Post Partum Depression

Post Partum Depression: something you hear about, but nobody seems to want to talk about. Everyone feels differently about this, but this is coming from my personal experience.

I went through my entire pregnancy with people shoving their opinions and experiences down my throat.

"You'll feel this way when you have the baby."

"You'll miss this part of your pregnancy."

"You don't know what you're feeling, it is your first pregnancy."

"You'll feel differently after you have her."

If you are a person who is doing this, please just stop. This was the most degrading and irritating part of being pregnant.

Everyone telling me how they felt and how they think I should be feeling.

Guess what, not one person has the same feelings. We all have our own minds, our own bodies, our own limits. And there is no one who knows those limits better than ourselves. This just made me completely resentful to even talk about my pregnancy to other people. Immediate family being the absolute worst about it.

That is why I wanted to write this article. I feel like these are the things that I think people should be aware of while being pregnant and when you have your baby. First child or not. And before you start reading, these are only my opinions on the matter, my feelings of what I went through, and the experiences I had. Which means, it might not be how you feel or felt, and that is perfectly okay.

*The Depression Can Start Before You Have Your Baby

This is one of the biggest things I can think of.

I don't think that anyone understood how hard my pregnancy was on me mentally. I will admit, because I didn't want to discuss it with anyone. There would be more opinions shoved down my throat that I frankly didn't want to hear. I was gaining weight, feeling exhausted, and feeling useless as can be. Unfortunately, I have suffered from depression and anxiety long before I was pregnant. Actually, since I was about 12 years old. Childhood trauma and abuse really hurt me mentally and it never went away. Medications never worked correctly, so I found my own ways to cope. (Animals being my number one way of getting rid of all of my bad thoughts and getting the focus off of them.)

Although, to my surprise, being pregnant brought this depression to a whole new level for me. The fluctuation of hormones really triggered it a ton. Through the final months of my pregnancy I was just overall resentful of being pregnant and having this baby. The nights of screaming and crying and telling my fiance I didn't want this and I didn't want to have this baby, made me realise how serious this could get. I was just adament that this was a mistake and I shouldn't have done it. Followed by many days of apologizing, because I knew it hurt him just as much to hear those words coming out of my mouth.

My mind and body had been pushed to their limits, and I really snapped the last couple of months before delivery. The hardest part of delivery was gaining all of the extra weight, that took a huge stab at me mentally. I just couldn't get over how fat I was getting. Yes, I know. Everyone would tell me, you're pregnant. It's no big deal. That's not how my brain operates, my brain is thinking, oh you're fat and worthless. You look horrible, how can you let yourself look like this. That extra 30lbs just killed me. After being judged and ridiculed since my early teens on my weight, that affected me greatly. I was always told how fat I was. Even in my most recent relationship before I was with my fiance, I was told how fat and ugly I was almost every day for 3 years. And as much as I hate to admit it, not a compliment in the world could change that thought it my head. It was there through the entire pregnancy, and still affects me almost a month and a half later. The other irritating thing for me was the opinions of everyone around me about how I was doing things. I was told by my doctor, don't change your life just because you are pregnant. Keepd doing what you're doing, until it is time to settle down when you are getting closer. Hearing about how I shouldn't be doing this, and shouldn't be doing that was the most irritating thing in the world. Don't lift this, don't lift that. I know my body, I know my limits. So keep your opinions to yourself, and let me do me. If it was a big deal, my doctor wouldn't tell me how perfect everything looked every single appointment I went to. All of this put together, on top of hurting all the time and things getting harder, my pregnancy was less than pleseant. Probably one of the most miserable things I have ever been through. As dramatic as it sounds, I abosolutely mean that. Pregnancy was not this glowing, wonderful time in my life that everyone was trying to tell me it would be.

