Rainbow After the Storm

Miscarriage has always been kind of a taboo subject, yet one in four women go through miscarriage or loss of their infant. No one really talks about the pain, grief, guilt, or emptiness you feel, not to mention all the unanswered questions, like why did this happen? Was it my fault? There's the fact that you never got to hold your baby, to know what their life would be like, to even know whether your baby was boy or girl, the names you had picked out for them.

The loss you feel is like a long dark tunnel that you think will never end. Grief swallows you up and you feel like you are alone, not to mention the grief the fathers go through, too. They go through the pain of losing their baby as well, knowing that they were going to be a daddy soon and that dream gone.

You are not alone. I want to tell you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel but it doesn’t mean you forget. You eventually heal but you are never the same. It just means you keep moving forward even if it’s a slow process.

I was 17 when I had my first miscarriage. I was scared, didn’t think I was ready for a baby, and just when I felt I could do it, the baby was gone before I knew it. I was eleven week along. I had already had my first ultrasound at ten weeks. Seeing those little arms and legs and hearing that little heart beat gave me the courage to think I could do it. Not even a week later, that dream was gone. My heart broke, depressed, and I felt alone. I felt like I wished it on myself. I blamed myself for what happened.

A year and a half after my first miscarriage, I got pregnant with my first daughter. I was 19. I had all those fears, worries, and even all that pain all over again. I didn't get to really get to enjoy my pregnancy, not to mention the fear of raising my daughter alone. The first time I held my baby, the fear never really went away but I knew she was my light at the end of my dark tunnel. My little miracle.

Little over a year after I had my baby girl, I met the love of my life. He showed me there are real men out there. He treated my baby girl like the little princess she was and loved her just as I did. Several months later, we found out we were having a baby. I had my first ultrasound at six weeks. We were at nine weeks when they realized the baby wasn’t getting any bigger. It wasn’t long before our excited turned to grief as I found out I had had another miscarriage.

I was 21 when I had my second miscarriage. I felt like I didn’t even want to try anymore. I felt like there was something wrong with my body, like I was not meant to have any children. We were heart broken. My oldest was too little to understand what happened. She never knew she was going to be a big sister. A year after we had been married, I found out I was pregnant yet again but this time was different. I still had the fear and pain not knowing what to expect or how to feel. I was afraid to tell anyone, not wanting to get attached to another pregnancy until we found out we were having a girl. Knowing we were having another little girl, our hearts were filled with joy.

I was 22 when I had my second daughter. The birth of my second baby girl felt like a new beginning, a new light, a new hope, and another miracle. When you're going through the storm it may seem dark and dreary but there is always a rainbow at the end of the storm — a light at the the end of the tunnel, a hope of new beginning. We still grieve for the ones gone too soon. They will never be forgotten. The love we have for them will always be in our hearts and know that one day we will see them again.