My Little Light

My heart smiles before it cries when I think of you. You caught me by surprise, oh what a surprise you were. When I found out I was carrying you, I immediately became scared; not scared to be your mom but scared you had felt all of my pain and sadness the weeks you were unknown to me.

Life had become so heavy because I am forever trying to be super woman and I was also carrying a broken heart around with me. I feel so guilty knowing you were exposed to such sadness, and stress. I worried I wouldn't be able to fill myself with the calm and happiness you needed to grow fast enough to settle my worrisome mind. Yet, even in that, I felt so grateful that you chose me.

I told your dad about you, and he was so happy little light. He couldn't stop smiling. Seeing him like that sealed a part of my broken heart. He admitted he was nervous, but was so happy. I could tell it was true because he started making plans for your welcoming (my heart smiles). I felt so blessed that we still held enough love for each other that we both loved and looked forward to bringing you here with us. Us knowing you were growing in my womb brought us closer; I couldn't believe it, but I was happy about it and looked forward to every moment he asked how "we" were, hugged me so tight, always wanted to feed us and constantly rubbed my belly.

He loves you so much little light... We love you.

I can admit, every appointment I was terrified, so scared to get too excited before knowing you were okay. But after my 4th appointment of a good report on your growth, I felt myself breathe again. I found joy in knowing you were growing and thriving despite my worries. It felt as if God had given me the okay to receive you as a gift; and you were. I was happy in adjusting my life to receive my gift and love, care for you. Every moment I thought, only the best for my little one. No matter how scared, nervous and a wreck your dad and I were, you were always loved and welcome.

M.K., I call you my little light because you, and you alone showed me how to accept and embrace where I am. You showed me that there's hope and possibility in the darkest moments of life. You are my little light.

Thinking that one day you'd be here in my arms, I was committed to change my plans, all for you my little one. I felt I had a new beginning. I had no idea that beginning would come to an end so suddenly. First, there was a minor warning of something may have been wrong. But you were still growing, so I had faith you were going to be okay.

Then it became clear that your life was surely at risk. I did everything I could my little light, everything I could to save you. I guess it was just too much for you to bare. Mommy is so sorry baby; I wish you were still with me. I will never forget that night, I laid down and your light disappeared. I called to you little one, but you were already gone. The space within me that once held your light, went dark and it filled me with a sorrow I can't even explain.

You weren't with me very long, but I will always carry you in my heart.

Mommy loves you, so much, my little light.