EVERYONE, and I mean EVERYONE is going to tell you how to feel

I cannot express this enough, it will happen at some point! I had every single family member, my side and his, telling me how I should be feeling or how I will feel. I seriously just wanted to tell everyone to shut up and leave me alone at almost every family gathering we went to. It was so irritating. I honestly did not want to go to a single one after this nonsesnse started. As they say, let sleeping dogs lie. So I just went about my business, and let it go in one ear and out the other. I could care less how any one else felt with their pregnancy, that was theirs and this is mine. We all have different minds and different limits. Nobody is going to feel the exact same way. Take it with a grain of salt if they don't want to listen to you. I eventually quit giving my honest opinion, because nobody ever wanted it. They wanted me to give in to what they were telling me, because that was how they felt. Which is fine, but not what I needed. I needed people to let me express how I was feeling and leave it at that. The unwanted opinions did not help me at all.

"The Warm Fuzzy Feeling"

I think this was the biggest thing for me that I got so tired of hearing from everyone. I was told by so many people, oh when you have her it'll be different. As soon as you look at her, you'll have that instant bond and love for her. Now, me being me, I know how my brain is. I already expected to have Post Partum Depression with my past, therefore, I knew that I wouldn't have this feeling. I had a gut feeling I just wouldn't be that lovey, mooshy type of person. But of course, NOBODY and I mean NOBODY would listen to me. Apparently nobody thought that I knew my own brain better than them, but low and behold. I was correct. Unfortunately, it was a horrible feeling. The moment I saw my baby I had absolutely no feelings. No feelings of love and attachment. No feelings of anything. I was just there at that moment. And nobody tells you how absolutely heartbreaking that feeling is going to be. That was the hardest part for me. Everyone telling me that these feelings will come, and nothing. Even though I expected the reaction I had, it was still a hard pill to swallow. I felt horrible, this was my baby and I have no feelings towards her. What did I do wrong as a mom? Am I a terrible person for feeling like this? This feeling in the first 24 hours of having a baby was not a great way to start it.

That is the reason I picked the quote you see for this article. That quote explains 100% how I felt and feel. The absolute horrible feeling I felt, the guilt that set in. The guilt is incredibly real. There are so many people out there, hoping and trying so hard to be moms, to have a family, and they can't. Years trying, some trying treatments, so can't afford treatments. The guilt of not feeling happy and over the moon about it is absolutely unbearable. It almost makes me sick to my stomach.

I addressed my doctor about it, and he said it was completely okay. He told me that nobody knows me better than me. It is okay to have these feelings. It is okay to reach out for help. And I did when I realised this feeling wasn't getting any better (2 weeks into being a mom). So that is my biggest piece of advise, if you are having these feelings, reach out to your OBGYN. They can help. I want to make it perfectly clear, no I have no issues taking care of my baby. We bond, we cuddle, I take care of her day and night. But there is still not attachment there. And I have learned to accept it. No it doesn't make me a bad mom. No it doesn't make me anything less. It just hasn't came to me yet, and that is okay. It will come to me when it comes to me. Don't ever let any one else tell you different either. Talk to your doctor who has seen it a million times, they can give you the professional help that you need. Nobody else needs to be weighing in on it, they are not a doctor and have no idea how to really help you like they think they can. Do what is best for you. You are the one that has to deal with it, and you should get what you feel is right for you.

Depression Can Make Every Day Things Difficult

The one thing you might not think about it how it will affect your daily life. Being a new mom is already hard. You're taking care of a small human being that can't talk, can't tell you what's wrong, and their only communication it crying. And let me tell you, it can get overwhelming real quick. Depression can take hold and make even the simplest things hard. I cannot tell you how many times I had to take a break from the baby, leave her with her dad, so I could just go outside and cry. I am a person who doesn't cry much at all, but this was so different. I cried, cried, and cried some more. I cried for hours at a time. I cried myself to sleep. I cried myself to sleep almost every single night, the last two months of my pregnancy. The feeling of hopelessness and empitness are just so much more than people can ever realise. I can't tell you things will get better, because I don't know your head like you do. I can only tell you about mine. The only reason I am doing better is the medication they are having me take. It has helped me with the depression. It is not a happy pill, and will never make everything better, but it does what it needs to. I still have days where I struggle. When you've exhausted every option, and your baby is still crying, it is a lot to take. Sometimes you just have to let them cry it out. Leave the room and let your mind get back to normal. Give yourself some time, it doesn't all work as easily as some people say. For some newborn stage is easy and they love it. For me, it is not. It is hard and a lot to handle. Especially with all of my animals and livestock thrown into the mix. It makes it that much more to handle.

