My Mom's Wedding

I always knew the big day was coming. It was weird acting all hype and what not. My mom was getting married today. My brother and I were filled with joy. Well him more than me, I on the hand, was feeling something entirely different.

It was June 19, 2019 around 9 a.m my uncle came walking in a drunken stopper. I was so confused as to why he decided to wake up so early. I was already getting high with my aunties and uncle all last night. But nevertheless, the day was here and it was beautiful.

Over the last few months, the family had spent a good amount of time in preparation for this event. The time, location, area and a whole bunch of other things that factor in. I don't wanna say that it was sorta last minute because of the area but hey, it's my mom. I love her with all my heart and if shes happy, her sons are happy. As I was getting ready, that feeling had came back to me. I ignored it completely and went about the day.

I had to get my hair done despite the wedding being today. Although it was already re-twisted, washed and dried, my mom wanted me to look extra fancy. I have dreadlocks mind you, it isn't easy maintaining this hairstyle. The amount of time and effort that is put into just washing is so time consuming. It clocks around 2-3 hour for my hair to be completely redone, twisting and all.

I went to the hair salon and had my mother pay for the process. I felt so out of place with my mom paying for me. I generally don't allow anyone to spend any currency on me. It just doesn't feel right to me in a way. Then again, I would spend money for anyone that is in need in a heartbeat. So I guess I had to delete that notion out of my head.

The ceremony had started around 4 pm and I was finishing up hair around 130ish I want to say. For all the people who have dreadlocks, you guys already know the pain. My brother had picked me up and dropped me back at our grandfather's house. After burning some time playing the game, I had to get ready. The theme for my mother's wedding was yellow, her favorite color.

I never liked the idea of dressing up. Wearing a suit and ties is definitely not me at all. I prefer to wear shirts and sweatpants. Some vintage type shirts with the buttons are cool but that's about it. But it's my mom, so I already put my feelings to the side and started getting ready. As my grandfather tied my tie, that feeling came back to me quickly and went away just like that.

We drove 15 minutes up the road to where the wedding was being held. When I arrived, I had seen my entire family. I'm talking about uncles, aunts, cousins that I haven't seen in a few years or so. One thing I love about family though, is that you can be yourself sometimes. I mean imagine not meeting your best friend in like 3 years right but then come back together as if it was any other day. That is how it is when my family and friends of the family. But something was off, as if I was sensing something but not sure at all.

Everyone who I greeted whether it be family or friends were terrible. I said hello, I got a nod. When I went for a hug, it was from the side. I went in for handshakes and I got nothing in return, not even a hello. It was weird to me, for not having anyone talk to me or have a conversation about anything random. As I pondered as to why the people whom I love dearly are disrespecting me, the wedding was starting.

I tried to sit with my friends but even they too shunned me away. At that point, I was starting to feel hurt. People who I drew up with decided to have nothing to do with me in the first place. A nice burn like a camp wood fire pit. So the only available seats were the bad kids who didn't listen. I felt so ashamed but hey, it is not my day at all so I don't mind.

The wedding had started and my mom came walking in with my grandparents. The yellow dress was golden and magnificent. So sleek and elegant, almost out of a movie. I wanna say like the bell of beauty and the beast. Right around my stepfather, who is now my father, comes walking in a black tux. I'm talking about the real mafia or one of the godfather goons. Even though I don't like the clothing style, I do love the lore of it.

My parents said their vows and officially got married. It was great until something occurred. My mom passed out about 15 minutes after the recessional was concluding. It sent everyone in a shock, including me. I couldn't even process everything that was happening at this very second. Because in the midst of everything, my grandmother was feeling ill as well. I couldn't make sense of everything that was going on. It was as if life was crumbling away at me and I was the center point. That feeling that was off was growing stronger and stronger by the minute. But then, I came back to reality after my brothers had talked to me.

Nobody was ever being mean to me, they were just excited. It wasn't that they didn't want to shake your hand nor hug you, it was that everyone wanted to meet each other after years. My friends were clowning on me because that's what we did in the past. And my mother wasn't overheating, the dress was just too tight on her and my grandmother was tired.

Apparently I found out something insane about myself. It seems I had social anxiety. I never knew exactly what this meant or how this even came to be. But it's what I've been dealing with for a few years now and it isn't easy at all. I can't go out in public by myself or walk somewhere that is heavily populated. For some reason, it just makes me feel weird around a lot of people. I can't really explain but yeah that's what happened that day, I just hope others who experience anxiety the same as me are finding ways to cope with it and are doing fine in life.