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Peaceful Sleep

How we got our child to sleep in her bed (Finally!)

By Jeff BonanoPublished 2 years ago 12 min read
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Peaceful Sleep
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Please tell me if this rings any bells for you. It's been a long day, and you are finally winding down for the evening. Dinner may or may not have been received well by your kid, and now it's time to get them ready for bed.

At this point, this is when your anxiety starts to rise. It's not because you fear you won't fall asleep tonight; you are probably so tired that you will pass out the minute your head hits the pillow. Instead, it's because you know there will be an extra person in your bed or near it tonight. Just like all the nights before, you know this will mean your attempts at getting your child to sleep in her bed will once again be futile.

By midnight, you feel someone slowly crawl into the bed, finding a way to wedge herself between you and your spouse.

And if you are anything like me, you make it a point not to leave much space, hoping it will be so uncomfortable for them that they will want to sleep in their bed.

Maybe you try moving a tiny toddler mattress to the foot of the bed so they won't be in yours anymore. While it still means you don't get your room, at least you do get enough space in your bed. Right?

Don't worry; if this is you to at least some degree, you aren't the only one.

For us, it started with us making the mistake of having our daughter sleep with us at an early age. We were both so paranoid when she was an infant that we had a bassinet with us as we slept. We ignored the experts who said don't do that and gave into the fact that she was a sound sleeper so long as she was with us when we slept.

She just slept between us as she got older and could no longer fit in a bassinet. All the while, her crib was more of an ornament in her bedroom.

Eventually, I converted it into a toddler bed, yet that meant again it was there just for show. The bed stayed nicely made, and the sheets never needed to be washed because my daughter never used them.

However, we tried to get her to sleep in her bed. Each attempt led to hours of tears, constant climbing in our bed, or finding that she would make a bed on the floor with a pillow and blanket. When this happened, it made us feel like total jerks too! I mean, what kind of parents were we? How dare we make our kid sleep on the floor knowing there was an excellent bed in the other room, literally with her name on it!

Finally, when we moved into our new home, we splurged and bought her a bed that looked like a house. We let her pick it out, and despite the cost (which wasn't cheap), we hoped it would mean she would finally be excited enough to sleep in her new bed.

We waited in anticipation as the delivery team finally arrived and built that giant beast of a bed. We made the whole event fun and celebrated as we helped her make her bed for the first time. It looked amazing, and she was excited to sleep in it for the first time!

Come bedtime, we pulled back the covers, read a story to her, turned down the lights, and eventually, she drifted off to sleep after about an hour.

Success! My wife and I did a quiet happy dance in our room and decided to do what any parent would do once they were finally alone without their kid…we slept!

By Shane on Unsplash

Until 10:30 pm, that is. It didn't take long before I got a nudge from my daughter as she climbed the foot of our bed and wedged her way between the two of us. I didn't know if I was angry or just frustrated, but the choice words I had blurted out in between my puffs of air from my CPAP did not earn me any "Dad of the Year" awards. The night was rough on us, even after setting up the small mattress at the foot of our bed.

We continued to look for solutions to help us get our daughter comfortable with using her bed. This issue was going on way too long, and she was now six years old, soon to be seven!

We tried everything we could imagine. I installed some cool LED lights in the house bed, we got her fun nightlights, and we tried sound machines and salt lamps. We even hung a night catcher above her head in a desperate attempt to find a solution.

Many nights, we thought it would be the key if we were just firm with her and let her cry it out as we locked our door. We tried to be tough and insist that she was a big girl now and big girls don't sleep in their parent's bedroom. It ended with her kicking and pounding on our door until we couldn't take it anymore. We were at wit's end, short of duct-taping her to her mattress.

By Afif Kusuma on Unsplash

My wife and I took our gloves off and even started pointing fingers at each other, wishing the other hadn't insisted that we start bad habits by letting our daughter sleep in our bed from the beginning. We eventually agreed that we had built this habit together out of our fears and owned up to it. It still didn't change the fact that we didn't want to wait this out until our daughter was a teenager.

The number of books we read also didn't help us, and each suggestion and each tactic shared within all those pages written by experts didn't do a darned thing for us. So what did?

One day, I was reading a blog that I had been following for some time, and as I was about to close it because I felt it was just another useless expert advice column, my eye caught one sentence I couldn't stop reading.

"Your child is scared."

It was that sentence that gave me the aha moment.

My daughter was a firecracker; she was a tough cookie, and she could land a punch better than most grown men, in my opinion. So it never occurred to me that she was scared of anything. She wasn't afraid of the dark, nor was she afraid that someone would break into the house and kidnap her. She was frightened of being alone and waking up to see that we had left her.

This level of understanding was what we needed; this epiphany was our Rosetta stone. But what was it that would solve this situation?

After a little more research, my wife and I developed a plan. We decided to try an approach that hopefully would make for a great solution. With a deep breath, we approached bedtime differently with this strategy. If you are interested in possibly trying this out, then, by all means, let's dive into what we did that ended up being successful for us.

