Our Miscarriage

I have always wanted to have a chil, but I never really gave it much thought until 2014-2015. I was working as a cashier at Walmart and this lady came through my line with her newborn baby girl in the car seat, and she was just glowing; she was smiling so big at the baby, singing to her as she patted the baby's feet together, and talking in a baby voice. You could tell that she was enjoying being a mommy. It warmed my heart for a bit, but I went on with my day, but as my shift went along I noticed more and more babies and toddlers coming through my line. Not every parent was full of joy like my first customer, but even the angry parents seemed to enjoy having a "minnie-me." That's not what made me want to have a baby though. This one lady had two cart fulls of groceries and about six kids and a baby with her. "Boy, you have your hands full today," I said to her, thinking that she had other people's kids with her, but she told me those were half of the bunch and that they were her kids. I looked at her with complete shock as she laughed and told me the story of how she has thirteen children, I couldn't believe it and asked her what made her and her husband decide to have so many children? The lady had told me that after having about three, they had decided to keep having more because they brought so much joy to them. I saw the joy and the glow in her face as she just hummed a tune to her baby and held his hand, making the loud, echoing store be still just for a moment in peace. That moment I had a sudden urge of wanting to be a parent. I thought maybe it was just baby fever, but ever since that day I still want to be a parent.

A few years ago I met a guy that I fell deeply in love with who I later on got engaged to. He was handsome, a natural comedian, charming, my best friend, and a father of a three-year-old boy at the time. When I met my fiance's son, we hit it off right away and he became really attached to me; we would play together, draw/color, watch movies together, write on the sidewalks, and all three of us would chase one another around the house. We were the Three Musketeers. I loved that boy as if he were my own, but when I would see my fiance play with his son outside or just goofing around in the house I felt a bit jealous; I saw that special connection between those two and how they bonded. I loved it, but I knew that I would never have that kind of connection with his son because he wasn't my own. I wanted that "glow" that I saw in a lot of parents, I wanted to have someone in my life that I could take care of and have an endless love for, and they would have that same love and care for me. I had a hard time bringing up the subject to my fiance, but I eventually did tell him that I put thought into having kids some day, and he agreed that he wanted to have kids of our own as well.

After about eight or ten months of being together (I know it's soon) we tried and we tried for almost a year, but we couldn't reach our goal of getting pregnant. We thought maybe something was wrong or we weren't doing things correctly so we had been to plenty of doctor visits by that time and no one could really find anything wrong, they even offered to do a very expensive procedure where they insert a fluid into your Fallopian tubes to see if it is blocked or not, but at the time we could not afford the procedure. My ovaries were working fine, as the doctors had told us, but for some reason things were not working, and my fiance had nothing wrong with reproducing, so he wasn't the problem. Most of the doctors told us to keep trying for a year and then come back if we still could not get pregnant, even though it was almost a year already. They said that if I couldn't get pregnant by then, then that meant more tests had to be done and that the results might not be what we had wanted, meaning infertility, cysts, or an expensive procedure. We wanted to find out if I could have a test done where they can find out if I am fertile or not, but they had told us that there wasn't a test that could verify that so we had to do other steps to narrow it down.

We wanted to try even harder; keeping track of my menstrual cycles, different positions that supposedly help producing, both eating healthier, taking vitamins, and etc, but we still could not get pregnant. After trying for many months, we kind of gave up on trying and got a little depressed. I told my fiance that I didn't want to keep getting our hopes up and to just go with the flow. If it happens, it happens.

After three or four months of going with the flow, towards the end of the year I noticed that I was a few weeks late for my period. We didn't get our hopes up because I have had a late period before, but not this far along, so I waited another week and I still hadn't got my period. I bought two pregnancy tests and took them in the morning. Both said positive, but I didn't want to get too excited so I bought two more tests and waited about five more days to take them. On the fifth morning, I took one of the tests; I didn't even want to look at the first one so I waited in the bedroom with my fiance until the three minutes were up. We both went in the bathroom and saw that it came out to be positive. The next morning I took the second test. We waited the three minutes and walked into the bathroom, positive! It was like in slow motion. My fiance and I both looked at one another in shock and excitement. He wrapped his arms around me so tightly. I started bawling like a baby, he was teary-eyed, and we started laughing with joy. We could not believe it!

A few weeks had passed and we hadn't told anyone yet because we wanted to go to the doctor's office to make sure everything was okay and that I was actually pregnant before telling any family members. Before we could make it to the appointment, a week before, one night we were laying down getting ready for bed, and all of a sudden I was getting this unbelievably sharp pain in my uterus; I was in so much pain that I curled up in a ball and cried while my fiance was trying to comfort me, but nothing was stopping the pain. At first I thought, "Great, I got my period and all the positive tests were false," but I had never experienced that kind of pain for my periods. I grabbed a heating pad and placed it on my lower abdomen and cried myself to sleep with my fiance's arms wrapped around me. I woke up in the middle of the night, thinking I peed myself; my shorts were soaked. I looked on the bed and there was a huge puddle of blood surrounding my whole lower part of my body. It looked like someone had been murdered in my bed! I woke my fiance up, panicking. He sat up and looked at the bed in shock and disappointment and said to me, "You got your period." "No" I said because I had NEVER bled that much on my period, ever. Right away we thought, but weren't hoping, that it was a miscarriage so I looked up signs of a miscarriage on the internet and got myself freaked out and called up my doctor. The doctor had told me that it sounded like a miscarriage, but if I still wanted to come to the appointment that following week to get everything checked, then I could. Once I got off the phone, my heart sank to my belly and I dropped to the bathroom floor, bawling my eyes out, and hugging my knees tightly. It felt like I got hit by a semi and they backed up to see if I was okay, but they went a little too far and drove over me another time. It destroyed me, and hurt my fiance just as much.

A miscarriage isn't the worst thing in the world, but when you want something so badly and it actually happens, but it gets taken away? It sucks, and it puts you down for a little while. For some people it's very hard and they never get through it. My fiance and I weren't the same for a very long time after that; we were extremely depressed, got into a lot of arguments, I didn't have the desire to even go to work, and honestly, for a while, we kind of lost interest in one another. It ate us up inside and we didn't know how to deal with it at the time, but as many months passed by, it got easier to move forward. One day we both decided that, hey, it sucked, but there are better days ahead and we needed to stay strong.