I wrote this a few years back. During a very tough time in my life. Things at home were bad, at university was getting to me. I've always wanted this woman to be my mum. Ever since I was little. But as I got older, I wanted it more. I wanted to have someone to talk to, like most mothers and daughters do. I wanted to be close to the influential woman in my life. I wanted to learn from her and grow up to be like her.
I'm lucky enough now, after all those years, to actually have her as a second mum. My birth mother died and she's really taken me under her wing. Whilst I know I'm not actually her blood, and that there is a whole list of people who come before me, I'm so gratful that I have a small place in her life. I love her so much and she makes me a better person. I've learnt so much from her over the years and I don't ever want that to end.
We’ve all got parents, after all, we all needed parents to even be alive in the first place. That being said, life gets in the way: parents leave, parents die, parents can even change hands.
Most of the time, our family set ups are completely out of our control. We can’t choose our parents, but we can choose if we have a relationship with them or not.
Sometimes, our parents even choose us – depending on the adoption circumstances.
But the option we never really get – is the option to choose who we want as our parents, especially with the older you get. People seem to think you need parents less. But when you’ve never really had a proper parental structure, you crave it. If you have those feelings towards someone, people will automatically assume you fancy them. And you just want to throw your arms up in the air and shout: ‘No!’
People don’t understand; it’s not a normal feeling. Some people, if you’re lucky, won’t think you’re too weird. Others, however? They’ll treat you like shit. And you’re constantly worried and paranoid of how your dream parent will take your confession.
‘I love you’ can be taken in many different ways. But today’s media make it all about sex. Sex isn’t love. Lust isn’t love. Feeling safe with someone and relying on their mood to make your day… that’s love!
You get used to being on your own. Forming any kind of relationship can be hard for most people, but at least they have their family to fall back on.
Some of us aren’t that lucky.
Then one day, out of nowhere, the ideal mother figure appears. It could be a slow burn, or it could click pretty quickly. Either way, it’s something beautiful!
You finally feel like you belong. You’re able to be yourself. No more walking on egg shells, no more fake smiles. You’re just you, and she’s just her. You find yourself opening up; telling her things you never thought would leave your lips. She understands you. She understands how you work. She understands the stuff even you don’t.
She’s unblinking and takes you as you are.
Platonic love is a real thing. Wanting affection from someone, without having any sexual desires, is a real thing. Narrow minded people will say that two people can’t have a relationship without sexual feelings. But, if that’s the case, then what do you call the relationship between family members? What about friendships?
You’ve always been alone in your life. You’ve never really had proper relationships; platonic or otherwise. You never got on with your family, friends never really stuck around much, and you were bullied from primary school, right the way through college. You’re every psychologist’s dream, but you don’t want help. You don’t need help. You just want a relationship with someone who understands you.
You’re twenty-one, you’ve given up all hope. You’re at university, you’ve made a few friends, but you worry that history will repeat itself. You’re still alone in the world, but at least there are people who can make you laugh now.
Then one day, something clicks with someone. You feel something you’ve never felt – a sense of belonging. You find yourself forgetting to put on your façade; you’re being yourself. You can swear, be happy, even cry – and they won’t judge you. They seem to know things about you… things you haven’t told anyone. This person feels like the mum you’ve always wanted.
You want them to be proud of you, and everything you do is with them in mind. It’s weird, but you’ve spent so long not belonging anywhere, or feeling wanted, and suddenly it’s like a light has been switched on. You have more confidence around them, you feel happier, you feel like you could survive through anything in life, as long as they’re by your side.
But, it only lasts for as long as they’re around. At the end of the day, when you both go home, you end up feeling like before. You’re around people that society says loves you, but they don’t. How do you know? Well, the way they treat you. And if they do love you, then they have a funny way of showing it.
You count down the days until you see your parental figure again. It’s the only thing that keeps you going. You try to keep yourself busy, but any spare second you have, you think about what your life could be like. You imagine how different you’d be, how much more confident you’d feel. How much further in life you’d be.
Being exceptionally close to someone is a great feeling; especially when you haven’t experienced it your whole life. When you’ve been raised by cold or emotionless parents, you have a pretty over-realistic view of the world, and you don’t bother forming relationships because you know all about the circle of life. But once that parental figure walks into your life, there’s no going back.
Affection is all you want. You crave the closeness. You regress back to being a child who needs looking after, even though you’ve been looking after yourself for years.
Why couldn’t you have been born to her instead?
You used to be so good at hiding emotions, and in a way, you still are. Just not when it comes to her. You get to a certain age and you’re not meant to need your parents anymore… but you want her motherly love and affection so badly. You question your sanity… or lack of. You worry for your mental health, because platonic love and transference aren’t openly accepted by the masses.
Platonic love is harder than wanting to shag someone.
Some things happen for a reason. You never believed it before, but this has to mean something? You’ve never cared about being lonely before. You thought you liked it. But then you’re shown what it can be like to have someone there who gets you, someone you can look up to, and suddenly you crave that love and affection. You know nothing can happen, and deep down, you know that she doesn’t care about you outside of the work environment. But you want it. You crave it. You’d give anything for her to love you, to mother you.