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no good deed goes unpunished

all my life

By Ebony KendallPublished 3 years ago 3 min read
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i wake as i do every morning, to the sound of my children, crying, nagging or begging for me to get out of bed and meet their demands and you, you sleep. my head hazy from our youngest child keeping me up all night, it’s been like this for three and a half years now, i wake and you, you sleep. so i make toast for the children and of course you, i do this while refereeing arguments and soothing tears, you wake to the smell of burned toast and look at me like i am worthless. i carry on cleaning, wiping, picking up, while you, you eat. time to get the children dress so we can leave you in peace. for you to work? Goodness no, you’re unemployed but you need space, rest and a break, from what? your past has become my presents burden, i live only to serve your needs and to suffer from the trauma you are unwilling to fix, to even try lessen, but we don’t talk about that. i’m not allowed to help you but i’m not allowed to leave you. Off to the park, i hope no one is there so our children can play without me having to hear other mothers discuss their husbands, their extensions of their homes, the new car they just upgraded too. We walk to the park everyday because we can afford nothing else. This is my fault, I should have considered these things before having kids you’d say, i guess i was wrong the egg must swim to the sperm. i smile at our kids and tell them how clever they are, i try to give them the love you sometimes can’t or won’t. a mother can’t be selfish like a father can. back home to make our children lunch and get them to sleep. they cry the whole walk home in the hot sun, they are in the shade and comfort of the pram while i push uphill with the sun pelting down on me, i’m optimistic and hopefully that the time on your own will make you softer when we return, i am wrong, our children’s cries annoy and frustrate you. i feed and get them to sleep as quickly as i can...i wake with a sick feeling in my stomach knowing you’ll be angry i accidentally fell asleep, this is the time you expect me to devote to you and your needs, meaning i sleep with you, wether i want to or not. i go and try to start things quickly but it’s too late you’re already pissed off. i won’t be able to talk to you until who knows when. i start on the washing and the folding, until i hear a cry and then it’s back to tending to our children. i will spend the afternoon entertaining our children, cleaning, picking up, nothing for myself. the night will be cooking, bathing and putting the children to sleep, laying in bed knowing it will all repeat again tomorrow, and the next day and the next. i will be your slave day after day and you, you will sleep.

married
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