My Journey

The earliest memory I can think of is when I was about 6 years old. I don't know why I can't remember further back than that, but I know a lot of things from my childhood have been blocked out. I remember living in Florida and my mother made chicken and dumplings and I ate so much that it made me sick. I also remember attending school there for a short period of time. We moved a lot when I was a kid so the small happy memories of places always brings a smile to my face.

When we moved to Georgia I remember being nervous and anxious about all of the things to come. Would I make any friends? Oh the torment of fitting in as a child. It was scary but exciting all at once. I remember breaking my right index finger by shutting it in an old Chevy Truck door. You know those older models with really heavy doors. Yeah that door. Again I was only about 6 or 7. It was a horrifying and painful experience. I remember yanking my finger out and just screaming and crying. My mom rushed me to the emergency room to have x-rays done and all that. My brothers stayed with my grandparents during this adventure. They were small and wouldn't understand what was going on. I believe at the time we were staying with my grandparents in a small trailer. Just spacious enough for the 6 of us. That place was where I learned to be lady-like and also took my first taste of a cigarette. It was the first memory I have of feeling a switch on my bare legs. My grandma always picked the thin ones that stung when they made contact. It was home for a short while.

While living with my grandparents I started attending school. I remember riding the school bus to and from school every day. I made a friend on that bus. She was older but we shared something we thought was special. Our name. We both had the same first name which was so awesome to us both. She was so gentle, almost fragile even and she was the nicest person I had ever met. She missed the bus for a few days at the end of one week and on Monday when she returned she was.... different. She had a look of defeat and hurt in her face. Her head was shaved and she cried most of the way to and from school. I remember asking her why she shaved her head. The only response she gave was "I like it better this way." I knew she was lying. There had to be something wrong. After that day she never rode the bus again. I feared for her life even at a young age. When I got older I found out the horrific tragedy of her situation. I won't go into details, but lucky she was taken to a better family that loved and cared for her the way she should've been in the first place. I still think of her from time to time. She was my first real friend. The first person outside of my family that I genuinely cared for and wanted to spend time with. I didn't know empathy was a lifelong feeling, but I do now.

We continued moving all over the place. We lived in Tennessee at one point with my aunt and cousin and then moved back to Georgia and then moved between Georgia and Alabama for a while. I remember living in a town in Alabama and going to school there for a while. That's where I got my first boyfriend. At the time he was a dream! He was so sweet and hanging out with him was so much fun. We would go out on "supervised" dates with his parents. We went to the drive-in and to restaurants and even amusement parks. Things were great for this 11 year old girl, until he kept pushing boundaries and making me feel like I wasn't maturing right, but I had my reasons. Someone I was supposed to trust took away the one thing I wanted to save for that someone special. I couldn't tell him that though. I was afraid of what he might say or do. So I kept my mouth shut about it and just told him I wasn't ready for that step yet.

I moved again to a city in Alabama and found out from his cousin that he had done the unthinkable. He took that step we were supposed to take together with someone else. I wasn't ready to do it and I was so angry with him. I was hurt and felt so alone. Then I made another best friend. I went to school the next day with little to no sleep and talked to this girl who seemed to have lots of friends. She didn't exclude me from her group and welcomed me with open arms. My 2nd best friend! I found out she lived in walking distance of where I lived! Even better! We hung out every day, going for walks around the neighborhood and smoking cigarettes like we were the cool kids. Her parents knew she smoked and allowed it! This was insane to me! So I smoked with her. The last time we hung out we did our usual walk and smoke and she told me life is such a fragile thing and not knowing what to expect is the best part. She said she loved me and that she was so happy we got to meet and be best friends! I told her I felt the same way and we just walked in silence until dark. I walked her back home and told her I would see her later. She smiled and waved me off. And I didn't see her again. Leukemia took her from me. She knew she was going to die, and so did her parents. I was so shocked when I found out she had been in and out of the hospital so many times. And then she couldn't fight anymore. Another friend gone and nothing I can do about it. I had a shirt made with her photo on it. I miss her.

I moved in with my dad, who I didn't even meet until I was 7, after we moved a few more times. I wanted to be somewhere where I could make friends and not move for a while. I got what I wanted. I moved in with my dad.