By Susan Q Yin on Unsplash

We first ensured that we maintained a bedtime routine leading up to bedtime, and this approach helped ensure that we kept it consistent with the future in mind. We knew we would be asking our daughter to start showering more as she got older, so we began to make for a fun period where she could shower and continue with a routine that she enjoyed. This step was important because it helped set a tone and a level of consistency that would make this process easier to feel comfortable. Additionally, all TV and screens would be turned off at least 1 hr before bedtime; this included us.

Next, we addressed her concerns about what she was afraid of. We talked to her about it like an adult and assured her we would be there for her. We also explained the importance of having her sleep in her bed, especially as she got older. It was a regular conversation we would find we needed to discuss several times over the next several weeks, at least briefly. This conversation included us listening to her concerns. Even if we thought they might be silly, we still listened and took her concerns seriously. Our goal was to help ensure the trust that she needed.

We also discussed some expectations together. These expectations also laid out the steps to our success, and those steps were as follows:

1. My wife and I agreed that we would make sure one or both of us would make ourselves available to tuck her in and have a short conversation with her as she began to relax in bed. During this time:

  • There would be a "last call" for using the restroom. If our daughter had to go after we tuck her in, she would be expected to do it quietly and would not get to have us tuck her in again.
  • We would have lights turned off, and she needed to lie down and get comfy.
  • Reading would be with an actual book, nothing digital, including a kindle or other e-reader with a screen.

2. We explained to our daughter that once we tuck her in, the last parent would stay for a set amount of time or until she started to fall asleep, whichever comes first, but we made a promise that we would keep coming back every 10 minutes. During this time:

  • We expected her to stay in bed. If she didn't, we would quietly walk her back and start the time over again.
  • We would check in on her when we returned but not stay.
  • We would consistently do this as often as needed until she fell asleep.

These steps were not easy to follow, but we needed to stick to our guns here. The key here is that we were trying to build that trust and assurance that we would be around and that it's ok to go to sleep.

Like all the other ideas we tried, the first few weeks were rough, and we almost gave up. This fiasco would last an hour and a half, and we still woke up by a silent night ninja trying to climb into our bed. We would still wake up a few mornings to find she had made a bed on the floor at our feet.

Eventually, though, something remarkable happened after about three weeks of our calm demeanor, helping her back to her bed and repeating the process without fail. One morning we woke up to find our little girl still sleeping in her bed!

By Jason Leung on Unsplash

Of course, we made this a big deal and celebrated with her the minute she woke up and came out of her room. We let her know that her achievement signified that she did a "big girl thing," and she was proud of herself for doing such.

Over the next few weeks, we still had our ups and downs, and some nights were still exhausting for all of us. Over time though, we started seeing improvements and getting more restful sleep.

So if you have been looking for a new approach to help get your kiddo to sleep in their bed, I encourage you to try this. And in summary, keep a few things in mind:

  1. Keep things consistent: You need to follow the same routine regularly. Your little one will test this and ask for exceptions such as a bad dream or an "I just can't sleep" with some hard-core alligator tears. Don't give in because you got this!
  2. Don't raise your voice: This is hard when you've had zero sleep, but you must remember to stay calm. Putting fear into your child's eyes might work briefly, but it will have other adverse effects and may only be a temporary solution. Remember that you are trying to build trust AND teach them that sleepytime is a time to rest and relax. How can they do that when you are yelling at them?
  3. Talk to them like an adult: Be respectful when you talk, keep a low tone, and treat this as a grown-up conversation. We want them to step up and see this as something that big kids do and that this is a big deal. We also don't use name calling like, "don't be a baby" or, "you're acting like a spoiled brat." I mean, civil adults don't do that to each other, right?...right?
  4. Set expectations: You need to set expectations with your child and stick to them. And because we are talking to them like they are adults, we should also ask them for any expectations. Is there something you can do within reason that will help them? Let both sides negotiate expectations and commit to them. You will have the final say, but this might help with the buy-in process and help get a commitment out of your child.
  5. Celebrate: Find those small wins and celebrate with them. Concentrate on what your child does well and do it when you can. Positive behavior reinforcement will go a long way instead of pointing out what they did wrong.
  6. Don't give up: This is probably the hardest thing. Some kids will take longer than others, and you will be at your wit's end. Remember this: "The more effort and support you put in now, the more rewarding it will be later."

Following these suggestions and the process I described earlier should provide a new alternative to getting your kid to sleep in their bed and allow you to have your bedroom back again.

Remember to be supportive during this time, and don't be afraid to ask questions when speaking to your kiddo. If other things might be causing anxiety or fear, you may have to address them, but it won't happen if you don't have a conversation with them and ask.

Now get out there, get them to bed, and good luck! In time, you'll be getting more sleep, and so will your child. If this works for you or you have some additional tips, please share them in the comments below!

Good night and get some rest!

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About the Creator

Jeff Bonano

An audiobook narrator now writer! I have all these ideas in my head, now it's time to share them. As a way to say thank you to those who subscribe and pledge, If you give me permission, I'll find a way to add your name to any of my stories!

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