Plants Grow in Darkness Too

It may seem strange to enter into a challenge dedicated to gratitude for #bossmoms when you have such a strained and difficult relationship with your mother, however, though strained, it is that very relationship that has shaped me to be the woman that I am proud to be today. I was raised by a woman who by all accounts most would classify as a "boss mom", she worked hard as a single parent raising four children, while working a full time job in the medical field, buying a home and attaining her second degree. She sent us to the best schools, made sure we attended cultured events , kept the utilities on and the fridge stocked. But behind the scenes she was struggling with keeping up the appearance of being a strong black woman, which afforded her little to no opportunity to take a breathe and acknowledge that she was overwhelmed, lonely and depressed. As a mother now myself, I could only imagine raising 4 children without reaching out for a support system because the need to be strong took precedence over the very real need to be human. As her children, we bore the brunt of that outlet for her to release all of her pent up emotions in sometimes very traumatizing ways. Yet in still, I am grateful to her for what I have learned in being her daughter.

The biggest lesson that my mother taught me is grace. In her hardness on herself and inevitably on us to present in such a perfect way, I learned to have grace for myself and others. Grace to allow myself to be human, to cry, hurt and share the load when it gets too heavy. That I too have that privilege as a black woman to be soft and vulnerable. That i don't need to "Wait to Exhale", but that I can live in a constant flow of breathing easy as my beautifully flawed human self. Being self aware of my own vulnerability and human flaws, I can look at my mother and others with eyes of compassion instead of judgement. I can see that she did the best that she knew at the time.

I have also learned from my mother the importance of rest and self care. While it is great to have others look at you and praise all that you have done, especially on your own, the joy from that is brief compared to long term effects of physical, mental and spiritual burnout. While I still fight that "hustle" mentality and ever present need to be doing something, I have also mastered the balance of listening to my body and taking time out to rest while also nurturing my body, spirit and creativity. Those all important moments of checking in with myself, extending grace again to be human and to rest.

Most importantly, I learned from my mother how to mother. That may sound strange, but as I said earlier, my mother did the best she could with what she knew. She knew old school mothering, we were fed, clothed, sheltered and education was important. However, in seeing her hurt and struggle with her own emotions, I learned how important emotional maturity was as well. That none of the rest mattered if you did not provide a wealth of stable and unconditional love to your children. And in order to do that I would need to first mother myself, filling what was once a void with unconditional self love, so that I would have a ready bank to pour from. And then learning how to replenish that bank when I felt depleted, which is where the village comes in (because "it takes a village to raise a child").

The journey has been long and truth be told, it is still ongoing, but I am so very thankful for these lessons I have learned from my mother, that I now get to teach to my children. That I am now strong in all senses of the word, a true Boss Mom, thanks to my Boss Mom. That in the darkness of my youth, such light has grown. And I hope that each of you who read this, have taken light from it as well.