Parenting Techniques

As a mother, you have discovered parenting is not an exact science. No two children are alike. I am the birth mother of seven children, five sons, and a set of twin daughters. Each of them is unique. The twins are as different as night and day. Likewise, your children are diverse in temperament, interests, abilities, preferences, and responses to rules and discipline.

You are going to make mistakes. I know I have and should have done some things differently. I apologize to my children regularly for my shortcomings. That is why I feel an urgency to share my knowledge with you. Maybe what I have learned from experience and what was passed on to me by wiser women may help you.

Please understand a mother’s importance in the life of her children. The relationship between a mother and her children shapes them emotionally, psychologically, and sociologically. I am in no way discounting the importance of a father's presence in the life of his children. That topic is a different and much-needed discussion as well.`

Sidebar. Speaking of fathers, if you are not together, please do not weaponize your children against him. Work out your differences with their father between you and him. As long as he is not an abuser or endangering the children in any way, it is his right to be in their lives and their privilege to have him. Denying visitation and speaking against him will have lasting effects on the children. In the long run, they will resent and blame you for their damaged childhood. As they get older, they will see the truth of the situation. So be patient and play nice!

Your children must know they are wanted and loved by you. They would rather live in a car with you then to stay in a mansion with anyone else. Children are not concerned at a young age with what is best for them. They want to be with their mother. I am not passing judgment on any woman who had to make a hard choice concerning the well-being of her children. I am sharing a word of wisdom with those who may be currently facing a difficult decision.

You are their example. Children come into the world as a blank slate with genetic propensities. Mothers shape the lives of their children. We teach them everything they know regarding social norms and human interactions. They model our behavior. For example, they will communicate the way you do. If your speech is full of profanity, your children will learn that vocabulary and use it. If you express your anger through violence, chances are they will also.

When children see your acts of kindness, respect, and love, they reflect the same behavior when interacting with others. Teachers will agree with me when I say; you can tell what is going on in children’s homes by the way they respond and interact with their classmates. Children follow what we do, more than what we say.

Mothers of daughters, your little girl will be a woman one day. What are you teaching her in terms of appropriate behavior toward men? Based on your example, will she emulate promiscuity or virtue? Will she value her body or use it as a tool to manipulate men to get what she wants? Will she know there is no designer handbag, pair of shoes, amount of money, or a material object that is worth giving up her greatest treasure – her body and her dignity?

You also have a responsibility to teach your sons how to love and treat women. What they see in your life will determine how they interpret the male/female dynamic. If there is no man in the home to model the role of husband and father, you will be the one to teach them to honor and respect women. They will treat women based upon their perception of you.

Research shows a strong correlation between serial killers and their relationship with their mothers. I know that statement is a little dark, but I want to stress the importance of the mother’s role in raising her sons. It goes beyond finding a male teacher, family member, or associate to mentor your sons. They may be helpful, but you’re essential in their development into manhood. Men who hate their mothers hurt women.

Proper nutrition is essential. I understand how hectic life can get, especially when you have small children or many of them. Money may be tight, or you are just too tired to cook. I get it. However, poor nutrition is detrimental to children in the long run. They need a healthy diet to grow and develop properly, both mentally and physically. Brain function, development of teeth and bones, digestive function, and overall health, are determined by what your children eat.

Your children's diet affects how well they perform in school. It is okay to do fast food occasionally, but that should not be the bulk of their meals. Snacks are not a viable alternative to a nutritious meal. Fresh fruits, vegetables, and water instead of sugary drinks should comprise the most substantial portion of what your children eat. You do not want your children to develop poor eating habits when they are young and later have to struggle to eat properly as an adult, as do some of us. If you instill the importance of eating correctly in your children while they are young, you will end up with healthy adults.

The circumstances of your children's birth do not negate the care you are responsible to give them. It no longer matters whether they were born with or without the benefit of marriage, or whether they were planned or unexpected. They are here now and deserve to be given the most love, nurturing, and support that is within your means and ability. This requires personal sacrifice and selflessness. I found the following tips to be useful.

Get organized. One day, as I was digging through a pile of old photos, I ran across a picture of my children when they were very young. At that moment, I had an epiphany and realized, at one point, five of the children were six years old and younger. In addition to the children, I volunteered with a women's group, worked, and attended school full-time.

