My Husband, My Hero

The Past

At first, it did not occur to me that he was abusive. He didn’t hit me.

It wasn’t until after I left that I realised it was abuse. Every type of abuse except he didn’t hit me. He shouted, he lied, he stole, there was financial abuse and gas￾lighting (I didn’t know what that was until I read about it and realised that’s exactly what was going on). I wasn’t even sure he knew he was doing it. When he took money from me to spend on drink, I don’t know if it occurred to him that it was wrong or if he thought it was somehow acceptable.

I would tell myself that ‘it could be worse’ – he didn’t hit me.

He didn’t hurt the children – but he did hurt them, just not physically.

I was told that things he was doing were normal. Up to a point, the things he did were normal but he went past that point. Playing computer games is normal – sitting at the computer for 16 hours straight, ignoring your family, and getting angry if someone dare speak to you, that’s not OK. Having a night out once in a while is normal – having every night in the pub when your family is struggling to makes ends meet, when you expect someone else to be home to take care of the family and home without a break, when you get angry or borrow/steal money for drink, that’s not OK. He’d make a mess without clearing it up, then he’d shout at someone else’s mess – but only when it became a problem for him. He didn’t care about the state of the house if it didn’t directly affect him.

I would tell myself that it could be worse. I got to the point where I felt that I was making excuses – at least he was working, at least he paid the rent, at least he doesn’t hit me.

Day trips were hard to enjoy. He’d get up late and expect to go somewhere. He’d say no to every suggestion then do his best to upset someone when we got somewhere.

On the rare occasion I would go out alone – for a birthday or to meet up with a friend – he would do his best to upset me before I went. I never knew if he thought it would prevent me from going, if that’s what his intention was. Hed even say he never stopped me going out. He didnt physically prevent but he did everything else

Some people thought I was strong. Perhaps others thought me weak, I don’t know. For a while, I had to be my own hero but my children, along with a few good friends, helped me through. They were my heroes and they still are.

When I eventually left, he thought he was going to move with me. He came to see the place where I’d moved. I had to explain to him that I’d left him. I’d still come to him so he could see his son, we’d occasionally have a day out so he could spend quality time away from the slum he’d made of our former family home. It was never perfect but, as messy as I am, moving out proved that I could maintain a better home without him in it. It also proved that being a single parent was better than feeling like one. My children and I were much happier. He eventually stopped bothering with his son and disappeared without staying in touch.

I taught myself to turn a negative into a positive, and to have a more positive mindset.

The Present

When I moved into my current home, my plan was for it to be me and my boys. I intended to make the most of them, to spend time with the few friends who had been there for me, and to embark on a little self-discovery.

Not intending to meet anyone else because I wanted to learn how to be on my own, I met someone. We started as friends because neither of us were ready for a new relationship. We did end up together. We’ve now been together for almost 6 years and married, at the time of writing this, for exactly 6 months. Perhaps my previous experience has influenced my judgement but I am so grateful to be with my husband during this time of global crisis. I imagined how different it could have been and appreciate my husband all the more. Before I met him, he’d done so many things. He’d been a soldier – a medic, among other things – and he’d been a paramedic. He had helped to deliver babies and he’d saved lives - he had already been a hero in the eyes of others but he’s still a hero to me.

My husband has been so supportive in everything I do and want to do. He’s had so much more life experience and is now medically retired. Although this means there are things he can’t do with me, he encourages me to do them. When he is able, he will enjoy day trips and holidays. My youngest son thinks of him as his dad. My eldest son now lives away for university, currently with his dad during lockdown, and happily acknowledges my husband as his step-father and friend.

During this time of uncertainty, with a deadly virus on the rampage, I am certainly glad that I am safe at home. I am happy to share my home with my husband and youngest son, and I am grateful for the technology that allows us to keep in touch with everyone else.

My positive mindset is much easier to maintain when in the company of positive people. I love going away with my husband, and genuinely enjoy spending time with him.

I’ve been told it must be hard because of his illnesses and disabilities. Between my husband and youngest son, they have a whole collection of invisible conditions. Of course it can be difficult at times but it is much easier than treading on eggshells and being permanently stressed because everything you do is wrong. My husband and son don’t have any control over their illnesses so there are allowances to be made for them. They are wonderful in so many ways. Son is a teenager so, yes, there are going to be issues because of his age. I am, again, so thankful to have my husband here to help during this stage. Son is not much trouble but there are similarities between him and my husband that mean they understand each other better than I might. My sons and I have thrived rather than trying hard and wishing for better. We have done so much, and we appreciate all the little things. Husband supports without taking over. He’s encouraged me to take on challenges, and he’s been enthusiastic in supporting youngest son’s ventures in theatre. I am so glad he’s here. I’m also lucky to have acquired bonus family.

The Future

Our future, as a family, is looking good. We’re working on spending more time with our important people. Youngest son is at home, of course. Eldest son is halfway through a teaching degree – doing exceptionally well, and on his way to becoming a fully qualified maths teacher. I’m blessed with two bonus daughters and three bonus granddaughters. We don’t see them often but we do our best to keep in touch. I am writing a book. I had hoped to finish by the time I’m 40 but it’s taking much longer than anticipated. If I’m to finish when I planned, I only have 6 months left!

Once the youngest has left school, we are hoping to move to the coast. I’ve never lived anywhere other than my little town. I have no worries about moving away, though. Our family is already rather spread out, and we will always have everything we need, no matter where we are.

I want to thank my husband for looking after me. I want him to know that, even if he thinks he’s done wrong, he’s always done what he believed was best. As much as I miss some other people, I am so glad that I am safe at home with him and the little dude.

Are You Safe at Home?

If you are not safe at home, lockdown rules don't apply. You can seek help to escape. Services are still available from police and domestic violence services. You can find some resources here.

If you are safe at home, please consider how lucky you are. If you're finding things difficult, take a look around and remind yourself of what you have.