Pros of Losing My Mom

It's weird to think there are pros that came out of losing my mom. I mean, what good could possibly come from losing your mom? To my surprise, a lot.

I love my mom with all my heart, don't get me wrong. This isn't about her being a bad mother. She was a wonderful woman who would have done anything for us kids. She did everything she could for family and friends. She had a huge, kind heart.

A little background on the day my mother "died." I was 13 when she passed away. My mom was having really bad stomach cramps and was throwing up all day so later that night she went to the hospital. It ended up being her gallbladder; it needed to come out. My sister picked me up from the hospital to go home and get sleep for school the next day. My mom had said, "Take a picture of me for your brother while I'm alive and well." What? Looking back at that now, I can't help but wonder if she knew she was dying. Earlier in the day she was saying things like "I feel like I'm dying." Come on, Mom. Anyway, when I was leaving the room she said she loved me. I didn't say it back that night. I regret not turning around and telling her I loved her too because that ended up being the last chance I got to talk to her.

The next morning my parents got home around 5 AM. The hospital had pumped her full of drugs and sent her home. My mom had pretty bad sleep apnea. Her body just couldn't fight to breathe like it normally did. My dad left for work around 6 AM and told my brother not to wake my mom up to take him to school and to walk. They left me home to help her with things if she needed. I'm the one who woke up next to her, unconscious with foam running from her nose down her face. I wiped the foam away and did everything I could think of that I KNEW would get her attention. This time they didn't. I called my dad and told him she wasn't waking up. He rushed home and cried when she saw her. I didn't know what was going on and he didn't know how to tell me what was happening. He called my brother out of school and my sister from work. My mom was a hoarder so when my brother got home, he and my dad had to roll my mom onto a comforter and drag her onto the front lawn. We knew the paramedics weren't going to be able to get into the house with the gurney. So there my mom was, laying on the front yard, waiting to be saved. We had five cell phones on hold trying to call 911; the house phone finally went through. My mom was breathing up to the second the ambulance hit our lawn. She stopped breathing. The paramedics worked on her for a few minutes. A woman came to tell us that they couldn't find a pulse, but there was one more procedure they could try. Obviously we had them do it and they found a faint pulse so we were rushed to the hospital. I didn't go to the hospital for two or three days. I didn't want to see her like that. She was in a coma. I finally went to visit her. I didn't know how to feel or act around her, with her being unconscious. My dad told me to talk to her, that she could still hear me. I grabbed her hand, hadn't said anything yet. I felt her hand tighten as I held her hand. I don't know if it was her or just a reflex. I like to think it was her grabbing my hand back. She was in the ICU for about a month and a half. We had three different second opinions... They just weren't coming back with what we wanted to hear. My mom was brain dead. IF she ever woke up, she wouldn't remember who we were. She would have needed someone with her 24/7. She would have needed to start all over. My mom was a crafty woman. We knew she would have hated being in a vegetable state. We made the choice to let her go. It was selfish for us to keep her "alive" like that. It wasn't her anymore.

We watched them take out her breathing tube. We watched her struggle to breathe. We watched her die. I stayed in the room with her for about an hour after she passed. I held her hand. I felt her body go cold and stiffen.

Now to the pros of all this happening... Again, it's weird to say that something good came out of losing her.

It's been ten very long, hard years. I'm 23, yet still can't get past "long, hard" being in the same sentence being funny. I have a wonderful boyfriend who understands me better than anyone in my life, who I plan to marry one day. I have an amazing eight-month-old daughter that came a month early but is so advanced in everything she does. My dad and I had a pretty rocky relationship from 13 to about when I turned 20 years old. I wouldn't say our relationship is necessarily fixed now but we do have a much better relationship. It's different, but it works. My sister and I became closer, she basically played Mom for me for about 3–4 years. I love her. We have our differences, but at the end of the day, we're there for each other no matter what. My brother and I have a strong bond. I love him. I wish I got to visit them more often but we all have our own lives now.

That's the pros that came after my mom dying. Had she not died, I wouldn't have made a MySpace account at 13. I wouldn't have met a friend on there, who I then met my current boyfriend through. Had I not met my boyfriend, I wouldn't have my daughter right now. My relationships with my dad and siblings became stronger, in the end. I've learned A LOT of lessons along the way. I can't wait for what awaits for my family.

I've been asked, "If you could go back and change something, what would it be?" I'd like to think I'd go back and save my mom. If I'm being honest, I'm not sure I would because of what's come out of her passing. It's hard to say that. How could I not save my mom? I wish every day that she was here. That she could celebrate things with me. So I could have told her she's going to be a grandma. So I'd see her with my daughter. My daughter could have known such a wonderful woman. It's a hard choice.