How did I manage it all? I had a system, without which my life would have been in chaos. Being organized is the key to raising children while maintaining an active lifestyle. Life runs smoother when you have order in your home and maintain a schedule as much as possible. Children need structure.

I recommend having a specific time for them to get up in the morning, to take a nap, and a time to go to bed. When possible, try to schedule the essential components of their day. It is healthy for you to allow your children to assist with age-appropriate chores. Their help will lighten your workload and enable you to designate time for yourself during the day.

Incorporating the children in your housekeeping, if no more than picking up their toys or removing their plates from the table, will prepare them for the responsibility of taking care of themselves. When they get older, they can help with the laundry, dusting, and more substantial cleaning. It also makes them less likely to make a mess and walk away from it if they know they will have to clean it up themselves.

We are not going to be with our children their entire lives, so it is incumbent upon us to prepare them to be responsible, law-abiding, and productive citizens. The structure in the home and the rules of the family will be their first introduction to society. Teaching your children to share in the family responsibilities, work well with others, and follow directions is an act of love. You are not being mean for reinforcing your rules.

Establish your authority. Being organized and structured means nothing if your children are disobedient and out of control. It is crucial to establish your place as the authority in your children’s lives as early in their development as possible. Children's first lesson in respecting authority should be taught in the home. If you do not teach your children to respect authority, you will spend precious time repeating yourself and possibly, literally, fighting with them as they get older.

I get concerned when I hear parents say their young child is their best friend. Being your friend puts your children on equal footing with you and takes away your power in the relationship. Relating to your children as a friend rather than a parent implies to them that they have the right to relate to you on an adult level. If children do not receive adequate training when they are young, the results are tantrums, talking back, and other challenging behavior. This lack of training could cause you tremendous embarrassment in public when they are small and disrespect from them when they are older.

Obedience is a crucial factor because it could mean a matter of life and death for your children. If they are accustomed to ignoring you when you call them or disobeying your instructions, they could end up in the hands of the wrong person. Something as simple as disregarding your instruction to stand still or stay close might lead to a devastating situation.

Call me old school; I gladly accept that. I appreciate the discipline of my parents. They taught the importance of honoring authority, respecting others, and obeying the rules (which as adults translates into obeying the law). My parents did not have to tell us to do the same thing twice. They did not have to raise their voices or negotiate with us to get us to behave. We understood who had the authority in our home.

If we stepped out of line, there was a look we received from them. The look said, “Have you lost your mind?” If our parents gave us another glance, it was a non-verbal promise of the upcoming consequences of our disobedience. If we received the second look, we resigned ourselves to the fulfillment of that promise. We were not angels, by any stretch of the imagination. However, we respected the authority of our parents and now appreciate the discipline we received.

How do you raise children to respect your authority? You do not overlook inappropriate behavior. It is not cute. Children will test limits to see how far they can get with you. They know what they’re doing and who to challenge. Throwing objects, hitting, biting, screaming to get what they want, etc., must be addressed immediately. “Wait until we get home,” “Wait until your father gets here,” or counting to ten, will not do it.

Regardless of the age of the children, if they know their behavior will bring immediate consequences, they will conform to your demands. There are times, because of the environment you are in, that you should appease a screaming child. An airplane flight, restaurant, wedding, and the like, is not the time to have a battle of wills with your child. Do not subject other people to that disturbance.

Each child responds differently to discipline. Depending on their personality, determine what is appropriate to change the behavior. Some children only need a look from you, and others require verbal correction. I would like to emphasize you should avoid verbal abuse, name-calling, and speaking derogatory words to your children at all costs.

There is always the one in the bunch who may need a little more discipline. If you believe in spanking, it is best not to do so when you are angry. Some children respond well if you take away their toys or deny a scheduled treat or playtime. Discover what punishment has the most impact on your children and use it as leverage.

When you reprimand your children, you MUST be consistent, use a stern tone and be unwavering. It is important to look them in the eye when talking to your children. Staring into the eyes of a rebellious toddler can be daunting. But you have to do it. Laughing and smiling while disciplining the children will weaken your position with them in the future. If you master this, in time, you will merely need to walk in the room or call their name, and they will straighten up.