Although Post Partum Depression doesn't affect everyone, I think it is very important for everyone to talk about it that has had it. You might help someone through a hard time they're having. If you have issues or are starting to, you are not alone. Pregnancy and having a baby aren't all rainbows and sunshine like most people like to say. For some, it is a very trying time. Although I love my daughter very much, pregnancy and delivery were so hard on me mentally, I don't every plan on having another baby. Pregnancy was too hard on me mentally, and delivery was even worse. I do not wish to feel that empty, helpless feeling after delivery ever again. I am still struggling with my attachment to our daughter every single day. And every single day it doesn't get any easier for me. Every single day is a fight mentally, to understand why I feel the way I feel. I still feel like I am failing our family because of it. Nobody tells you how hard it can be when things don't move as fast as you think they will. Don't give up hope, it'll come to you when the time is right.

And for those of you who are reading this and aren't the ones having babies and are the ones that are around someone that does. Pay attentnion to the way they are feeling. Pay attention to exactly what they are saying. If they are opening up to you and telling you their problems, be the solution. Don't be judgemental. I know I have had so many people act so judgemental about my situation, I don't like discussing it with anyone now. The looks of reject and disapproval are more than I can handle. It hurts to have someone ask for your honest answer of how you are handling things, and then to have that rejection or have it thrown back in your face, hurts so much more than you can even realise. I am to the point, if people ask me how I am doing, I just tell them fine or okay. To me it is not worth giving my honest answer anymore. Why tell people if they don't really care. Why tell people if they are just going to judge me and act like they just can't believe how I am being. The people around me will never know how much they have hurt me through this entire pregnancy with their opinions and lack of respect for mine. So for those of your opinion givers, think about what you are saying. Are you saying for their benefit, or your own? Are you going to be judgemental, or are you going to take what they say to heart and help them through what they are going through?

*The feeling of not being good enough

This is another hard one for me. Throughout my life, this has been a struggle to start with. From family to relationships, I have never felt like I am good enough. I feel hopeless a lot of the time. I feel emberassed for the things I haven't gotten accomplished. I feel emberassed for the things I haven't done with my life. It is so easy to look at someone elses' life and be completely jealous of it. I am guilty of doing it, and get to be very hard on myself. Both during and after pregnany didn't help me at all. From doing chores outside, to doing them inside. Most days I feel worthless. I always focus on what I didn't get done. Didn't make dinner, didn't get the laundry done, didn't get Ty's lunch made, didn't get this done outside. I am almost constantly under my own stress. I always feel like I should have done more, should have gotten this done. Should have gotten that done. It's a hard mental state to break. I am guilty of doing from the beginnign of my pregnancy (probably even before that) to right now. That being said, don't do what I do. I am working on that every day, and it is that hardest habit for me to break. Being a new mom is hard, so whatever you do. Don't be like me. Don't be questioning if you have done enough or if you are good enough. You are. You are doing enough. Being a mom is a lot to handle, and everyone adjusts and takes things differently. Move and adjust at your own pace, and let everyone around you either support that or they can just deal with it. Not everyone can recoop as fast as they want to, and that's okay. Be happy with what you accomplished in a day, not focus on what you didn't.

Take care of you, because you now have someone who needs you to be the best you can possibly be.

I hope writing this article helps that mom who is struggling so hard before, during, or after pregnancy. You're not along and don't be afraid to reach out for help. I have cried a few times just writing this, it is really hard to deal with these emotions. It is really hard to accept this is who I am, and nothing can change that.

Thanks for reading and I hope everyone who reads this takes something from it.