Pushing Forward

A wave of grief hit our family like a ton of bricks a little over a year ago, my brother in-law was murdered on one of the busiest highways in California in broad daylight. We have yet to find answers but even if we did, even if we got them, it still wouldn't bring him back. The loss of him was one of mass proportions. This alone would have been enough to make our world crumble. He was everyone's favorite. I've known him since he was a baby. He was a kind soul, sweet and protective. But with no other choice, we picked up the pieces of our shattered hearts and tried to keep it pushing. The silence in the room as we sit together as a family gets heavy. The things that aren't said weigh a ton. But the one thing I can truly say is I still feel him near. I still see him in all the small details of our every day lives.

Eight months later, my Dad passed away. Even after the hellish months we've had prior, I was still in complete shock. After the initial call, the heartache and longing set in to want to give him a hug and tell him thank you for everything. Wishing I had said sorry more often and wishing I would have called more. You never think of the day that the person that gave you life would no longer be in yours physically. You don't stop to think of the impact people have on you until after they're gone. Until it blindsides you.

A month after that, my husband's Grandma passed. She was strong and a God-fearing woman. She treated me like gold and held such a special place in my heart. I felt like I was hanging on by a thread. The worry, pain and grief was building and snowballing into big waves of emotions. I was devastated then angry, grateful then sad. And for a while I wanted nothing but solitude. Even with all these feelings and emotions you go through, life still has to go on. You turn yourself onto autopilot so the day to day can continue. You plan the funerals, make the arrangements and spend the necessary funds to make their celebration of life a beautiful one. Yet inside you're numb, you force a smile but are completely broken inside.

Three deaths within a nine month span felt like a horror movie. I found myself pinching my arms just to realize the redness of my skin as it welted up solidifying that this was indeed real life. The heaviness that weighs on you going through experiences like this is something I can't describe. It's something you just don't know until you actually go through it.

The thing about death that no one likes to think about is that it is inevitable. We will all go through it. It makes it scary because no one knows what will happen next. We make assumptions of what it will feel like or where you go. We read of other people's near death experiences and take what we want of it. It makes you keenly aware of how short life truly is. That it is probationary. I'm not sure what you think may happen beyond death but I believe there is more. I believe though they aren't here in the physical sense, they are very much present in our minds, the way we conduct our daily lives and the way we speak about them when pondering on the memories.

I believe that even through the pain of the death of a loved one, we can choose to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and live our life to the fullest. Keeping our loved ones that have passed on in our hearts, thoughts and continually knowing that their legacy lives on. We can live like there is no tomorrow even when faced with pain and heartache. We can honor them by pushing through each day with a happy heart and a resolve to do more.

The days, weeks and months feel unreal. You still think that they'll walk through the door or that you'll get a text or call from them. The holidays feel empty and incomplete. The waves of grief hit you when you least expect it but also the glimpses of peace overwhelm you giving you hints that all will be well and that you'll be able to push forward.

I don't know what's to come after death but I do know that when my tomorrow never comes, I will be at peace knowing that I did more, that I pushed harder and made every day count for them, for my family but especially for myself. I will be okay knowing the ones that loved and supported me were impacted in some small way by my love, words and actions.

With all that I've faced this past year, I realize that I do not fear death. I realize that all that I have encountered in my life has brought me to this point. It is what has made me who I am and strengthened me in ways I would never know otherwise. I know I was made to do more. I was built to push and succeed even when the chips are stacked against me. My hope is that you know that you are made for this too. Whatever it is that you are going through. That you will be okay, scars and all. Time may not heal your wounds but you'll learn to continue to keep going. May you lean into your purpose and push forward with faith that you were meant to be here and you can do great things. I hope you never forget that.