Parenting my pure joy

My entire life, I felt like I was just going through the motions. I always told myself that I had time, time to figure it out. I was just going through the motions of life, and I guess that I knew it deep down. I was always searching for my purpose, but never felt like I found it.

Then I found out that I was pregnant. And it was like in a moment I suddenly felt like my life had meaning. In one moment, I felt like I was in the right place at the right time, doing the right thing. If you have never been a parent, it's a feeling like is hard to describe. Suddenly, there is this little person in the world looking for you for answers. Answers that you might not always have. But even if you don't have all the answers, you know that you will find somehow.

I was still this lost person, with no direction on the world. But suddenly it didn't feel like that, suddenly I didn't feel like I was so lost. I suddenly had a purpose. So even if I had to go to a crappy job that I hated, it was a little bit better because I had her.

After being off work for a year, I returned to my crappy job in order to provide for her. For a few years it was okay, I was doing it for her to provide for her. She was my purpose in life.

Then the pandemic hit, and nothing was the same for anyone in the world. I looked at everything differently, I looked at my life differently. My daughter is my whole world, and all I want to do is provide a good life for her. But I also need to set a good example for her. I want her to try to achieve anything and everything that she wants to do. If I don't do the same, if I don't reach for the stars, how can I really expect her to? Yes, she is my purpose. But at the same time, I think it's important for her to see me accomplishing things on my own.

Children will do what you do, not what you say. If you say that you want them to accomplish big things, but you don't try to do that as well. They won't think that it is important. You want your children to be successful, then you need to be successful. What everyone sees as being successful is totally different. It's easy for me to look at people who have more than me, and wish that I had more. I learned that I need to accept that is not my journey. Being jealous of what other people have, is not healthy. You need to focus on your own journey. Just because you will have successful later in life, or a different version of success, doesn't mean that you still shouldn't be proud of that success.

So I really thought about success, and what that means to me. If I was successful, what would that look like? For me, it means having a way to make money, and still being home with my daughter most of the time. I want to live and work, not work to live. I don't want to work, be unhappy, and just long for the weekend. For me, that is success. I am there yet? No, but at least I am working on it now. I am much closer to it now, then I used to be. I don't have to dread waking up in the morning. I can be more present for my daughter. I am able to spend time with her, and just be there. For me, that is success, that is my purpose.

I know other people do great things for the world, and really change it. I hope that I can get there one day, that I can leave my mark on this world. That is why I write. I write hoping it will change even just one person's life. That I can motive someone with my writing, to change their lives somehow. That does bring me a lot of joy. But if the only thing I do is teach that girl to be a great person, then that can be my mark on the world.

- T