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Postpartum Depression

My current struggle with postpartum depression

By Nita Published 4 years ago 4 min read
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Image by Molly McIntyre at The Postpartum Stress Center

Before I had my beautiful son on December 23, 2019. I was carefree and had my independence, I dated and I enjoyed my free nights of course with friends. Before I found out I was pregnant with my son in April 2019; on February 15, 2019 I found out that my best friend was murdered by her child's father. This happen a few days before my birthday (February 19) and on my brothers birthday (February 15).

This happening felt to me like ironic, I and my best friend were planning for my birthday and we was getting back to our normal routine. When things were great, I wouldn't never imagine something could happen to me that close to home. I didn't know how to take it and I still don't.

When I had my family and friends to help me get through this storm of her death. I was also with a guy that I thought was a true come true and he was there for me throughout the whole ordeal. When my family decided to take a family trip to celebrate my mothers, cousin and sister birthday (April 6, 19 & 22) to Ohio- it was just the thing I needed.

Once we came back from our trip, which my boyfriend attended as well. I felt odd and not myself- I took a pregnancy test I found out I was pregnant. I do pray and I kept asking god and Ganesha for guidance and to give me a purpose to still live. They gave me a baby, I was very excited.

Then to find out my boyfriend was sexting some girl most of the time we were together- while I was 6 months along. That put me more down and looked at myself hard in the mirror and I didn't love the person that looked back at me. I didn't know who that person was and I just wished I didn't have this baby with my partner.

There is a reason for everything and I just prayed and just tried to stay focus. During my whole pregnancy I worked a labor job, pushing people on stretchers and wheelchairs. I suddenly had Preeclampsia toward the end and had to have a C-section at 36 weeks. My son came out to be 6lbs and 70z. He was healthy and I never knew what true love felt like and I knew this was what I needed.

After I had my son, I had to stay in the hospital, in the bed for a week. My liver was enlarged and I couldn't eat. I wanted to have my son normally and we never planned to have a C-section. My partner was by my side every day and I can say I did appreciate him for staying.

Since then, you do look differently at yourself after you have a baby. And you look at how you are a good mom or bad- if you try to do everything in your house hold. I'm 26 years old and having my family move to another state and not having them near for support does contribute to my overall depression.

I currently have postpartum depression and I'm trying to maintain it on my own because my state insurance doesn't cover mental health. I felt like I had to vent and just share my stories and maybe other women are going through the similar situation or are dealing with postpartum depression as well.

Currently I'm back in school to obtain my associates degree in business management- and to hopefully one day manage a medical facility. (I adore and enjoy helping people) But things at home is stressful with my partner, men do indeed mature a lot slower than woman and I don't play around with anything if it pertains my son. So at the moment I'm trying to make decisions carefully because I know that it will affect son and I want him to have a wholesome- something me and my siblings never had growing up. With a father in their life in a true family setting and I don't want my son to feel like he missed out on that at all.

I'm currently in a tight situation and I feel alone and stuck in this state alone.

I feel alone, I feel like I'm a bad mom because I'm always tired but I try my best to play and be more active with my son. Most times if he's not in daycare I let him watch t.v. and play with his toys and I feel like a bad mom. I have to do so much of remembering and dealing with house. At times I do not have time to play with my son. And to get him to those milestones he needs to meet. I have mood swings and I catch myself more anger and sad and I have crying spells that happens out of no where and it makes me feel like I don't want to be on this earth. This makes me feel like I'm a crazy person that can't hold their stuff together. But I'll just have to take it a day at a time and see where it goes.

single
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About the Creator

Nita

Blog - Mini Stories - Art

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