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My One Great Love

They say we all have one, you are mine my beautiful daughter… so why in God's name would you even consider leaving me ???

By Z VPublished 5 years ago 4 min read
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Mum & Daughter - living our best lives.

Parenthood is a funny old game.

I'm not gonna lie, I was scared shitless when, at 23, I found out I was pregnant (only because I couldn't bare to smoke my favourite Marlboro Reds—the reason I knew I was pregnant, not the reason I was scared shitless FYI !!!)

There we were, in Ibiza, in a pharmacy, buying a test with one epic hangover. Clubbing off our tits trip of a lifetime. 30 minutes later. Confirmed. Off the fags. I don't remember what went through my mind at that moment other than I need my Mum and mashed potatos!

I am a Mother and a Daughter. I left home when I was 17. Not for University, but for a boyfriend. I remember clearly having open discussions with my Mum and Dad, and any reservations they had were not visible to teenage me. Or rather teenage me didn't notice, apart from the time my Mum locked herself in the downstairs toilet crying. This is a memory I replay a lot recently. Not because I am a sicko, but because I do it now.

I spent my entire pregnancy in denial. I didn't associate my body changes with any particular outcome. I ate bars of soap, stole heartburn tablets, sniffed flash like it was Tom Ford perfume, but you'll be pleased to know I drew the line at eating raw bacon!

All I knew was that I was getting fatter and fatter. I knew I could smell garlic being cooked three roads down, I knew I didn't want to smoke or drink, I knew that I was being followed around Boots sniffing Dove like some crazed addict, I knew that I was scared, and I knew that despite me hating the sink in the bedroom of the shitty little flat your Dad and I shared—it was saving me. I was sick. All of the time.

You arrived early. Thank actual Christ, because it bloody hurt. You were essentially a toddler immediately. It's true what they say. NO. One. Can. Prepare. You!! I did however enjoy the out of body experience, the ethereal not of this world madness. The drugs, and afterwards the new Mum fuss.

You were delivered at 6:46 PM UK time. I went straight to surgery. I had a difficult labour. You and I were reunited after nine PM. You had been taken to a room on your own, it was Winter and dark. The bright lights of Manchester were keeping you occupied, you lay wide awake, looking, I think waiting for me.

Then it all fell into place.

Hello my love, I am sorry I kept you waiting. Nice to finally meet you, I promise to love and protect you forever.

The one and only time I have ever made a promise, and knew that I would keep it. It was, has been, and is, effortless.

Fast forward nearly 18 years and we are looking at Universities. We are addressing your future, your independence, your rightful passage into young adulthood and my heart is breaking.

I know heartbreak. I know loss. I know grief. I know despair. But, this is something else entirely.

When you are pregnant and then a Mother to a toddler, a five year old, an 11 year old, starting high school, you have purpose. You make all the decisions. What you are eating, what school shoes you will be wearing, what time your bedtime is, gadget curfew, what you can watch on TV, and what time you have to be home.

16 year old you was a different kettle of fish altogether. At college, working, having driving lessons, making your OWN decisions.

I wasn't ready for that my darling. I am not ready for the future. It sounds dramatic, but a future without you. Realistically I know it's just for a while.

You are doing all the right things. You are living just as we have raised you to do. We have encouraged you to be bold, brave, and vocal. To take responsibility for your life, your actions, and your voice. A little bit of me wishes we hadn't.

I knew all the new Mum advice, statements, and affirmations, but I thought I was nailing it. Turns out you have to address the fact that your babies grow up and leave. Perhaps it's harder because it's just the two of us, perhaps I didn't notice how much I relied on you just as you did me, or how much of myself I gave unconditionally and will easily continue to do.

You are my proudest moment, if I get nothing else right in this world in my lifetime, I know I have done something monumental in raising you. An incredible human with far greater capacity than I to fulfill your dreams. I know you are only lent to me, I know that you must grow and sadly go. But know this, I will always be waiting and for a while stalking you!

You, my darling girl, are my one greatest love xx

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