My Life and How Rough It Has Been

My name is Whitney King and I am 22-years-old. Personally all the roughness of my life started when I was eight-years-old. Well that's when the actual pain started. I was abandoned by the man I thought was my biological father and finding out three months later he wasn't. So that's when the anger and self pity on myself started to flood in. I became violent and out of control to the point I could not control the anger and hate that I had towards my family and for myself. My mom had a choice to give me up and put me into the system but she didn't. She actually had them put me in a children's hospital up in Concord, California, which I did get a lot of help from. I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder which scared my mom, my family, and it also scared me.

All I felt was anger and pain. I suffered to the point that I didn't want to live anymore but my mom wouldn't let me die, which I thank her for. I was in and out of the hospital about four times and I have not been back since. I was put on so many different medications to the point where some made me depressed, some made me a zombie, and some made me actually stable enough to be happy again and to be able to cry happy tears.

I did a lot of stuff that I do regret and wish I would take back, but sadly I have to live with it for the rest of my life. I abused and hurt my family and have put my hands on my loved ones, which makes me sad and I feel the pain every single day. I have had this disorder for about 15 years now. I personally do not remember when I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, but it doesn't run my life like it used to when I was just a child. I started to get better and started to have more self control when I turned 17. There are still some bad habits that I am working on, like yelling and giving attitude. All I can say is no one is perfect and I certainly know that I am not perfect and I will never be perfect.

I have forgiven the man that I thought was my father after the massive wars and court dates just to get my little brother back. I have three brothers that I love to pieces and they all had to witness my anger and self destruction of myself. They were afraid of me for the longest time and now they don't want me out of their sight. My youngest brother, he is 11-years-old and he is such a spit fire. He worries and has anxiety that I am gonna abandon him and leave him alone. And the middle of the three, he is such a rebel and he has his sister's temper but he doesn't let it consume him. He is 15 and he is as smart as me, which is great. I don't know what I would do without these two. I don't really have a good relationship with the oldest out of the brothers. We fought all the time and exchanged blows, but he will always be my little brother. I love these boys. They are the reason why I kept moving forward instead of sticking in past. My mother is also another reason I keep moving forward. She could have given me up but she didn't. She is my life. And my step dad, he drives me insane but he could have left all the violence and pain that I dealt them but he stuck around and now I just call him Dad.

Why am I telling you this? It's just because I can and I know there are some people out there that will understand where I am coming from. I am writing this because I have held all this pain and all this depression in to long and I am finally talking about it. I need to write about it and I do need to talk about it because I don't want to hurt another person. I don't want to bottle up all this hate and anger anymore. I want to be free from all this pain and regrets because all my family have forgiven me and now it's my turn to forgive myself.