Now I watch the fading light of my happiest memories;

These days we are all frazzled; even the dogs act like they can't eat and are depressed. Memories of the past two years are cloaked in a blur filled with alcoholic delusions and drug filled nights. To think that we were a family two years ago and then in one night it was all wiped away.

There are religious people who believe that fire is purifying and cathartic. In our case is was dark, scented with fear, grief and agony. The future of our little family died that night. None of us took the horrors well; can you really take the deaths of two little children anyway but awful?

For the past two years since, in the moments that we can remember we've used everything possible to avoid feeling the emptiness that a tragedy brings. There is not a silver lining and this wasn't God's will. This shattered us.

At times our young adult sons have had to babysit my husband and I; drag us black out drunk from bars and intervene during the increasing fighting. At least during the fights we have some emotion and aren't just going through the paces of our life because we have to take care of them financially. We simply can't run away yet, the boys would not do well.

Somedays I'll wake up and the sun is shining and I can hear the ocean waves. This almost brings a happiness inside until I wake up and remember our losses. Even on those bright days, my view is filled with shadows of gray, haunting my thoughts.

I never understood how death can rip apart marriages like a demonic assailant. Now that is my life. We were always a toxic couple; but when things worked they were the highest of highs. With this added pain the highs have become more spread out and we keep playing a tit for tat game of who is going to hurt more today.

We don't plan for this to happen and we both are still very much in love. Our souls are broken and dark. The wispy fingers of rage, pain and death wrap inside our brains until we open our mouths to spew verbal bile.

For us it is bittersweet as well, we are both working on our mental health after years of ignoring problems. I don't believe in the sunk cost fallacy; instead we are well aware of how many stories and adventures that our lives have brought us and for now those times keep the light flickering inside.

I try to push him away to avoid the feelings of abandonment; instead that forces my insecurities into the light and I desperately grab onto him to keep from drowning. He shuts down and hides to escape the pain that I cause him.

In my heart and my logical mind; not the part buried under the dusty shadows I genuinely believe that we will be able to to find each other again. Life has no luster without him in my life; I can't imagine going on an adventure and turning around to look for him only to realize that he isn't with me.

My husband has a tender, loving heart. He brings out the absolute best person in me. We are slowly trying to give ourselves permission to not be so self destructive and try to start living. Will we make it back together? I think we will, the love has not left us; we've added another pain on top of our families original horror.

Despite how harsh our lives have become; we still have tender moments together. He tolerates quite well my insane love to collect all of the animals I can. The next few months will be key to see if we can tape the pieces of our hearts back together and work together to take care of our sons. Both sons are amazing men. The visions they saw that night were worse than a nightmare; because it was real.

Life is supposed to be full of twists and turns; it is not rainbows and dancing unicorns all the time. I do firmly believe that we have taken our share and deserve for our home to be filled with a loving and close knit family once again.