Permission to Feel: Thriving with Sensory Processing Sensitivity

On October 20, 2020, I received an email that would change the trajectory of my life.

I wasted no time preparing my application responses for the Mama Master Plan Program. Here’s an excerpt from my application questions:

What hurdles, questions, or struggles are you running into in your life right now? Tell me everything. :)

The main hurdle that I have been navigating can be summed up in one word: BOUNDARIES. Specifically, identifying and establishing mental and emotional boundaries. Right now, I feel like my empathy lacks boundaries, and I often allow his internal conflicts to impact my peace of mind. I've had a lifelong struggle separating my emotions from those of others, and the lack of boundaries have repeatedly landed me in toxic situations.

I'd like to believe I've gotten better about setting boundaries since becoming a mother, but in truth, I think I've isolated myself in order to minimize the possibility of being influenced by undesirables. What I'd like to gain from this experience is the ability to define + maintain firm boundaries around my mental/emotional wellness while maintaining a sense of compassion for others.

1 year from today, ideally, what would you have liked to have accomplished in your life and balance as a mama with bigger aspirations for yourself?

My personal measurement of success is everyday actions being in alignment with my values + desires. Nothing can replace the joy of a satisfied mind + mental well-being, and I know clarifying my needs + desires will be an instrumental aspect of establishing the inner peace I seek most. That said, while I indeed have many material goals for this time next year, the one I'd like to express is an intangible; it's the profound sense of satisfaction derived from normalizing showing up for myself every-damn-day in the life-long pursuit of my Mama Master Plan.

Why are you interested in learning more and possibly joining the Mama Master Plan Program? What drew you to apply?

What drew me to apply is my desire for community and accountability. As much as I used to be a lone wolf before I became a mother, I am realizing now just how critical community is because motherhood can be such a lonely path. At times, it can feel alienating, and like I'm living in an echo chamber of my own hostile mind. Community is more important to me than it's ever been, and what I would look forward to most.

Additionally, as I mentioned previously, I like proven systems + frameworks. I've encountered + tried dozens of personal development programs that never quite resonate because they don't factor my identity as a mother. The fact that you designed your framework specifically FOR mothers seeking clarity in their life visions based on your own life experience (as a mother) is what makes it a no-brainer.

Sensory Processing Sensitivity

I as graciously accepted into the program, and it was through doing the deep work that I was able to confirm that I live with sensory processing sensitivity.

Before I started doing this work I was afraid of being around people. Afraid of writing online and sharing my opinions with the world. Afraid of disappointing others. Afraid of failure because it felt too painful. Afraid of watching other people suffer because it felt like it was my own.

This resulted in text book spiritual bypassing, (including exaggerated detachment, emotional numbing and repression, overemphasis on the positive, anger-phobia, blind or overly tolerant compassion, weak or too porous boundaries, lopsided development (cognitive intelligence often being far ahead of emotional and moral intelligence), debilitating judgment about one’s negativity or shadow side, devaluation of the personal relative to the spiritual, and delusions of having arrived at a higher level of being.”

Once I gave myself permission to feel I began to live with more authority over my personal experience, gave myself the freedom to explore the way my mind works. I began living my life with an ease + grace. I learned to come back to myself, and take my time without wasting my time.

I began making peace with knowing that I will spend a lifetime assessing my belief systems + mindsets, and realizing that this is not a bad thing. This gave me a healthy dose of humility, and the recognition that, no matter what material success I attain, it is necessary and healthy to have grace with this iterative process.

The work helped me reach a potential tipping point -- I could allow this experience to be traumatic + joyless or I could choose to explore my 'rooms' with a sense of compassionate curiosity. I chose the latter because wonder always inevitably breeds wisdom.

The Truth About Pain

An ex once told me that I’m a glutton for pain, and I felt like someone was shining a light on my darkest secret. Maybe it’s the Scorpio in me. Or maybe it’s just a human-being thing. Either way, I couldn’t deny the truth to his words.

I began writing this essay with the intention of including hard research and making this an objective article. But after receiving news last night that literally altered the trajectory of my life from this day forward, I knew I needed to scrap my original piece to write from a place of greater vulnerability.

In the span of 24 hours, I’ve experienced both the intoxicating thrill of achievement + the nauseating disappointment of defeat. As ego-wounded as I feel by today’s failure, I can still taste the sweet satisfaction of yesterday’s victory, and it makes for the best kind of cocktail.

During the dark hours I felt my sick heart expand + beat more furiously, and I no longer made any distinction between pleasure + pain, but one was similar to the other; both hurt + both were precious. Whether my inner life went well or badly, my discovered strength stood peacefully outside looking on and knew that light + dark were closely related and that sorrow + peace were rhythm, part and spirit of the same great music.―HERMANN HESSE

At a time in history where we’ve dulled our senses to the point of numbness, deep down, we all enjoy pain. Because – as hard as it is to suffer through – it is impossible not to feel. And feeling, feels good. Feeling reminds us that we’re alive.

That’s not to say we’re a bunch of masochists; we crave both pain + pleasure, in equal measure. The trouble kicks in when we lack the skill-sets to process + move through the difficult emotion it conjures. Pain can only be transmuted to pleasure through self-expression. But for the most part, we keep ourselves in cycles of self-suppression.

We can choose to feel good, or you can choose to suffer. The fact remains, pain is unavoidable. And even when it feels unbearable, it helps to remember:

There is a certain pleasure in weeping. ― OVID

If you are a mother interested in learning more about the program, feel free to email me at [email protected]. This is not an affiliate post, and I was not asked to write a review. I found this program truly life-changing, and would love to share the wealth for anyone seeking more information.