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Pansexuality, Polyamory...

...and me!

By Asia, The Colorful WriterPublished 4 years ago Updated 3 years ago 3 min read
2
Pansexuality, Polyamory...
Photo by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash

I remember being so scared to embody and share the person I am, but I also couldn’t figure out why I was so out of harmony.

I feared rejection and shame and being disowned by people I loved.

I feared losing out on opportunities or being told I wasn’t good enough for something.

I realized that I also didn’t know what I was feeling to be confident with whom I am and to stand in my truth. It took so many years for me to know that my limitless attractions, that go against everything I’ve always been conditioned to believe, are NOT atrocious.

Labels are not everything. We are so, so, so much more than our labels. But they can be beneficial. They allow us to put a more specific name to our emotions, which allows us to embody them with more security and love.

Growing up, there was straight, and there was gay. I didn’t resonate with either. When I was a teenager, I discovered the term bisexual, and I didn’t feel a complete connection with that either. I felt lost, and I felt different. I felt wrong for being attracted to a wide variety of people. As an adult, when I was introduced to pansexuality, I felt like a part of me lit up & went, “YES! FINALLY!”

Once I embodied that, another part of me, a part I kept pushing down, kept resurfacing. My limitless attractions also manifested in more than one attraction at a time. I would choose one, yet always feel guilty for the continuous pulls to others. I felt like I was being greedy or not deserving of love because of how I felt.

When polyamory was brought up to me, I reacted negatively because, oh man, folks, my toxic monogamy conditioned upbringing and beliefs were so strong. After a lot of deeper work with myself, I realized that I had been trying to be something all of my life that just didn’t align with whom I am.

You must realize that I didn’t one day wake up and say, “Ya know, I think I’m going to give this pansexual and polyamorous stuff a go.” It doesn’t happen that way.

I’ve always been this person, but until now, I’ve thought there was something wrong with me and that I needed to cover up, hide, or fix who I am.

Life isn’t abundant when we aren’t aligned.

Never again will I hide who I am for the sake of other’s comfort. If some can proudly talk about their hetero, monogamy partnerships, then partnerships outside of hetero-monogamy can be just as proud when speaking about theirs.

So, let’s discuss polyamory. It is becoming more known, but still so connected to wild misconceptions.

When I talk about it, I often get the response: “I couldn’t do that. I’d get too jealous!”

All that says to me is that people choose monogamy, not because it is how they identify, but because they’re not in control of their own self-security.

I​ WAS THIS PERSON TOO.

Now, don’t confuse what I’m saying.

Monogamy, when practiced ethically, can be so absolutely beautiful. Any healthy, secure partnerships are! But to be monogamous simply because we are “jealous” is not the way to be.

Jealousy was something I had to work through when my husband and I decided to embody a polyamorous lifestyle. I always had this part of me deep down that knew my love was infinite and limitless. We don’t give ourself a glass ceiling on friends or anything else in life, so why love?

T​raumas I experienced in past relationships and conditioned beliefs I had growing up drilled into me on how to love “the right way” made it to where I suffocated that part of myself.

And by suffocating that piece of me, I suffocated my husband.

I​ let my jealousy, insecurities and fears keep us from loving to an extent that we were capable of. I realized that my jealousy, insecurities and fears had everything to do with my healing and nothing more.

I​ have never experienced love from my husband like I do now, and never have I given him love in the way that I do now. My heart soars at the thought of all the people we will love, individually and/or together, in this life of ours. And isn’t that the goal: to never limit this world of love?

Regardless of what resonates most with you, whether it be heterosexuality, pansexuality, polyamory, monogamy, or something else, embody it because you wholeheartedly identify with it, not because you’re doing so out of fear or expectation.

B​ig energy love,

A​sia, The Colorful Writer

lgbtq
2

About the Creator

Asia, The Colorful Writer

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