey". The response: "Well Mum, you know how you got straight A's in College?" "Yes, I replied". "Well Mum, I'm not straight. I'm not sure what I am. I might be bi, or trans or queer or gay, but I'm not straight". I looked into my child's deep green eyes filled with hope, peace and love and I reached out my arms, pulled my child close to me and said. "Life is a journey sweetheart, this is your journey and I will be here every step of the way. I love you so much and there is not a single thing in this entire world that could ever change that. Promise me one thing. "What's that?" my child said. "That you will never be afraid to talk to me or share what you are going through because I am here for you no matter what. "I love you so much Mum, I promise, but can you promise me one thing?" my child replied. "Yes, of course kiddo, what would you like?" "I want you to promise me that you will never tell Dad". I looked into this beautiful face, this soft peaceful soul, now concerned, scared and fragile. "Of course I promise". I said. And I never said a word.

Tip 1: TRUST

No matter how challenging it may feel to you, if your child confides in you anything regarding their gender, sexuality, identity etc. You MUST honor their wishes as to who they want to know and share this journey with. If you are having trouble with this, I suggest calling an anonymous support line to gain some advice, support and education about raising an LGBTQI child. Initially, when my child first came out as "not straight". My first thought was, I need to talk to someone about this. I don't want to fuck it up. As some of my close friends are Gay, bi and transgender, I knew from their stories that the hardest part was coming out to a non supportive family and feeling ashamed of who they were. In no way shape or form should your child ever feel ashamed. If they have come to you in confidence and even such as in my case requested their father not know. DO NOT break that trust. It is crucial to maintaining a positive relationship with your child and to support them in their journey, in which you must remember, it's THEIR journey, not yours. Your job is to support, love, understand and listen. If your child does ask for advice, tread very carefully here. The goal is to make them feel safe and confident in themselves, not to tell them who they are or who they should be. That decision is theirs to decide alone.

2. Tip 2: SUPPORT

It is crucial that your child has an established support network around them with people they trust and love. However, do not make assumptions as to who those people may be. You may think that a loving Aunt or Uncle, or even a friend is an appropriate person to add to the support network but they may not be and may hinder you child's journey, self esteem, confidence and break down the trust you have built with them. Instead, go to your child. Tell them that there are people who are there to care and support them through this time. Give your child options and suggestions of people and communities that you recommend but let them choose who they want. Ultimately, it should be their choice and they should feel safe in making these choices. The goal is to build confidence and surround them with love and definitely not to interfere with a journey that is theirs and theirs alone. For my child, we researched some communities together. Eventually, my child chose to enter a support group of teens aged 11 - 16 called A Bit Bent. It was a wonderful stepping stone for my child and this courageous little community of teens welcomed my child with open arms, zero judgement, offering friendship, a sense of belonging and well-being. From there, my child became confident enough to share this journey with close friends and some family, blossoming as a result, honing, defining and re-defining an identity.

Tip 3: CHALLENGES:

We are human, we all fuck up. We all make mistakes when raising children no matter how hard we try. Accept this, acknowledge this, learn from our mistakes and never be too proud to apologise to your child if you do fuck up. Examples of Fuck ups:

Acknowledging your feelings without placing them on your child:

I understand that many parents go through what may be perceived as a grieving process when their child comes out. Feelings of denial, anger, grief, fear and guilt may all be part of your process to the end result, acceptance. These feelings are common for some parents and not so much for others. The important thing is to let yourself process these feelings alone or with an objective supporter such as a psychologist or counsellor. These feelings are valid, but remember, they are not about your child, they are about you and the way you understand and look at the world. Do not place your woes or burdens on your child. These feelings are best dealt with as a separate issue to your child's journey. Yes it may be hard, yes it may be shitty but as parents your job is to suck it up, deal with it and move forward. Think of it in terms of other stressors in your life you wouldn't place on your children. If you are struggling financially for example. This is not a burden that should be placed on an 11 year old. Sounds harsh? Oh well. Suck it up parents of today. Deal with that shit and just love your kid.

Breaking Trust:

Examples of this include:

- Telling a close friend about your child's identity

-Telling your family

- Telling your child's school

- Telling parents at your child's school (even if they are your friend) etc.

PUSHING YOUR CHILD TO MAKE A DECISION ABOUT THEIR IDENTITY BEFORE THEY ARE READY

This is a big one. You may feel like you are being the modern, awesome parent by saying things like. "It's so cool you are Gay" or likewise, but this is disempowering for your child. They may feel pressured to fit into the "Gay Box" when in actuality they haven't found their true identity yet. They may be jumping in between Gay or Bi, or perhaps they are Pan, Trans or Non- binary. As parents we can't assume or tag our children with a label. It is our job to empower them to make their own decisions about their identity and to do it with love, patience and understanding. In fact, this journey may take years for your child to discover this. They may even struggle in adulthood. My own child is three years into this journey and has experimented with identifying as Gay, Pan, Bi and Transgender. The point is, my child has not reached the end of the journey, perhaps it will never end in my life-time and I reiterate, it is our job to support, love unconditionally, be patient, understanding and kind. This may seem like no easy task and you may find it frustrating but put yourself in your child's shoes. Imagine how frustrated and confused they must feel. Do not place your frustrations on your child. It will only end in heartache.

Tip 4: BE VIGILANTE AND AWARE

Suicide

The Facts:

Suicide is the number one cause of death among LGBTQI young people,

LGBTQI youths are two to six times more likely to commit suicide than heterosexuals.

LGBTQI youths that are rejected by families are 8 times more likely to attempt suicide.

Transgender young adults are at even higher risk, at 45% having attempted suicide.

Drug and Substance Abuse

LGBTQI youths are 3.4 times more likely than other students to use illegal drugs.

25% of LGBTQI youths abuse alcohol.

Violence and Bullying

Compared to heterosexual students, LGBTQI youths are more likely to report:

being forced into having sex

experiencing sexual dating violence

Are 2-3 times more likely to be bullied both online and at school

CONCLUSION

So how does all this fit in to me as a parent you ask? What can I do? How should I start? IT doesn't matter how you came to read this page today or how long it took you to take action towards being the parent your child needs in this journey. What matters is what I have laid out before you is there to help you get started. Remember the important BIG things to support your child.

1 . TRUST - DO NOT BREAK IT

2. SUPPORT - Work with your child to find the network that suits them best. This network will be invaluable to your child and will allow you as a parent to take a step back and watch your child flourish.

3. IDENTITY - As parents we can't assume or tag our children with a label. It is our job to empower them to make their own decisions about their identity and to do it with love, patience and understanding.

4. BE VIGILANTE AND AWARE - This is a no brainer. If you are willing to be there for your child, no matter what, support them, love them unconditionally and exercise patience. They will be in a much better headspace to cope with the challenges of being part of the LGBTQI community. Despite this however, you must remain vigilante and aware. Check in on your child regularly, monitor their social media, friendships and school environment. If there are any signs of self harm, drug abuse etc. DO NOT HESITATE! Book them in with a psychologist IMMEDIATELY.

Sending love to all you beautiful people out there. You are all so special and unique. Love yourself, love your family, love your life. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE!