On a Different Planet

An Autobiography (Preview)

On a Different Planet

When I think back on my childhood, I feel too many emotions to name. I was born into a very small, fragile family; a family that was passing down generations of hurt and confusion, PERIOD. Why? I don’t know. However one of the few things I’ve come to FULLY understand is that everything happens for a reason. So there was a reason for this cycle’s repetitions, and there also was damn sure a reason that at just 10 years old, I felt trapped in the middle...

I was a kid who became very aware, EARLY. My dad was no where to be found, and my mother was well, working, going to school, trying to find love, etc. So a lot of the things I grew curious about, I’d research. What I couldn’t find in a book I learned from the streets, and just tried to make sense of it all.

My grandmother was a faithful Seventh Day Adventist (religious ones who honor Saturday as the day God took a break after he made the world), so when it came to morals and faith, most of what I THOUGHT was correct came from what I learned in church. Once I grew into my teenage years I started to notice things that made me feel a way towards religion as a whole. So with my mother always on the go, Pops being a ghost, losing my trust in the church hit me harder than people probably know. By the time I was 17, I felt 100 percent by myself (in my head). I felt as if I was a disappointment, I didn’t belong, I was unloved, and lost. Charlemagne The God is an ass sometimes, but that brother’s best selling book Shook Ones speaks volumes. I believe all black men should read his book. He talks about dealing with anxiety, and basically how we men have a habit of standing in our own way.

There is a chapter in his book where he writes about childhood development, and how important it is to feed a child’s mind with constant positivity during their younger years. I find this to be extremely true... and unfamiliar. Between religious views in the home, and dealing with my mothers demons, I came face to face with reinforcement countless times, just very few of them were positive. I remember not being able to watch television on Friday nights after 7 PM, because of what my mother and grandmother believed. I remember singing “Bills Bills Bills” by Beyoncé (I mean Destiny’s Child) one day and my mother busting in the room yelling “Are you a faggot! THOSE SONGS ARE FOR GIRLS.”

Yeah, it wasn’t a situation a young boy trying to find himself needed to be in. I loved my mother dearly, but knew early on even as a kid, she had issues, specifically with men. She wouldn’t allow me and my younger brother to hang out with our older cousins our uncles. We couldn’t hold their hands, sit in their laps, ANYTHING! And me being the curious kid I was, I wanted to know why.

Did she not like men? Did she think all men were child molesters? I really believe so LOL (that means laughing out loud). I laugh now because I couldn’t laugh then. One night my youngest brother got sick. He was crying and having a hard time moving his bowels. My mother started examining his body, then she turns to me and goes, “did you do anything to my child?” I remember looking at her with a disheveled look while thinking to myself, “What does that even mean?” She then said, “If I find out you were playing with my child’s ass, I’m going to kill you.” Now keep in mind, this is my youngest brother...

I am the first born. One of the things I hold dear to my heart is being able to say that I am someone’s big brother. My mom really broke me that night when she accused me of, for lack of better words, MOLESTING my little brother. I clocked out from her being my mother at that point and became a kid who couldn’t wait to turn 18 and get the fuck away from her crazy ass.

As an adult, one of the hardest things to do is be vulnerable and transparent. 50 percent of it comes from the expectations of the world, and the other 50 percent comes from what WE AS INDIVIDUALS THINK of being vulnerable and transparent, which in many cases as children, we never see displayed in a positive light. It took me years to realize that some of the strongest people are the most open and honest individuals. Firstly with themselves, then everyone else around them...

immediate family
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Zay Moore

Musician.Producer.Writer & Visionary Representing New York City. 

See all posts by Zay Moore