My Living Nightmare

My hands gripped my cotton candy colored pajama dress as I felt his hot foul breath on my left neck and ear. A few moments later his hand was raising up my thigh and I didn’t know why he was doing this, but I was paralyzed from the terror coursing through my veins. I turned my head towards my right and saw the dirty blonde head lying beside belonging to my baby sister. She was 6 and only a year separated us in age. I always laid on the edge to protect her from all the scary things in our bedroom and if I’m being honest that was usually our mother, but tonight my living nightmare held a different nightmare. I refused to look over at the gross boy beside me with his fingers touching me in places that made the tears and bile well up the back of my throat. This boy was a family friends’ son, he was many years older than me, hell he was older than by brother and he had at least 4 years on me. Him and his brother were told to sleep in our bedroom, and I knew that I would have to fend the edge of the bed from her. Me and my sister, Siana shared a pair of bunk beds. The top was a twin sized mattress that rarely had anyone sleeping up there, the bottom was almost the size of mom and dad’s bed and that’s where we lay most nights drawing on the strength of the other to help keep the bad dreams at bay.

I squeezed my eyes so tight I began seeing little white stars in my vision. I heard a rustling beside me as the other boy realized what his brother was doing to me. He cleared his throat as I felt his hand land on my thigh too nearing his brothers.

His hands broke the boundary of my blue and yellow and pink tweety bird undies, and I jolted up and with a power I didn’t realize I held stalked out of my bedroom. I slowed as the smell of cigarettes and alcohol filled my senses and the sound of someone sniffing hard came (that I later learned was the snorting of cocaine) with the other senses and bit my lip to prevent the bile from spilling out. I hated the nasty smell of cigarettes that especially clouded my mother.

I slowed my pace to a near crawl as the terror of what she might do set in with the fear of what had just happened in that room. I was almost in tears as I rounded the kitchen and looked up at the big wooden table in the center of the kitchen. There were 4 people sitting around the old table full of scratches and stains, mom had her back to the sink sitting next to her was Kimmy, the mother to the 2 vile boys laying in my bedroom now, I made sure to leave the door open and Siana had sat up and gone to the restroom as I had left, her husband Sam was closest to me and the fridge was at his back, and Tony who was kind of like a live in drunk uncle all sat around the table.

Dad was out of the state for work again and things always escalated without him to help misdirect Vanity’s attention away from us. I rounded the table and tapped on mom, Vanity’s shoulder to tell her what was happening, but my voice couldn’t form the words. My throat had dried up and barely a sound would come from my lips as Vanity glared down at me shaking the dice that were in her closed palm. I shuddered at the sight of her closed fist that my skin was all to familiar with and tried to say something again and all that came out was, “I’m thirsty mom.” The back hand came so fast I almost missed it as my head launched back my malnourished 7-year-old body not being able to handle the full brunt of her swing. My face stung and the tears started falling down my sun kissed cheeks as I backed away almost bumping into the sink behind me. Vanity rose as I turned to go back to my room, but I was frozen in place by her giant hand and long fingers wrapping around my thin arm and before I knew it I was being hauled around the fridge and down the hallway towards the less evil nightmare that awaited beyond the darkness of the doorway.

“Goodnight.” She hissed at me through clinched teeth, I could see her holding back her rage with me for leaving my bedroom when I knew better, and I did know better I just wanted the touching to stop.

Tears were full streaming down my face as she threw me into the bedroom and my shoulder caught the door frame sending a fire of flames down the left side of my body. I sighed as a tiny wave of relief soared through my body as I noticed Siana’s nappy head laying in the bed again and said a silent prayer that she hadn’t been caught out as well. The room was pitch black as the door clicked into place and Vanity stalked back to the table.

The tears had just stopped, and the heaving of my chest had lessened, when a sick warmth invaded my left side again and the tears began to fall again.