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New beginnings

by priscilla baier 5 months ago in adoption
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By Priscilla Baier

The start

Ever since I was little I always thought I needed to be someone else and be different. It broke me to know that my birth mother never put effort to try and help herself to get us back. My brother and I never had to worry about moving to one foster to another but if we never put into my adopted moms house we would had to worry of where we were going to end up next and where we were going to end up sleeping the next day if that was going to be a possibility. But to be honest I'm glad that my brother and I were able have a second chance at life. To be able to know that we have a roof over our heads and being fed everyday was an upcoming into our life's. But having a second family is harder than you can imagine if you think about it because you must remember that you're not the same and you're just a stranger that just popped into their lives. Every day I think about this and when we have family functions, I see a difference in everyone because they see themselves as each other and I can't relate to either one of them. I try to deal with complications like this every day by realizing that they let me in with love and positivity each day. To me I feel like I was set as a replacement and sometimes I feel like my sister feels the same way, but I don’t know because I can't read her mind. The reason I feel this way is because my other sister passed away on April 30,2009 from a bilateral pulmonary embolism and I had a little time with her sometimes I have a vision of her once in a great while. I have this vivid memory of her in a restaurant telling people I'm a diva because I have these moments with my favorite sunglasses. Some people think that living in another place with people we lived with but haven't really adapted to people because we weren't born to the family. I don’t understand how people can deal with this or the thought of this. I struggle every day, sometimes I feel like nothing and that I can't talk to anyone that can relate to anything. I have so much to get off my mind and I don’t know how to express without releasing too much or that I'm going to scream because I have so much trauma and guilt or just anger that’s built up. Since I have to deal with new people that I feel like I don’t really know if they're new to me every day, I don’t know these people even though I interact with them each day it’s just a different feeling I have. The only thing I can relate to my adoptive family is my mom and what we’ve experienced while living with her. I just don’t have anyone to relate to and can really talk about certain things and what my biological parents did I only have my adoptive sides story and not hers I want to know more about why and how did these things happened to me. Why did I get so much trauma involved in my life ? like WHAT! Every day I live with fear and anxiety and depression. I want my own world to live in with just myself and to be able to process so many things that I can't already express. I've been so hostile to myself and I don’t even notice I put myself in certain situations that can lead myself into death or being put in jail. I don’t even know any more of what to do, I feel lost and hurt. I've been mentally and physically and sexually abused throughout my childhood. It's so hard to live with someone who talks to her friends and that don’t believe me I don’t understand why she would say that I can't process of how someone can say that to a kids face who was forced to do something and was put into an environment that was so traumatizing and you can't even go to that person because she's going to victim blame you and talk crap about you. One of my adopted side aunts got mad at me and yelled that no one believes me and why would I say that about my brother because you wanted everything to yourself and have no strength. But no one was there and no one saw what happened I couldn’t even believe that it happened to me my only person who assaulted me. I obviously told my mom, but it was so long that I was able to come forward and say something I couldn’t do it because I felt like people who were going to act differently towards me and judge me.I still feel this way and Ive been having to get hekp to this day to help myself be able to communicate better for help when something happens or when im in a situation that I need to express my feelings.

adoption

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priscilla baier

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