Proper etiquette when dealing with grieving widows

Everyone processes death differently and when a spouse dies the one left behind may be dealing with varied emotions. This is why people should be careful regarding the way they approach a grieving widow. Within one week of my husband dying I have learned so much and I now share in order to educate others.

Please do reach out

It's true that some women might not be as sad as others when their husband passes away but most are probably devastated. A widow who loved her spouse has lost her life partner and needs all the support she can get. Reach out in any way you can to let her know you care. Phone calls, texts, instant messages, social media posts, or cards sent via snail mail will all be appreciated. If you cannot attend the service please try to visit the funeral home or sign the guest book. You can also leave your name and a message on the online guest book.

I have taken great joy in the many ways people have shared what my husband meant to them. I am gaining strength from those who have reached out to me personally. It brings comfort to see so much love being given and to know that people care. If the service is live-streamed please view it and drop a comment to show your support. Right now my husband's service has been the most popular for the past week and I am thankful people are taking the time to watch it.

I’ve had a number of women just ask how I’m doing or what has me up so early in the morning when they see me online or respond to a message. Yes, I do I appreciate every bit of support because no one owes me anything. I was told that one man borrowed money to get me a card and put $5.00 in it and this made me cry. Several widows have reached out to share their experiences and I am gleaning from them.

Let the widow set the pace

If you see the grieving wife is crying reach out to give her a hug. If she is trying to hold it together please don’t say or do anything that will make her break down. Allow her to ask for assistance and don’t volunteer support groups and other services. Having said that, if you see noticeable signs of depression or that the woman is neglecting herself or talking about suicide then an intervention may be necessary. Some women may desire to remove every remembrance of their spouse from the home, while others may want to keep everything as it is. This is a personal choice and there is no right or wrong or one size fits all.

Don't smother her

It’s important not to bombard a grieving widow with questions about the future. She needs time to process her new normal and figure life out on a day to day basis. Please don’t go overboard suggesting grief counseling, Zoom meetings or church functions you believe she might be interested. Don’t insist that she turn to methods that have worked for you and don’t smother her with phone calls and or visits. Allow her some time to maneuver through this different phase of her life. Don’t use words like , “ You must, “you need to” or “you have to.” Suggest but don’t push.

Follow through on promises

If you are able to give financial support then by all means do so. Please don’t ask for Cash App or PayPal information and never follow through. Don’t ask for her address and never send anything. A grieving widow does not need the additional pain of knowing that in such a time people cannot be counted on to keep their word. Whatever you can do, please just do it. I have experienced several individuals who made promises that they did not keep and I wish they had never said a word.

Be supportive but do not dictate

Please do not tell the grieving widow that she should or should not marry again. If the grief is fresh and the marriage was a good one, she is absolutely not thinking about a future romance. Should she say she does not desire to marry again don’t insist that she should or that she will. Some wives put so much into a long-term marriage that they have no desire for another and they will be OK. I was with my husband from age 17 until last week and cannot even imagine being intimate with another man.

I know women and men who remarried within months or the first year and that is their right to do so. Do not tell a grieving widow that she will absolutely need someone to share her bed and that she will marry again because you cannot guarantee this. Don’t insist that she jump back into the swing of things and date because she may not be ready now or later. Respect whatever a surviving spouse decides to do whether they marry again or remain single because this is a personal choice. It's not for anyone to tell someone else they moved too quickly or too slowly.

Don't tell her what to expect

By all means, share how you dealt with grieving a husband or wife but do not tell the new widow that she will respond just as you did. Everyone grieves differently so please do not insist that she will do it your way. An older widow who had been married 57 years told me that she still gets lonely and I appreciated that honesty. She did not tell me I would be in her shoes years later but only let me know a possibility that I can reflect upon. Don’t tell a widow that she will desire another spouse or will get over it at a certain point. This may be your personal experience but not everyone will feel the same.

Wisdom

Sometimes common sense can be the best source of wisdom. If you were already in the life of the deceased and the wife he left behind, then your reaching out might be better received. You may be able to ask if meals are being eaten, medication is taken regularly, and if the woman is sleeping well. If you were not that close prior to death then a new friendship may form but just remember to take it easy. Don’t push but gently let it be known that you can be counted on. Many times all the goodwill disappears after the first week that follows the funeral. The majority of phone calls and visits will stop. Time will tell whether or not you are a person of your word, a ship passing in the night, or talking loud and saying nothing.