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Out of place


By Kelly VedderPublished 2 years ago 4 min read

I feel that I’m a nice person. Sometimes, too nice. It started at school. I never had many friends. I did have some best friends and my boyfriends’/husband's friends. There were times I felt they didn't like me, and they were just being nice, because of my boyfriend/husband.

I have a learning disability and it makes me feel stupid. I worry all the time. There is always something. Teachers always rolled their eyes when I didn't understand and needed clarification. When something goes wrong, I always find myself apologizing. There were always classmates, or older people, who made fun of me. Occasionally, there were times when I had to act tough and not so nice. There was a time I was placed in a group setting. The people in the group always tried to get rid of me, by starting a fight. During that time, I was so drained and exhausted. I wanted to take a break from life. It’s like every move I made, the world knew. It was even hard to keep my disability a secret. It was very hard to explain to the other students why I had to leave the room to take a test. I felt so embarrassed and out of place when I was asked why I was leaving the room to take a test?

Sometimes, when a person that was so bad in the past, is not bad now to you. ( People tend to go up over time. - I’m not sure what this sentence means) Even when I tried to help people, and try to be quick, I always felt I would do something wrong. Moving was not easy. I didn't know anybody and I came from a different background.

Owning a farm just makes you feel out of place. Everybody knows the work and it's natural for everyone around me. They assume you know what you're doing when you don't. You were raised differently and it throws off your life. Sometimes you feel out of place when you travel to a new location. Even on a vacation, or just for a day, you feel out of place. Everyone is different. They come from different backgrounds and different settings. I was shy and quiet when meeting new people. But, as soon as I warmed up, I was a social butterfly. Those friends I kept for years are still my friends, today.

When I lost my parents, I felt completely out of place. I felt like nobody else knew how I felt and what I was going through. You never know what anybody else is going through until you go through it yourself. I went to the cemetery every day when my father died to go talk to him. Then when my mother passed away I went to the cemetery as much as I could. Now, because I've moved far from the cemetery, I'm not there all the time. Even now, I still talk to them as I go for a walk, or when I’m alone. I talked to my mom and dad. They know what I go through. So, I talked to them about my brothers and sisters.

I remember one time, I kissed the ground of the grave before the stone came. My husband said he “has never seen anybody do that before.” I believe we all have angels and there's always an angel watching over all of us.

I don't talk about God, or mention God. I think it might offend some people. I know that my religion makes me feel out of place. My congregation makes me feel uncomfortable. As I walk into my congregation, I feel very insecure. I feel they're all talking, and looking at me. I do a children's liturgy at church. I have to stand up with the kids. I know it's all in my head, but I feel like everybody is looking at me, and talking about me.

I don't exactly walk very straight. My toes turn in so I know there are times people are laughing at me because my toes point in. People have asked me about it and I just say I was born that way. I’m embarrassed that I can never correct that. I just say it was the way. I was born to deal with it.

Some people hold grudges, and some don't. As I have gotten older, I’ve reconnected with the same people that treated me badly in the past. They’re not bad to me now. We have now become great friends. One was my husband's best friend, and one was the best man at our wedding. In conclusion, if you ever feel out of place just think of yourself as the authentic one and the unique one.


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