My Road to Motherhood

The journey to becoming a mother can be difficult for black women. In my culture, women don’t talk much about infertility. The old myth that stems from slavery that African American women are more capable of having children because of the shape of their hips is false. According to womenheathmag.com, 12% of all women up to the age of 44 are affected by infertility, and African American women are twice as likely to experience it than Caucasian women. I m an African American woman in that 12%.

This is My Story

My experience started with a medical emergency at the age of 20. My doctor at the time was treating me for an irregular cycle. For 12 weeks, I was going to his office for pain in my lower right side. The medicine eased my condition for 2 weeks. The pain and the bleeding stopped. It came back. It would come and go as if someone was punching.

On a Thursday morning in December 1993 while at work, I started hurting like never before. I had to leave work and go straight to the hospital.

I arrived at the hospital. The doctor on duty sent me to get an ultrasound. I was pregnant in my tube. The 2 hours surgery took 4 hours. According to the nurse, I flat-lined because I was hemorrhaging. Thank God, I came back this way and lived to tell this story.

My recovery was normal. I stayed home from work for the 8 weeks required. My then-boyfriend ask me to marry him. In July 1994, we were joined together as one. I was content with being a wife and stepmother for a couple of years.

When I was 23, my husband and I started trying to have a baby. We did what married people do😉. Month after month nothing happened. We talked and decided to go seek help.

I made an appointment with my OB/GYN. He ran some tests. He explained that I did not ovulate every month. I had scarring from the tubal pregnancy. He then assured me with some hormone treatment and a simple procedure, I would become pregnant in no time.

For the next 3 years, we tried desperately to conceive. Those were some sad days. Teardrops flooded my pillows at night. I felt like my body was my enemy. I tried everything the doctor suggested. No baby came. My husband and I had a conversation. We decided to take a break from trying so hard.

Friends and family members were building their families. I went to baby shower after baby shower in my twenties. These were the times when I learned to be happy for others. I learned to pray and trust in God’s plans.

At the age of 28, I was overjoyed to discover I was pregnant. We informed our close friends, family, and church family for support. I was carefully trying to make sure the baby was safe. On a Wednesday morning while at work, I started spotting. I left work and went to the doctor. I lost the baby that day at 18 weeks.

My doctor advised us that I would not be able to carry a baby to term. I tried to process his words. All I could think in my mind was a song by gospel artist Yoland Adams “The Battle is Not Yours”.

My church family and I prayed earnestly for guidance. I believed God was going to bless us. The more I trusted the more people came with discouraging words.

These were the top five Discouraging Statements.

You wouldn’t have lost that baby if you were not working so much.

You can’t do it; I’ll have a baby for you with a half-smile on her face.

Your husband can give you everything a woman could want except a baby.

Having babies is easy. Have sex more.

Everybody is not meant to have children.

As much as I believed, I was a functioning depressed person meaning I did everything people excepted of me. I went to work, church, community commitments, and so on. I laughed at jokes and smiled, and listen to my family and friends' problems. At night, I wept. Those were some long sad nights.

Nobody knew how I felt. I have never been a person that expresses my feelings at the moment. I learned at a young age that most people don’t care about another person's feelings. When I felt overwhelmed, I would write in this little purple and pink notebook. This went on for about 1 year.

Everything changed for me when the women’s department at my church put on a revival/shut-in. The evangelist had the women put me in a circle and pray for me. She put her hands on my belly, and then she hugged me and said God heard my prayers. I smiled and thanked God in my heart. I moved on and the meeting ended.

God is so merciful. Five months from that meeting I found out I was 16 weeks pregnant. During the first trimester, I didn’t have any signs of pregnancy. There was no morning sickness. I never stopped having my menstrual cycle. By the grace of God, I carried that baby full term.

Everything the doctor warned me about didn’t happen.

That baby is now 18 years old. He is working his first job, a member of our youth group at church, a leader in the high school band, and about to graduate high school. In the church world, people often say God will give you double for your trouble. Well, he blessed me with 3 sons. God knows when and how to do a thing.

Lessons

Tough times either build character and faith or spring forth bitterness and envy. Character shows support for others in spite of personal struggles. A person learns empathy. Bitterness causes a person to be cold, jealous, and unsympathetic towards others.

Trust God even when the situation looks impossible. Do not listen to the negative message that comes during the trials. Replace them with something that is true about God’s character. Most all don’t give up on life.

If you happen to be going through infertility, remember you are not alone 12% of the women are going through the same thing. Seek medical help, find support, pray and ask God for guidance. No matter the outcome God said he will never leave or forsake those that believe in him.

Thanks for reading