IMPORTANT: If you say you are going to give a punishment – DO IT! I understand it may inconvenience you, but it will make your children better adults if you address their issues when they are young. They are not going to respond to discipline when they become older if it is not introduced to them when they are very young. Establishing yourself as the authority in your home will make your life run smoother. Even when they become adults, they will honor your position as the authority in their life.

My children returned to school after being homeschooled for seven years. I told them I would not be free to do what was necessary to provide what they needed and wanted if I had to frequently stop what I was doing to come to school for bad behavior. I made it clear I did not expect to be summoned by their teachers unless it was to attend an awards program. For the most part, it worked out quite well. However, there is always one in the bunch who will test limits.

Your children will never be perfect. They may disappoint you and break your heart along the way. However, teaching them respect for authority will create opportunities and open doors for them in the outside world. Disciplining your children is not being harsh or cruel. It’s an act of love, for which they will appreciate you when they become adults.

Balance discipline with affection. You do not want to be the parent who only communicates with her children if they have done something wrong. Your little ones need to receive love and affection from you consistently, as well as discipline. This rule is especially true as they get older. Random hugs and kisses, words of encouragement and affirmation, or an unexpected treat, are guaranteed to bring positive results. A few minutes alone with just the two of you is vital for children of all ages.

I come from a large blended family. In addition to the older sets of children, I grew up in a house with four siblings. One of which was my twin brother, Steve. We became accustomed to being addressed as one unit, “Stephanie and Steve.” It sounded like one name instead of two when someone called us. We were “the twins” as opposed to distinct persons. From that situation, I learned, each of your children needs to have alone time with you. This time will help them to feel visible in the family unit and recognized as unique individuals.

It will give them a sense of value and also encourage them to express their individuality. When my twin girls were young, I dressed them differently based on their personalities. They seldom wore identical clothes. If they wore the same style of dress, it would be in a different color. Aside from being fraternal and looking nothing alike, their personalities are dissimilar. They are both very comfortable with who they are because I did not force them to be the same.

It is imperative to develop a strong line of communication with your children. Communication is the most critical factor in the effective training of your children (even throughout their adulthood). If you balance discipline with affection, your children are more likely to confide in you when experiencing difficulties in life. It is not uncommon for teens to choose an adult other than their parents to confer with or from whom to receive mentorship. I welcomed it. If you know an adult is a person of integrity who will inform you if something is going on with your children that you should know, allow your children the right to communicate with that person. It is a safe place for them.

Let them grow and go. There is no greater joy than to see your children become responsible and caring adults. It is not wise to force children to become what you want them to be. If you identify your children’s strengths and support and nurture them in who they are, they will become successful. All children are not college material, but they may be well suited for trade school or specialized training. Let them do that. Do not try to live vicariously through your children by shaping them into your image. Let them live and pursue their passion.

I have heard it said, “Your children’s strengths are what drives you crazy about them.” You must be conscious and intentional not to crush the spirit of your children who may exhibit leadership potential or possess a level of determination that may challenge you. Teach them how to develop their strengths and to use them positively. Allow them room to fail. Teach them that failure is a learning process. It will increase their critical thinking and problem-solving skills.

Your goal is to work yourself out of a job. Our children will always need us, but the relationship should change as they mature and develop. You should not have to continuously rescue them from the results of their poor judgment or irresponsibility once they reach a certain age. At some point, in their young adulthood, you will become their advisor, directing them when they ask for your opinion or help in their decision-making.

At the time of this writing, my children range in age from 28 to 47. They are independent but come to me to seek my guidance on career choices, relationship advice, financial decisions, and business matters. They understand if they don’t heed my opinion, and it costs financially – I am not going to be the one who pays for it.

My sons and daughters are not perfect. They do not always get it right on the first try. However, when they are faltering, they have learned to try to figure it out for themselves. They now make me the last resort when they get in trouble, instead of their first option. I am proud of them for that. It is such a wonderful feeling to know they can figure out their problems without me having to rescue them. In actuality, they are now teaching me better ways of doing things and broadening my view of the world. At some point as parents, we should be able to live our lives without the burden of co-dependent adult children.