One of a thousand goodbyes

I don't know if it's gotten worse or if I've just learned to deal with the loss of you. I know it's been a year and every day I think of you, you're there even when I don't want you to be. You're there because every day, everything that happens is another thing I wish I could tell you.

You were there when I broke things off with someone who didn't see my worth after two years of pain.

There when I just barely finished my spring semester of college, almost quit because the homework of constant reading was sending me into a grief-filled spiral.

You were there when I started my new job and trained hard so my mother would be proud.

There when I ended my Fall semester three classes into the semester because the emptiness of writing without you there to read it overwhelmed me so much. The loneliness of the campus, mixed with the confusion of the loss of my passions choked the senses right out of me.

I wish you weren't there for the moments when my heart feels like it's being crushed or the room gets dark as everything starts to close in on me.

But you're there even when I wish I could push you out my mind, in every book that I can't pick up because I feel so lifeless reading knowing you aren't the person listening when the book ends.

I know you were there when I prayed for the first time in a year begging god to give me someone who could take away the emptiness I feel in my heart.

Were you there when he shockingly delivered a handful of months later? Because that was the first time I didn't feel like I would spend my time alone. Showed me someone who listened when I talked about books that I knew you'd like.

You were there when I finally looked at that person and saw something in them that I haven't seen in others?

I didn't realize I was holding onto the past until I walked into your home a year later and grew cold because I finally realized how much time has passed and how it had aged. Time has passed but I've felt frozen in the memories I hold tight. Your room is something I don't recognize because I wasn't there when it changed.

Your bookcase is still tall but smaller than I remember, dustier and aged with books so old the print on some of them is fading. I know it's me that's gotten bigger, taller but I expected the bookcase to still tower above me. Stand tall and full and tell me that time never changed within the shelves but as the books become more coated in the dust I know time passes whether I want to admit it or not.

I thought I faced all the pain but it wasn't until I had my pick of your books and it wasn't you choosing for me that I wasn't ready for you to truly be gone. Because when I sent you text messages I still prayed for a response that I knew deep down wouldn't come. I still held on to my goodbye for you because I know I still need you.

Being in your home, a home that feels different without you was a way to force myself to let you go. I realize I'm holding onto someone that is gone but I could say a thousand goodbyes and they still wouldn't be enough. How do I say goodbye to someone that I think about every day, someone that sometimes causes anxiety to spread throughout my chest?