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No Girls Allowed

Letting go of one dream while finding another

By Jenn PautschPublished 5 years ago 6 min read
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All of my life I wanted to be a mother. When I was younger I wanted to have kids young. My mom had me when she was 20, about to turn 21. I loved having a young mom. My mind boggled at my friends who had older parents. I just thought having kids while you were younger would mean you would have more energy and be more interactive in their lives.

I started babysitting at 12. I was certified through the YMCA. In society today this would never have happened, but in the early 90s apparently they thought kids that age were responsible enough. And I was. I had a few families with young children that I cared for for years until we moved to a new town. Of course, I found children to care for here as well.

I adored children. I still do. The innocence, the wonder, the joy of them. Watching a child learn about the world around them, how to move around and use their motor skills, develop their sponge-like brains... kids are so amazing. If you are a person who delights in children, you will completely get what I am talking about here.

When I was sixteen, I got a job watching a little girl who lived behind us. For the first five years of her life, with the exception of family, I was the only person who ever watched her. She came everywhere with me. We spent the summers going to parks and the mall. She was the brightest spot in my life. I loved that kid. I still love her, even though she is an adult now, and I haven't seen her for many years. I actually was scared that someday when I had kids I wouldn't love them as much as I loved this particular child. I helped form her into the person that she became, and I am proud to have been such a big part of her life.

So, I knew that someday when I had kids I wanted a girl. So badly. I wanted tutus and pigtails. I wanted dolls and ponies. I dreamed of having a little girly cheerleader, who would be beautiful and perfect. I wanted her to be able to dance, and to do gymnastics. In my mind, I never doubted that I would be blessed with a little girl someday.

When I hit 20, it was not time for a child. And slowly the years ticked by with no hope of me having a child, because the situation just wasn't right. As I entered into my late 20s I remember telling someone that if I hadn't had a child by 30 I was just going to do it by myself instead of waiting for the right person to procreate with.

When I was 27, I had a miscarriage. Second term. It was, and still is, one of my most painful memories. My marriage suffered heavily due to many factors, but this was definitely part of it. It was January 8, 2008. I felt like to world was over. I suffered from extreme depression afterward. I had to take time off work, and when I tried to go back I had a total meltdown. I ended up leaving my job, and taking a little more time to myself. Finally, I returned to work in April. Then in July I had another miscarriage. My husband was working out of town, and on his way to the hospital he was so worried about me that he "had to stop at a bar for a shot," Needless to say, he never made it to the hospital, and he also found himself without a place in my life.

Eventually, I became pregnant again. I was terrified the entire pregnancy. I was so scared I would lose the baby. But this time, everything went well. The day we went for the ultrasound to find out the gender I was so excited. Until I realized that it MIGHT be a boy. I had never even entertained the thought until that moment. I had been convinced it was a girl. We had a girl named picked out. As the image of my beautiful baby appeared on the screen, I saw the unthinkable. I saw it before they told me. I was having a boy.

I cried for three days. I was absolutely devastated. I didn't even know how to process it. But eventually I came around. I loved having my baby in my belly, where I could protect him. KP was born six months to the day before my 30th birthday. I had done it, had a child before I turned 30. And I loved him so much.

As he went through infancy and became a toddler, it was evident I was going to try again. After he turned two was the plan. I just knew that I would have a girl this time. So, when I found myself pregnant again with entirely different symptoms it convinced me that I was in for the great news. The day of the ultrasound, I was confident again it would be a girl. And again, I saw it before the tech told me. I cried for about thirty seconds, and then said "Well, at least this is most cost efficient." And settled into being a boy mom.

Now, I had always said I didn't want a middle child. I wanted either two or four, but never three. And I really did not want four. So it looked like I was done having kids. And that was fine. I completely LOVED my boys. They were hilarious, messy, loud, gross, lovingly sweet, snuggly, and total momma's boys. They are still all of these things, even at nine & seven.

Honestly, I don't even know what I would have done with a girl. I am a tomboy. I am the least girly girl you will ever meet. If I would have ended up with a little diva, by the time she was a teenager she would have been so embarrassed of her redneck tomboy mom. But my boys think I am fabulous.

So, when I decided that I was going to try one more time with my current boyfriend, I thought surely this time... The day they called me with the results of my genetic testing and asked if I wanted to know, I prepared myself to hear the one thing I had always wanted to hear. And then in a very anti-climatic ending, she said it was a boy. This time I didn't cry. This time I resigned myself to knowing I would never have a girl. Because this was it. The last one. It had to be, at the rate I was going I was going to end up with twin boys if I didn't stop.

My last son, my baby man, is perfect. He is a snuggle bug, and the biggest Momma's boy that I have. I have appreciated and enjoyed him far more because I know he is the last. Never again will I know bringing a newborn home, or late night feedings. And never will I know being a mom to a princess. Just my princes.

I am SO blessed. My boys are healthy and happy. They love each other so much. They are brilliant, and comedians. Every day they astonish me. Sometimes in good ways, sometimes not. I wouldn't trade a second of their presence for that girl I wanted so badly. So I am proud to call myself a Boy Mom. Proud and humbled, that these little men came into my life to show me that it is ok to let go of one dream, to realize another dream was better after all.

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About the Creator

Jenn Pautsch

I am a mom to three wonderful boys who are my world! I enjoy spending time outdoors, watching my boys play baseball, reading, writing, and relaxing. Most recently, I have been not driving across town much during the shelter-in-place order.

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