Open Letters to My Mama - Letter Four

Dear Mama,

I’ll be honest, I wasn’t sure what to write for this one. I’ve focused on how inspiring you are, how you don’t give yourself enough credit, your overwhelming talent and how beautiful you are. I know you’ve not read them, or if you have, then you’ve kept quiet about it. I know that my writing isn’t great and I can never get my point across properly, because I’m rubbish with emotions. I wanted to write you these so that you knew someone is on your side. That there is always someone here who loves you unconditionally and will always have your back. But deep down, I know that I’m not your blood, and honestly, I’m probably just in your way most of the time.

But, I do love you. I love you like we’re blood. To me, you are my Mama. And I’ll forever love you like you are. I will always protect your name and fight anyone who tries to say a single bad word against you. You’ll never have to question my loyalty to you. I hope you know that.

I wanted these letters to be really long and inspiring every week, but they’re not. But if you ever read these, then I’m sure you’d be lovely and say they’re good or whatever, because you never knock anyone down. You always hold people up and encourage them. I think the most honest thing I’ve ever written you was that private letter a couple of months back, the one I emailed you and you were gonna read out, but technology was against us. There’s so much I want to talk to you about. I honestly don’t know why, because you really wont care about any of it and honestly, I know there is no real need for me to tell you, but I want to. It’s weird and I don’t know how to explain it, but I couldn’t tell my birth mother so many things, that I want to be able to have a maternal outlook and opinion on things, and obviously, you’re that person to me. But as usual, I worry about boundaries and I talk myself into thinking I’m always annoying you and stuff, and then I freeze up and I’m here, stuck knowing what to write for these. Or at any point, to be honest.

Does any of this make sense? Probably not. I bet you wish I’d just go back to adulating you, ay? Haha.

I don’t know if I should carry on with this or not. This’ll be my fourth, and I honestly don’t know if it’s helping you or not. I just wanted to do something nice, because I don’t think there is ever anything I can do to show you my appreciation for everything you do for me. I constantly try to be there for you (as much as you’ll allow me to be), I support you in public and in private – I’ve had countless arguments with people, constantly defending your name and I never tell you, because I do it because I love you. But nothing I do is enough. And I mean that from my own perspective, I know you appreciate everything, because you’re so nice. But you gave me life (metaphorically) and I don’t know how to repay you. Everything I do never feels good enough. And I’m always scared I’m going to lose you. As a Mama and as a friend. And as for this job in January… it’s my biggest career dream and if it doesn’t happen, I’ll be crushed. Yes because I was looking forward to it, but mainly because it meant that I’d get to see you virtually every day for a few months and my god, that would be the ultimate thing for me. I like who I am when I’m around you. I’m happier, I give a shit about more in life and I don’t have the constant dark thoughts and I don’t go on my phone, which saves a heap of shit with social media and stuff.

I’m sorry this one became more about me, I’ll try and do better if I write any more of these letters.

I really, really love you. You have no idea.

And although this was more about me… remember… YOU ARE AMAZING AND KICK ARSE AND A GODDESS!!!

I love you,

Your Liddle One

xxxxx